mad and confused

NOT a failure!

You are doing great. Let T set the email boundary. You can use the email as a tool to find out what is at the root of your pain.

He set it and I keep breaking it. I'm like retarded when it comes to it. I can't stop. I'm so anxious idk if I want to hug him or throw something at him tomorrow in so mixed up. I hate my life.

I think it is that's razor's edge right there that is causing you so much pain. You don't know how to feel, and boy do *I* know how that feels.

It would be sooooo much easier if you could write this loser off as all bad - but he isn't. OR you could totally accept that he all good - no way that's going to happen right? Because he's not all good either.

It's jumbled, and, I suspect, one of the first times you've run across these kinds of feelings. They oppose each other!

It's okay. It ( and likely he) feels very threatening right now, but that's okay. I think that means he "getting in there". Getting to you.

This process is gradual, but like a pendulum will finally settle in the middle. Not all good, not all bad, but certainly good enough.

It'll be alright. Talk to him and keep moving toward those feelings. In the end it makes them less sucky.

You're okay, really. Just confused. I really think you are on the right path here to peace.

wow. that is such a perfect description. Thanks ellie.