Fear of Intimacy ruining my life....

"The fear of intimacy is the fear of being emotionally and physically close to another individual. This fear is also defined as “the inhibited capacity of an individual, because of anxiety, to exchange thought and feelings of personal significance with another individual who is highly valued.
[an] extreme fear of allowing others to see them as they truly are.[10] To feel close to another again is to remember that this position is a dangerous one. "

That's what I found when I googled extreme fear of intimacy. Has anyone been in this position and worked through it? Its ruining my life right now and its greatly hindering any progress in therapy. I know the first place to work through this is with T but I just cant figure out how to do it. So much fear there. Fear that is underlying and paralyzing. Im looking, hoping someone has been there and can give me some words of wisdom on how to "barrel through this barrier". Thanks

Thanks for posting this! I wish I could help, but I am right there with you. You would think after 3-1/2 years of therapy, I would have made more progress on this. *sigh*

I am looking forward to reading the responses from others though.

Wow this is where I am too... I'm so looking forward to everyone's responses...

My T has told me several times I have a fear of intimacy. I have little idea WTH he is talking about.

I understand fear of intimacy. Can you share your feelings with anyone in RL, like a friend, or is it across the board? When I was in my late 20's I finally made a friend with whom I could be myself. I had never told anyone what I was feeling before that, especially not my parents. This friend encouraged me to go into therapy after my Mom died. Unfortunately,I couldn't talk to my T about any of my feelings. I didn't have the foggiest idea how to do that! I was totally scared!

After 3 1/2 years of therapy with her, I managed, gradually to be able to share with her. I wish I could you how I did it, but I don't know. I do remember reading from my journal, or having her read it. I could always write my feelings, but not say them, and she let me share by writing. Many sessions were silent, though. I couldn't even answer her question about why I couldn't tell her anything.

I saw more Ts after that one, and it got easier each time. As I got older and raised my children I changed also. I know you want it to happen now, but the truth is that changes occur gradually, not all at once.

I still have problems with intimacy but I've learned that I'm not going to die from sharing what is inside of me. In fact, I crave the closeness and will get it any way I can. Therapy is a good way to start because T's are nice to us, and are very patient. They don't judge us. They say that we can tell them anything. They WANT to hear our feelings.

Some practical things that helped for anxiety. My T was the first one who taught me meditation, and we did breathing together. I never thought I'd be able to do that with her, so much was my fear of intimacy. Breathe with a T? Who are you kidding? But she was so casual, natural, just "nice", down-to-Earth, so I did it. Now it's easy! Sitting next to a T? Holding her hand? Again, never thought I could. But she calmed me down, made physical closeness to be okay. Just by being her. So I guess having a T who makes you feel okay helps a lot.

I don't know what else to say, or if this helped. It's hindsight, after many years of struggling, starting with selective mutism as a child, which means not talking to a whole group of people. Intimacy was foreign to me, but it is worth the struggle, and persevering against the fear. Many hugs to you, and don't give up "struggling".

I'm right there with you, too, Struggling. However, I have had a bit of success lately.

I'm not sure if you're on any meds or not. I've refused to be up till now, and I spent 3 years sitting across from my T unable to say anything because of how anxious and afraid I've been. She kept saying that I wouldn't get very far if I couldn't reduce my anxiety, and had been saing that meds are the way to do that.

I'm still not thrilled with the idea, and I haven't decided if I'm going to see about a prescription of my own. However, I recently had access to some Xanax due to a death in my family. I took one on the day of the funeral, and I was surprised by how much less anxious it made me feel.* Seeing that and being a bit of a wreck, I ended up taking it a few more times before therapy sessions. The results were amazing...the first time in 3 years I didn't feel completely terrified sitting in front of her. And I actually started talking, even about the tough stuff. And seeing that nothing bad happened, I talked even more, and trusted her even more.

I've since stopped taking the Xanax. (See below...bad side effect!) But even just that few weeks seems to have helped rewire something or, at the very least, convince myself that it's OK to be more emotionally connected. For the first time, I feel like there's some hope that I can make and maintain progress.

Good luck. I know it's not easy!

___________________
*Please note that I'm not at all suggesting that you or anyone do anything questionable to get access to medication, or that you take anything without a doctor's supervision! (In fact, I myself had an unexpected side effect that, in hind sight, seems a bit dangerous.) I'm merely suggesting that you consider medication if you haven't already.

I am not by any stretch of anyone's imagination an expert on this area. I was like this until I was in my late 20's, when I first started therapy. I realized that while I had friends that I enjoyed spending time with, these friends were really intellectual playmates and companions, not really people I was close to. And I avoided relationships like the plague, and on the rare occasion that I actually started one, I would dump people at the drop of a hat for engaging in behavior that I considered to be unappealing. There was once an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry stopped dating numerous women for "fatal" flaws like talking too loud or having anti-fungal cream in their bathroom cabinets. I was that guy, and just as superficial.

What I also remember about that time (and I still go through periods like this) is that it is exhausting to keep up my defenses against everyone and everything. To have the energy to spend on enjoying life and the people in it when I am able to drop those defenses is exhilarating. It is also beautiful to share yourself with other people, to build a life and family with someone, and have them know who you really are and accept you even with your giant flaws.

Wanting to be different than just being afraid of intimacy is really a big first step that you've taken. It's like a goal that you can share in therapy and your T can help you work towards it. Whatever else you do, just keep working at it. If you've tried everything and this T can't help you, find another. It is not hopeless and it is very much possible to change.

yup...describes me exactly. I have been fighting it for years, I really wish I had an answer for you.

I also wish I had an answer. For me, having a male therapist made this issue worse, not better. Overall, in life, I have a much easier time with intimacy with women anyway....

I hear what you're saying about it ruining your life. Yeah, it does. I'm struggling with this too, but I've made some progress. I've still got a long way to go.

I agree with other posters who said the best way to approach it is to work it with your T because they're so good at emotional intimacy. That's what I've been doing, but my T basically dragged me kicking and screaming into emotional intimacy. He was relentless. I'm not sure what-all techniques & tricks he used to create this intimacy, but I felt it happening. I didn't want to feel anything for him, didn't want to feel close, didn't want any kind of connection, etc. But those feelings started to get stronger & stronger.

All I can say is that it's just kind of a hellish struggle, actually. I just had to keep fighting myself and forcing myself to feel that bond, or connection. I'd get scared and back off and become distant, then get sucked in again. Back & forth, back & forth.

At some point I had to stop and ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?" And I imagined walking into a session and having him point at me and start laughing, and saying things like "Ha, fooled ya! You're a pathetic loser, how dare you feel close to me? I'm a psychologist, and you're nothing!" I imagined every rotten thing I could, and then said to myself, "Would this kill me?" And I realized it wouldn't. It would hurt like hell, but it wouldn't destroy me. So I decided to just give in and go with it. All the anxiety over this went away, and you know what? Emotional intimacy is wonderful! I truly envy everyone in this world who has that connection with another human being.

Now, three ruptures later, I'm still discovering where this fear comes from and how I can overcome it with other people. It's just a bloody struggle, but so worth it.

I hope you can start to trust your T, just a little bit at a time. As you do, you'll start to feel that connection. Try not to run away, and be sure and tell your T how you're feeling. Anger has been common with me in this struggle, so just let whatever feelings are there come out.

Good luck - I'm rooting for you!

Is intimacy the same thing as attachment?

i am working through this now within the therapeutic relationship. everytime i take a risk, or work through the intense internal fear to share and allow the connection, i'm working through this.

what i have to do is allow myself to feel that fear... but don't let it (the fear) stop me. to me, that's the first step. a BIG first step that i have to repeat over and over. (another good realization is that the fear inside me is NOT me. and i don't have to listen to it.)

for me, it takes a very conscious decision because reacting to the fear is habitual and instinctual.

it's definitely not easy, but when i see my life changing around me, i know taking this risk with my therapist is worth it and i learn so much. then hopefully i can take what i learn and apply it to RL.

Yes, I have worked through this. I worked through it in my real life relationships. I found that it had to do with trust, stuffed feelings/being able to express yourself, shame, meeting your needs, living in the moment, anxiety, healthy boundaries, self worth, healthy attachment and empowerment so you have to work on these in order to make progress on the intimacy.

What I would do is try the intimacy and see what is getting in the way and then work on that and then repeat, repeat, repeat. Self worth was probably the biggest thing.

With healthy child development children learn naturally to be able to be intimate. We have/had problems with this because something went wrong with our development. It can be fixed, though.

I think that healthy attachment is needed for intimacy.

My my my!.
This entire thread has struck some major nerves. i am confused about intimacy. i am opening up to my new T and my Pdoc, but i have never had an intimate relationship with anyone. i am not sure now that i think about it if anyone can even love me. It is not ruining life for me.
It just has helped keep me lonely.

To me, being lonely and not being loved IS life-ruining, in a way. Maybe it's just my advanced age. I have been functional all my life - worked full-time at a good job, got married, had a daughter, divorced, kept working. But living without love just sucks. And I've just had it.

I know exactly what you mean I have had issuess for a long time. I am either full bore or nothing.
When i was younger I had a hard time making friends. Being in a large group. Oh and marriages ugh..! I hated that private pressure u know what I mean? I have divorced many times because of my issues. I always thought to leave b4 they told me to leave Bad idea cause now at 55 I still have this issue kind of Lurking you minght say. Its hard to even say it hear let alone tell my T . sorry this is so back and forth. I just am saying "Your not alone" I wish you the very best.

do you guys think this fear is something your born with..like part of just who you are or do you think something causes you to be this way?

I think that it is from what you have experienced. Children must attach to a caregiver in order to survive. Not all attachment is good however. There is secure attachment and then the 3 types of insecure attachment.

For me, it was without a doubt something that was done to me. My mother actually told me about watching me in my crib sobbing and crying and wanting to be held while she just sat and watched me cry. She admitted she had not wanted me at all and actually praying to God and the Virgin Mary to take care of me if there was some reason they put me on this earth. She said I stopped crying, rolled over and went to sleep and from that point onward, did not particularly want to be held or touched. She said I was 'stand-offish' and 'creepy.' Definitely not the way I started out in life, but certainly the need for a certain amount of distance from other people, particularly women, has continued into my adulthood.

I can't "barrel" through it. I don't think it's possible. I'm 66 and most of my friends IRL I've discovered have the same problem. Maybe we attract each other. I have had female therapists who haven't always been better at it themselves.

Find the right person. Don't rush. Stay committed. Care enought to keep coming back. It can happen. In fact, it will happen.

It cannot be rushed. Intimacy has its own time. Every relationship has its own time. And it takes that long. It takes that long.

Believe in the process. Believe in each other. Let it be.

Roadie

My problem with intimacy is that I cannot see that I have anything to offer anybody else, and that whatever I may have to say is per definition not interesting for anybody else. I feel like a leech, feeding off the kindness of people who are willing to be with me.

I don't know if this is objectively true or just how I feel - I'm alone and fairly rational at the moment so the fear is not actually present, which is how I can think in those terms - but the outcome is the same. I cannot tell other people anything remotely personal about myself and when I do it becomes a huge deal and scares me immensely.

This is not very helpful I'm afraid but I wanted to put it out there.

I should add, perhaps, that those few times it has worked and does work, it is rather incredible. I am not actually hermit material.

please hold back on throwing rotten fruit, but I was thinking about this last night.

As human beings, we are entitled to have our hidden secrets, we do not have to be as "intimate" as people think. No one needs to know about the dark thoughts I have...as long as I am not acting on them. Maybe trying to open up that much is just unnatural?

To me, intimacy is being able to share the parts of myself and my experiences that I WANT to, and building a relationship(s) where the other person feels comfortable sharing what they want to. This means that there is an assumption that not everything can or should be shared, and one might want to share more with one person (e.g. spouse) than with others.

I suppose if people want to share EVERYTHING (which personally makes me wanna puke a little), there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not what I'm aiming for.