[rainbow8]

Since my session I've been thinking that if only I could work through the feelings I have for my T that are about "I don't want you to leave me" and "I feel safe with you" and "I'm scared". They come up over and over, especially when she goes on vacation.

Early in therapy when we did IFS, a child part felt like that and I was actually almost shaking, saying I was scared! But that never happened again! Last session, during EMDR I felt that scared feeling again, and told my T, but we had to stop. I want to continue with that but I can't remember anything that happened to me during childhood to scare me like that. It's so frustrating for me not to know why I feel the way I do.

I don't show my feelings very much in therapy but my T always sees my face change when I talk about my feelings of fear or anger. I don't know how to access those feelings more. I suppose by making them the EMDR target and starting right away with it. I'm going to tell her I want to do that. It seems like I come close, but not quite. I don't know if anything happened to me, or is it that preverbal stuff again?

I feel like if I did EMDR correctly, my mind would float back to experiences where I felt unsafe and scared, and something would get accomplished!! What do you guys think? Thanks.

[Sannah]

You said that your mom was very anxious. If you grew up as a child with this it would instill subconscious fear in you. Anxious people fear. Children look to their parents to get messages if things are okay or not. The message that you got from your mom was probably that things were not okay and that you should be fearful?

You also said that you are anxious which is being fearful. You probably feel good when you are around your T like everything is going to be okay. This is probably really comforting and of course you wouldn't want to lose that.

[seventyeight]

this came up in my session today too. i was talking about my dread with going to session lately, and told her i feel like i might be ready for a little therapy break. somehow, that turned into a long discussion about terminating, etc. i was like about the whole thing, and then started getting upset. she said something like, "maybe you're done with the work we've been doing, and it's time to wrap it up. but we would have to have some sessions about ending our work together - it wouldn't just end." i kept thinking, "WAIT! STOP! Slow down here, that's not where I'm going with this." I also kept thinking, "would it really be that okay with you to just not see me anymore?" like she seemed so fine about the whole thing.

so anyway, i'm trying to make this response helpful to you rainbow..

if it means anything to you, i felt the same way: scared. i said, "i can't imagine not seeing you anymore!" and she just nodded along.

well, i guess there was no real point to my post - but i just wanted to say something. i do think that if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with the EMDR, it will help. like you said, you'll accomplish something. not that your not accomplishing something now, but it will be a different something. and it sounds like just the right thing to be doing with your therapist since you feel so safe and comfortable with her.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Sannah

You said that your mom was very anxious. If you grew up as a child with this it would instill subconscious fear in you. Anxious people fear. Children look to their parents to get messages if things are okay or not. The message that you got from your mom was probably that things were not okay and that you should be fearful?

You also said that you are anxious which is being fearful. You probably feel good when you are around your T like everything is going to be okay. This is probably really comforting and of course you wouldn't want to lose that.

Sannah, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you. So my general feeling was "things are NOT okay", "I"M not okay," and "something bad might happen at any time". I didn't hear those words, but I felt that way. I didn't venture out as much as other kids, and when I did, I was insecure.

So, maybe it was not anything in particular that happened to me. Yes, I feel like everything is okay and safe when I'm with my T. When I'm with ANY T I've felt that way. I don't want to lose it. Hey Sannah! I think you solved my "pattern". I ought to pay you and get a refund on 15 plus years of therapy!!!!! Well, I do have to learn how to feel safe on my own, don't I? I can't carry my T around like a blankie. I do carry her in my heart, though.

[Sannah]

Knowing where it is coming from is 90% of the battle in my opinion.

[SpiritRunner]

I wonder if you could do EMDR about thinking you're not doing EMDR correctly?
Because maybe that belief is part of the issue? I don't think you can be doing it all wrong, surely .... why not think about what you are doing right, and maybe what could be done a little better will begin to improve?
Or do EMDR about the thought that, I can't be safe on my own or I'm afraid to believe I can be safe on my own .... maybe interesting stuff might come up.
Fear of being alone is a deep thing that I think of a lot of people really do have - there's something in us that doesn't always feel so good, so safe alone. Fear and anxiety do go together. I know that very well!
But you CAN carry others in your heart with you, a sense of connection with others (like friends, family, Ts), and that can help you with a sense of safety.
But yes, it's important to be able to feel safe on your own, safe with yourself.

[likelife]

You can take what I say with a grain of salt, because I don't really know anything about EMDR, but I wonder about looking more closely at the belief that you need to know why you feel the way you do. I know that you've talked about your T exhorting you not to figure everything out, and it seems like a sticking point that there's not a "silver bullet" kind of explanation for your experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand how frustrating it is to feel like things don't add up. I beat myself up all the time for feeling as if my past does not equate to how screwed up I feel in the present. In those rare moments when I can just accept that things are as they are, and I don't always need to know why, I feel such a sense of relief.

My T has often told me that even though I can't remember a lot of the specifics of my childhood, my experience in the present is very real. I think it makes a lot of sense that you'd be fearful about your T leaving if she represents an attachment figure for you and you haven't yet had the experience of totally settling into a secure attachment with her. I would think that anxious moms would tend to have anxiously attached kids. Instead of looking for the magic "why," what would it be like to focus on increasing a sense of security in your relationships?

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I can't carry my T around like a blankie.

This created some interesting imagery for me, rainbow

i have no wise words ... but you're having some good insights here.

[Wren_]

I read your post earlier and was thinking about it ... I also have that same fear of abandonment and don't know why and it seems connected with such a childish terror. Again like you there is nothing that fits the extremity of the response. Then I wondered; while it's a childish part that has that fear what if it's from something that happened much later and not in childhood eg. a person (maybe therapist) that abandoned you in some way after your childish heart had just started to open up so it felt incredible hurt and pain and that fear of abandonment has been there since. So that it's the childish part with the fear; rather than a childhood experience that created it
Could be way off; it just came up in my thoughts

[Chopin99]

I hate abandonment too, although...very slowly...through the process, I have gotten better with it. I used to take abandonment very personally, but now I really don't.

Although I did say this in an email Wednesday:

I'm loathe to say it; I don't want to need you, but I need you. I guess I still have a long way to go.

So, like you, I don't want her to leave me.

[Perna]

I don't know about you rainbow, but I remember my entire childhood being one of feeling slightly anxious and scared all the time. There was no reason, just the threat of a reason? Now, when I am in certain situations that remind me of when I was a child, I can feel that same feeling of anxiety or fear.

I'll never forget going to a library that was a converted elementary school and the minute I went through the doors, the smell, sounds, look of the hallway (still had the same drinking fountains and bathroom doors, flooring, etc.) almost paralyzed me. I made myself continue forward and the library space looked like a library but the sense of discomfort made it so I did not stay long.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

if it means anything to you, i felt the same way: scared. i said, "i can't imagine not seeing you anymore!" and she just nodded along.

well, i guess there was no real point to my post - but i just wanted to say something. i do think that if you allow yourself to be vulnerable with the EMDR, it will help. like you said, you'll accomplish something. not that your not accomplishing something now, but it will be a different something. and it sounds like just the right thing to be doing with your therapist since you feel so safe and comfortable with her.

Thank you, 78. I appreciate your response; there IS a point to it. I don't feel so alone because you understand. I know I try too hard when I do the EMDR. It's hard to just let my thoughts come without controlling them.

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I wonder if you could do EMDR about thinking you're not doing EMDR correctly?
Because maybe that belief is part of the issue? I don't think you can be doing it all wrong, surely .... why not think about what you are doing right, and maybe what could be done a little better will begin to improve?
Or do EMDR about the thought that, I can't be safe on my own or I'm afraid to believe I can be safe on my own .... maybe interesting stuff might come up.
Fear of being alone is a deep thing that I think of a lot of people really do have - there's something in us that doesn't always feel so good, so safe alone. Fear and anxiety do go together. I know that very well!
But you CAN carry others in your heart with you, a sense of connection with others (like friends, family, Ts), and that can help you with a sense of safety.
But yes, it's important to be able to feel safe on your own, safe with yourself.

Good ideas, SpiritRunner. I'm not sure if I fear being alone or that I want to feel safe. There's a subtle difference. I'm not afraid to be alone but I want to be with my T because I feel safe with her. I feel better with her than without her.

Originally Posted by likelife

I know that you've talked about your T exhorting you not to figure everything out, and it seems like a sticking point that there's not a "silver bullet" kind of explanation for your experiences.

I beat myself up all the time for feeling as if my past does not equate to how screwed up I feel in the present. In those rare moments when I can just accept that things are as they are, and I don't always need to know why, I feel such a sense of relief.

My T has often told me that even though I can't remember a lot of the specifics of my childhood, my experience in the present is very real. I think it makes a lot of sense that you'd be fearful about your T leaving if she represents an attachment figure for you and you haven't yet had the experience of totally settling into a secure attachment with her. I would think that anxious moms would tend to have anxiously attached kids. Instead of looking for the magic "why," what would it be like to focus on increasing a sense of security in your relationships?

Thank you, likelife. That's how I feel. My past doesn't equate to how screwed up I feel! I guess there isn't any magic "why"; it just is what it is. I thought if I knew why, it would help. I do feel like my attachment to my T is secure, though. I never doubted that she cared about me when she went on vacation. It's the "world" I feel insecure about. As far as increasing a sense of security in my other relationships, to me, it's like comparing apples and oranges. I don't feel insecure but my T is always there and accepts me like no one else ever will. That's her job.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

This created some interesting imagery for me, rainbow

i have no wise words ... but you're having some good insights here.

Thanks, rainbow_rose. I never forgot what my very first T told me. She wanted me to have "part of her inside of me". That's the way I feel about my current T.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I read your post earlier and was thinking about it ... I also have that same fear of abandonment and don't know why and it seems connected with such a childish terror. Again like you there is nothing that fits the extremity of the response. Then I wondered; while it's a childish part that has that fear what if it's from something that happened much later and not in childhood eg. a person (maybe therapist) that abandoned you in some way after your childish heart had just started to open up so it felt incredible hurt and pain and that fear of abandonment has been there since. So that it's the childish part with the fear; rather than a childhood experience that created it
Could be way off; it just came up in my thoughts

Interesting, tigergirl. I'm not sure if that's the way it happened for me or not, you're giving me something to ponder. Thanks!

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I hate abandonment too, although...very slowly...through the process, I have gotten better with it. I used to take abandonment very personally, but now I really don't.

Although I did say this in an email Wednesday:

I'm loathe to say it; I don't want to need you, but I need you. I guess I still have a long way to go.

So, like you, I don't want her to leave me.

Yeah, that's how I feel, Chopin. I don't want to need my T but I do need her.

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't know about you rainbow, but I remember my entire childhood being one of feeling slightly anxious and scared all the time. There was no reason, just the threat of a reason? Now, when I am in certain situations that remind me of when I was a child, I can feel that same feeling of anxiety or fear.

I was always scared and slightly anxious as a child too, especially when I was away from my immediate family. When I switched schools in 3rd or 4th grade, I stayed home a lot because "my stomach hurt." I didn't feel safe or secure because I didn't make friends right away. To this day I feel anxious in new situations and don't like large groups where I don't know anyone. I like being with friends one at a time. It's such a nice feeling to be with my T!