[PiperLeigh]

Just got out of session with my T. Have gone for a month. Anyway, so he has been talking about coping strategies the last couple weeks. Today he asked how I was doing with using those coping strategies and I said okay I guessed, that I guess they help some. I don't want him to feel like I'm not trying. Then he said that's great to keep using them and I won't need therapy. He said he doesn't want to "poke around" and talk about my suicide attempt or abuse history. So basically he thinks if I just breathe slowly, all my self harm thoughts should be kept away and that's it. I'm crying so hard right now. I thought he was going to be able to help me make sense about what has happened to me. I thought I would have a listening ear to let me talk about the things that have created so much pain inside me. Instead, I find out that he doesn't think I need to talk about any of that. I can't even breathe right now. My mind is racing and I don't know what to do. I'm so incredibly sad and I feel so dumb for thinking this was going to be able to help me get past all those memories.

You can find another theraPist who does actual theraPy. It's in. Your hands.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

It sounds like you didn't tell him the truth, or the complete truth. How can he help you when you're not straightforward with him?

If something is not working for you and you need something different, you need to tell him that. Take a copy of your post to him, you explain what you need very well.

People always say that T's can't read your mind. I think it is a very reasonable perception that learning new coping skills (and continuing to use them) will turn into someone not needing therapy. The purpose of therapy is to get someone to the point where they don't need therapy, so it seems to me that your T is pursuing this goal.

Some people do not want or need to "poke around" and talk about certain things. If this is what you need, tell him. If he won't do it, get someone else.

You are responsible for getting what you need from therapy, and you need to communicate what you need. If you've done that and you're still not getting it, then go elsewhere. But part of what most of us need to learn is to say "I need this" and "this isn't working for me", not only in T, but in all our relationships.

[eskielover]

I would be very upset also......you definitely need to find a T/psychologist who is trained is dealing with abuse.

That is what I like about the DBT.....it brings up things & then we do the "CHAIN ANALYSIS" back to the things/abuse/trauma that caused the thing we are dealing with. That is what good therapy is all about.

I would not only be dissipointed, I would probably confront him about why & is it that he's not capable of doing that kind of therapy.....just because I get a bit rude when I feel that I have wasted so much time & end up feeling like I'm gotten nowhere.

Of course, you have come away with some learned coping skills that will come it handy when you do find a good T who will work with you on those major things that are causing you so much trouble.

[PiperLeigh]

That is just not true, LMT. I absolutely was truthful with him. He knows I have days where I think of harming myself. I told him I noticed the coping things he wanted me to try helped me breathe more calmly. He said I have a beautiful family and I'm going to be fine. Just to keep doing those things and that's it. Whatever. Never mind. I'm done with this.

Piper, please keep posting. I was going to wait until I had thought things out more before I responded, but was worried about seeing you so distressed. I really don't think the issue is your honesty. I think the other poster may have misunderstood your initial post and thought you weren't telling your T the extent of the issue.

Now may be the time to change therapists to someone more experienced in dealing with trauma. When I started therapy, I was where your T is now apparently. I just wanted to cope better and not be so deadly depressed, and did not want to talk about 'ancient history' at all. My T initially worked on coping strategies with me, but then has encouraged me to continue to deal with the issues from my childhood. Not all therapists are actually good at their jobs. I went through several before I actually found someone to help me.

[TinaL]

I had the same problem with my T. I found the best solution for me was to tell him, yes I have coping skills and i use them. But I still have good/ bad/ self harm feelings. And I need someone to talk to when those happen.

I noticed when I seen him yesterday he asked when I wanted to come back. I told him next fri. He was okay with that. It does not matter if I have been doing good for along while. For me, I still have the history.

Don't give up. If you can't tell him look for another T. I'm with you.

[WikidPissah]

piper...tons of safe hugs, I am so sorry this put you in a spiral. Some providers believe that talking about your past and digging around is actually re-traumatizing. There are whole schools of thought on this, so it's not that you have a bad T, but probably just a t from this school of thought. If you feel in your heart that you need to tell your story then you need to tell him this and see where you land. It may mean finding a T that deals more in trauma and abuse, or it may mean your T changes his approach. You are in charge, you know what you need, follow that.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Piper ))))

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. Have you been direct with T about this particular issue? That you feel that you need to talk about these things and work through them, and that you wanted his help with that....and instead feel as though he's directing his attention on things that aren't enough for you? It may be a worthwhile discussion to see why he feels that approach is effective.

At my last session, I talked about a few things....and touched briefly on some trauma that my T knows about....yet he kept going back to part of the discussion which was about me getting a haircut....didn't seem to want me to veer off topic....and it was worthwhile. BUT, I know that T feels that I'm not ready to do trauma work. He has made it clear that there are steps that I need to take in order to do that kind of work - I need to be able to ground myself, not dissociate, have a good support network of people who can be there for me, etc. Jumping too far ahead of myself, without these essential things, can end up causing more harm than good....

So, maybe he has a reason for his approach....and that it may be only part of the equation....

[PiperLeigh]

I am taking extremely long walks (7-8 miles at a time) to wear myself out so I don't hurt myself. I'm listening to the hokey binaural/isochronic tone things he asked me to try to calm my breathing. I have a blog where I journal something I am thankful for everyday (have done that for two years). I know it is important to do positive things and I really feel like I have done everything he has told me to, and then some. He said that is good, that's all there is to it. That I really won't need therapy because now I know how to cope when I want to hurt myself, I just need to do these things. Um yeah. I've been coping for thirty years. I'm tired of just coping. I want help. I need help. I can't just keep "coping" because I feel so broken. My mind is so tired of trying to hold it all together and do all the right things to cope. I am submissive and extremely compliant in doing what I'm told to do. T said I was one of the most transparent people he's ever had come through. But when I asked him where we went from here as far as dealing with the underlying issues, he shut me down. I asked at what point do we deal with the things that are WHY I need help coping. He basically said never, to leave those things unsaid because they would just make it worse. It felt like a knife went in me when he said that. So if I talk about these things, I am going to hurt even worse? I didn't think I could hurt worse than I do right now. I'm terrified because I can't go another twenty or thirty years just coping. I'm tired. I can't deal with this pain. Walking and listening to music are only temporary distractions. I was already ashamed of my abuse and history, and now I feel like my story is too ugly to even be told and worked through...that I was a big dummy for thinking that paying someone to help me would mean they would be willing to listen. I know I am a big Debbie downer right now. I am usually an optimistic person. (don't gag, but Pollyanna is one of my favorite books.) I am starting to think I may need to be hospitalized because I feel so #@$ hopeless. I have a supportive husband and I have very open communication with him about all this. He is kind of pissed off at T right now and scared, which makes me feel worse because I don't like putting him through my crap. Sigh. Going to go to bed and sleep now...it may be a lousy coping mechanism, but at least it makes everything stop for a while.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh wow. It sounds like his therapy approach is more focused on strategies and coping skills to handle generalized anxiety or the like....and it seems that your body is screaming for some attention to these very important underlying issues.

I hope that you will work towards seeking alternative (or additional) treatment to help you. I agree that coping mechanisms are not nearly enough. And your body is telling you that it's time to do more.....

((( safe hugs )))

[WePow]

This T does not sound like the right fit for what you need. The way that T is going about therapy with you is a style of therapy. But for those with trauma history, the roots have to be healed. It is true that a person should have grounding skills and safety nets in place before starting trauma work. But after the immediate safety is met, the source of infection has to be cleansed. That is what I believe and my T believes. Not all Ts think the same way. My T went through over twenty Ts before finding the one who could help him heal from his past... a past that caused trouble in his present.

You DESERVE to have mental wellness and healing. Your pain DESERVES a voice!!!
That T has no ears for what your pain must say. That is not your failt. It is just the wrong fit.

My suggestion is to find a T who specializes in issues you are needing to work through from the past. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. But you CAN find the right ears. There are Ts out there who can help you out. You CAN work through what hurts so deeply.

Piper, I have been following this, but I am in such disbelief I am at a loss as to what I can say about it. I have never heard of such therapy. My therapist took me WAY back to my very early childhood years. We worked through the teen years, twenties, marriage/divorce, etc.......everything you can think of that may have caused me any kind of emotion. Not necessarily a bad emotion, but things that have shaped who I am today.

Of course, we did not start out that way. In the beginning, I wasn't talking that much at all except for some surface issues. It took her awhile to get me to talk about all the issues, pain, hurts, shame, etc........that I have or have had in the past.

I would encourage you not to give up. It sounds like this therapist doesn't do the type of therapy you need. Please don't think that all therapists are this way. You can see from reading this board that many of us have therapists that are wonderful. I am sorry you have had such a bad first experience. If all we had to do was go one month and apply some coping skills, therapists would be out of business! I often tell my therapist, "I KNOW what to do, but I have to have support to help me do it. I need someone to monitor my progress and help me keep moving forward."

[Astridetal]

((((Piper)))) I am so sorry you were so disappointed by this T. I agree with the person who said there are some Ts who just don't believe talking about abuse helps. While T cannot be indefinite really (well it can with people with life-long mental illness, but usually then it's more counseling/support), it is quite simplistic to say that once you've learned breathing techniques and stuff your SI thoughts will go away.

INdeed, you can find a new T if you think this one isn't suitable. Also, maybe you can E-mail the current T with your thoughts onw hat he said, so that he has it in writing. Wishing you all the best.

[unaluna]

Piper, what do you know about this T's credentials? did you try looking him up online? You said you came from a very strict background and that your husband found this T for you. Not to go all radical feminist on you (but I am!), but any kind of regular licensed T would NOT tell you, go home to your beautiful family and everything will be alright. That is more of a brainwashing sect type thing, like being Italian (oh yes she did). Seriously.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

Just got out of session with my T. Have gone for a month. Anyway, so he has been talking about coping strategies the last couple weeks. Today he asked how I was doing with using those coping strategies and I said okay I guessed, that I guess they help some. I don't want him to feel like I'm not trying. Then he said that's great to keep using them and I won't need therapy. He said he doesn't want to "poke around" and talk about my suicide attempt or abuse history. So basically he thinks if I just breathe slowly, all my self harm thoughts should be kept away and that's it. I'm crying so hard right now. I thought he was going to be able to help me make sense about what has happened to me. I thought I would have a listening ear to let me talk about the things that have created so much pain inside me. Instead, I find out that he doesn't think I need to talk about any of that. I can't even breathe right now. My mind is racing and I don't know what to do. I'm so incredibly sad and I feel so dumb for thinking this was going to be able to help me get past all those memories.

You may need a different therapist, Piper. The first therapist I had was very much the same. He didn't want to talk about anything from the past that was affecting me now. He only wanted to talk about "the now." He was all about "moving forward." I deeply needed validation - and he would not grant me validation of my painful past experiences. It got so toxic for me. His style of therapy re-traumatized me.

My next therapist was very, very interested in hearing my stories and helping me process them. It took a few years, but I experienced tremendous healing through being able to talk about those painful experiences, hearing them validated, feeling my therapist's protective instincts cause her to feel angry about things that happened to me.. and she helped me process those painful, painful memories.

Your therapist's beliefs about therapy may be entirely wrong for you.

[PiperLeigh]

Thank each of you so much for caring. I think I do need to try to find a T who has worked with a number of trauma cases. I have to figure this out. I feel like it is destroying me. Let me just say 6 hours of crying and an hour nap has helped me tremendously. No more tears tonight.

Originally Posted by hankster

Piper, what do you know about this T's credentials? did you try looking him up online? You said you came from a very strict background and that your husband found this T for you. Not to go all radical feminist on you (but I am!), but any kind of regular licensed T would NOT tell you, go home to your beautiful family and everything will be alright. That is more of a brainwashing sect type thing, like being Italian (oh yes she did). Seriously.

B.S. in Rehab Science
Two M.S. degrees in Counseling and Psychology
Doctor of Education degree in Counseling, specializing in Marriage and Family
PhD in Psychology
PhD in Spiritual Counseling
LPC (Licensed Private Counselor)
LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
LCDC (Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor)

I've seen his diplomas, as well as his state certifications (which are current). He's really old, but we figured that would just give us the best chance at having a lot of insight to help me get past this.

He's been practicing for nearly 30 years. And he actually has even more certifications than I just listed. It said on his website that he has handled all types of problems over the decades and specifically listed abuse. I think he must deal with drug addiction and marriage counseling more than anything. I'm still a bit in shock about his unwillingness to talk me through my past. My husband picked him because he was (a) near our home, (b) affordable since we are paying completely out of pocket, (c) a Christian who would not mock my religious beliefs, (d) in practice for almost as long as I have been alive, which we thought would give him lots of experience with helping people like me. He was eccentric, but a nice person. I'm not mad at him. I was heartbroken this afternoon because I went to that place in my head where I was thinking dramatic things like "If someone with 3 doctoral degrees and 3 decades of experience can't help me, who can?" I know...wrongful thinking. I will pull myself together and see if I can really look hard for someone who has dealt primarily with abuse/trauma issues. Thanks for caring and saying kind words to me. Just feeling a little understood means so much.

[Chopin99]

Piper, I think you need a new T. You won't be able to move on toward the future until you deal with your past. You have to reopen the festering wounds of the past to remove the infection, examine it to see the cause of the infection, and allow the wounds to reheal (properly this time). Hankster brought up that your husband found this T for you. Would you be able to strike out on your own to find another T? You have been open with this T, stated what you need, and he cannot/will not meet that need.

[unaluna]

hi piper, I just looked up my best friend's license, and my T's, on our state's licensing website. My friend has a Counseling license and a Master's degree (in Counseling), my T has a Psychologist license and a PhD. Anyway, this is not you, it's him, I absolutely guarantee. I've read articles where T's say what he said.

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

B.S. in Rehab Science
Two M.S. degrees in Counseling and Psychology
Doctor of Education degree in Counseling, specializing in Marriage and Family
PhD in Psychology
PhD in Spiritual Counseling
LPC (Licensed Private Counselor)
LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
LCDC (Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor)

I've seen his diplomas, as well as his state certifications (which are current). He's really old, but we figured that would just give us the best chance at having a lot of insight to help me get past this.

He's been practicing for nearly 30 years. And he actually has even more certifications than I just listed.

First of all, I don't know this person and don't want to make any judgements against him. When I read this post I thought about something I have noticed with some teachers. Just because they have their masters of this and that, and have been teaching for many years does not necessarily mean they are the "best" teachers. Often times they are burned out and (IMO) have lost their passion for teaching. They are just working to get their retirement. I feel sorry for the students that end up in their classrooms. I feel that those children are not getting what they deserve.

They started teaching so long ago, that they are not really up-to-date with the new ideas of how to teach students. I guess you can say they are "old school". As a teacher myself, I have to consistently look for new ways to improve my approach to teaching so that it maximizes the experience and education my students receive.

I am baffled that you have only seen him for a month and he seems to be dismissing you already? That is so odd to me. I know you are feeling terrible, but there has got to be a therapist out there who can work with you. Finding a therapist who is a good fit for you will do wonders for your healing.

[PiperLeigh]

Thanks again y'all. I feel the love.

I'm going to have me some Lucky Charms and then go to bed.

Originally Posted by PiperLeigh

Thanks again y'all. I feel the love.

I'm going to have me some Lucky Charms and then go to bed.

Love Lucky Charms. Just make sure you aren't picking out the marshmellows and leaving the rest! I hope you had a good night's rest and wonderful day at church this morning. Come see us in the other forum when you get a chance. I miss you over there!