In the balance

Trigger warning for religious opinions expressed by myself and my therapist and one example of extreme religious hatred toward a minority group.

When I arrived, T asked if I was better than I was Wednesday when I sent the emails. I told her I was; not 100%, but better. She asked me what happened over the weekend that caused me to send the email. I told her about the MFP roundtable meeting in which a disabled woman was shushed several times by the facilitator of the meeting, who is the initiative director. I said I thought she had as much right to speak as anyone else. I said it bothered me and made me question myself as a service provider, how I'm perceived as a client, and the fact that I'm a provider and a client. She told me that when she tells people what she does for a living that many times, she will be asked if she's ever been in therapy herself. When she tells them she has, she gets one of two reactions:

1. "Oh good, then you know what it's like for your clients."
2. "Then what are you doing being a therapist, you're obviously too screwed up to do the job."

Her point was that no matter what, you get judged sometimes for being a client/consumer/service user, etc. in the mental health system. Even (especially) if you work in the field yourself. That made me feel a bit better because without saying it directly, I knew that she was equating herself and her experiences with me and my own.

As an aside, she also said when she meets people and they find out she's a therapist, she usually gets one of two reactions:

1. "Oh, you're a head shrink, I bet you're analyzing me right now," to which she replies, "No, I'm trying to enjoy _____ (party, dinner, etc.). Do you like to work when you're not working?"
2. "I have a friend who has a son who's bipolar and I wonder if you could tell me...," to which she replies, "No, I'm trying to enjoy _____ (party, dinner, etc.). Do you like to work when you're not working?"

I've had it happen too: "What do you do?" "I'm in program development for a service provider for developmentally disabled adults." "My friend's son has Down syndrome and I wonder if you could tell me..." "No, I can't tell you, I don't know him and everyone is different."

Then we talked about the second thing that triggered me, which was getting into an argument on Facebook about religion. I come from a fundamentalist background. I saw a former psychology professor of mine getting skewered and accused of "persecuting" them simply because he expressed an opinion that differed from theirs. I had to step in. I stated what I believed, which was the same except for ONE SMALL THING and I got raked over the coals. I asked one guy in particular, "Would you consider me a sister in the faith?" He told me no, that I was not a Christian.

Then, I remembered why I left fundamentalism.

But it brought back a nagging doubt about the biggest fear of my life. Triggered, triggered, triggered. I asked T if she considered me a sister in the faith despite that difference.

If she answered "no", I was prepared to walk out the door and never return.

Luckily for both of us, she said yes. She said that many Christians held different beliefs and she respected everyone's beliefs, even if they differed from hers. She said that she believed (as do I) that fundamentalists do the Christian faith a disservice. They tend to believe they are better than everyone else and their way is the only way. She told an anecdote of her BIL who is a Baptist minister. "When my MIL died last year, we were at my FIL's house. My BIL turned on the TV and Grey's Anatomy was on. I don't watch that show, but there is a lesbian character. On the episode, that character had been in a car accident. My BIL said, 'I hope she dies.' I asked him why. He said, 'Because she's a lesbian.' I asked, "So you want her to die because she's a lesbian? Why?' He said, 'Because I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER.' I looked at my husband and he started to say something, but I shook my head no at him because I knew it wasn't worth the argument." She said, "I just don't understand people like him. It makes me want to wring his neck, but I don't because he says he loves God. Even if he didn't love God, I wouldn't wring his neck because God wants us to love one another."

I told T my mom talked to me about finally asking for help for her depression and anxiety. She thought it was great and about time. She asked if Mother's day was pleasant and I told her it was.

I asked her why she looked at me funny at the end of the session with H. She said, "Because she doesn't understand why people just like to argue. Not that H was argumentative, but he stated he liked to argue. I don't get it." I found out she was actually triggered. Her own H likes to argue, but in a different way than my H. My H likes to argue philosophically; politics, religion, logic, etc. She told a story about her H: "I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that we needed a new couch. He asked me why. I told him because the two front legs were broken and there's a tear in the front and it stinks. He asked why I thought those were valid reasons to buy a new couch. I said because I want one that is not broken, torn, or stinks. He said that the couch we had was fine because you could still sit on it. I said 'Just tell me how much money we have because I'm going to buy a new couch and if you won't tell me how much money we have, I'll just spend $2000 whether we have it or not."

Which told me a lot about T's marriage. Her H is argumentative, somewhat controlling, and controls the money. Made me grateful for my H. I told her, "If I told my H our couch was broken, torn, and stinks, he would say, 'Damn, we need to go get a new couch.'"

The rest of the session, we went off on a couple of weird tangents. We discussed our shared road rage and we both talk to other cars on the road. She asked me if my toenails were painted blue or black (dark blue). She said she had a pedicure by a male and got to talking about fetishes.

Then time was up. She told me she felt bad because it felt like an unproductive session. I said it was not (I really didn't, because we dealt with what was bothering me, and I learned more about her). She turned out to be fully booked next week and she felt really bad about it, so I'm first call for a cancellation. If no cancellations, I will see her in 12 days. I think I'll be okay though. I told her it would give me time to work in the Boundaries book and I'd email her if anything arose. I told her I was ready to start the hard stuff again.

So we walked out and I paid the receptionist and I thought of something. I stood there for a minute and thought, "Should I email or walk back there?" I'm sure the receptionist thought I was weird for just standing there like a bump on a log while I decided. I decided to walk back.

T was standing up eating her lunch and looking at her phone. I said her name. She looked up. This conversation commenced:
Me: I just came back to say thanks.
T: *Smiles*
Me: At first I thought I'd email you to say it but I decided to come back and tell you in person.
T: Do you realize how much better you're doing?
Me: Yeah, but I was kind of scared this week.
T: You and I are not going to let that happen. It's against the rules, you know. You just can't.
Me: There are rules? *sly grin*
T: Yes. You're not allowed to break them. *sly grin*
Me: Well, thanks for seeing H the other day.
T: I feel kind of bad, like it was a waste of time and money for y'all. I told him what I thought might help. If he's not going to try what I suggested what was the point?
Me: The point was this: he said talking to you made him feel better because you confirmed he is not burned out.
T: REALLY?
Me: Yes. He asked me what the difference was between this summer and all the other summers the center was in the same situation. I said I didn't know, other than it's been building up for years. He decided that because we are in a financial crunch this year, that's what's different.
T: It can build up. Plus he works for the county. They don't care about employees.
Me: I know. To be perfectly blunt, they don't give a s**t about them. Only about how they look to the public.
T: True. Do you know how the head of DSS gets a raise?
Me: You mean *Long-time DSS Director's name*? How?
T: The more people on welfare, the more money he makes. (She used to work for DSS, so she knows the inside info AND was a county employee).
Me: That's stupid.
T: Yep.
Me: I hope you didn't mind me coming back to say this.
T: Not at all. *sweet smile* You're doing great, you really are.
Me: I appreciate you letting me email you once again. I am trying really hard to respect your boundaries, the boundaries of others, and my own.
T: You're doing just fine with that. Are you planning to do something fun this weekend?
Me: As a matter of fact I am. I'm getting together with my BFF. We talked last night and decided we needed to do something different and not let the guys dictate what we are going to do.
T: *laughing* Well, have fun.
Me: I will. See you later.
T: Bye.

What T probably doesn't realize is that little 10 minute conversation meant more to me than anything else. She seemed truly glad that I came back; not like she was just "putting up with me." That meant a lot to me.

Made me feel equal. I made the right choice.

Now I'm not trying to get into an argument with anyone but I might have a mental illness but there are some really CRAZY people out there. Hate is such a destructive emotion, not just to the people who are hated, it carries such a heavy toll on the person who hates. And to carry that burden around over a fictional TV character, that is NUTS.

Equal? Smarter, girl. You wouldn't take that couch carp, or someone who would dish it out. Me, I am perpetually couchless, I am so bad at dealing with what it takes to get a couch, let alone replace one. My T said he had cases of stuff in his garage from when the ex got into some pyramid scheme - I was like, and you married HER and not me, wtf??? I would never do anything like that to you! Our idols have feet of clay, but they can still help us. It was hubris that blew up the space shuttle Challenger, not lack of technical knowledge.

Anyway, awesome post and awesome session. Seems like your husband did get some perspective on things, so that's really great!

What a great session with your T. I don't think her husband is necessarily controlling about the money; she could step in and find out how much money they have and make a decision from there; I am like that, don't make the effort to find out, just ask can I spend or spend it. I think men and women think a whole lot differently about money and the "practical" things (if you can sit on the couch the couch is still viable); my husband use to does this thing with the trees and other plants in the yard; if there is a single green leaf, the plant's alive and well and doesn't need replacing, never mind that it might fall on the roof of the house

To me, the fundamentalists are crazy (as a group). No offense to any fundamentalists out there. I experienced a lot of hate while I was in; I still see it now that I am out. T said, "She's a TV character; she's not even real, and he carries that kind of hate. I just don't get it."

H actually told me that T served her purpose for him. He said he usually doesn't take other people's advice (he's right ). What he was looking for from T was confirmation as to whether or not he was totally burned out of his job. She confirmed he was not.

And yes, I would never put up with someone who a) argues over obviously necessary purchases, b) controls the money, or c) got involved in any kind of pyramid scheme. That's just me.

She said her H doesn't want to buy new things and she gets tired of it. I really don't know if he controls the money or not. It just sounds like it.

Then again, my H will hold on to underwear until it falls off his butt.

omg, I just had a memory of the first mr hankster whining, "but that's my favorite pair!" LOL I didn't know that was still stored in my brain

religion can have a lot of hate in it. I was at the gay pride parade last year and this large christian church was there with big "God hates you" signs and they were spitting (yes spitting) at the parade members. I was appalled. I am very quiet and never make a scene, but this was pure hatred and I couldn't take it. So I went up to a woman holding a sign and ripped her a new one. I was screaming "do you really think Jesus would do that if he was here and now?" Didn't do much good, I was outnumbered. But how can anyone claim to be christian (I think it means christ like) and spew hatred?

Sorry for the vent...I just really hate intolerance. I think I will march in the parade this summer and carry a big sign that says "God hates (name of that church)".

This.

What a great session. I'm glad you went back and spoke to her.

Just a slight aside, I will never understand Christians that hold signs etc... that say "God hates you because of xxxxx". If they truly think that those persons are lost in sin (whatever!) then their sign should read "God wants you to come to church, please come". Those "christians" practice the worst kind of hypocrisy. God denies no one grace.

I believe that God forgives and welcomes all sinners (not that homosexuality is one, just to be clear), all I'm saying is that the church should too.

I think I will make a sign at the next march here in my area that says "repent Christians!".

What a waste.

A 9 year old boy beat you to it! Check out this news story from last week: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/...ne?sc=fb&cc=fp

You did GREAT with going back in there. That is so awesome. It was a thoughtful action and done with consideration. Very human and natural. And I am also glad you are able to do such good work and healing.

I was also raised in a KJV only hard-core "fundi" church. It almost caused me to SU when I was a teen because of what they said about certain things. I had to break away to find my own sanity and path. That was when I saw clearly certain things about those who try to force their views on others. I pity them. All that just to say I understand what you are saying with that.

Again, great job in your therapy!!!

I hate it too. I wonder sometimes why I even got involved in that FB debate, but I've determined that I wanted to state what I believe, even though some former "fundie" friends were in this argument. For the first time in my life, I stood up for what I believe in.

Jesus was all about loving each other. When the prescription is love, hate is contraindicated! Spitting at others? I'm glad that the parade marchers were tolerant enough not to spit back, but it would have been evilly funny if they did to see the reactions of the protesters (who probably assume all the marchers have AIDS).

They do a disservice to the Christian faith.

This kid's my hero!

I went to parochial school, so I had the pleasure of being indoctrinated all day every day.

Thanks, WePow.

One of my favourite Facebook groups is the one called Christians Tired of being Misrepresented.

Hi Chopin! I really enjoyed reading that.

It's really good to see T "outside" and have her treat you as a human being.

Really.