Taking risks

In the session that I transcribed, T stated that I must take risks in order to heal and connect. I realize after my last session that means she wants me to take a risk on her. She wants me to be truly vulnerable with her. That means I have to trust her. I don't know that I do.

I am taking a RL risk (which T was happy about when I told her about it). I'm meeting with a friend next Tuesday who I haven't seen in 1.5 years. She is one of those very pretty, popular people who has so many friends (and a job, husband, and 2 kids) that I should feel honored she wants to spend time with me. Ironically, she actually relates to me because she's afraid to get close to people. Most of her friendships are "surface" only. She doesn't have many true friends. I'm hoping that talking to this long-time friend (I've known her since I was 19 and she was 13...now 34 and 28) and being open with her will help me open up to T.

I want to heal and be healthy so badly sometimes, but opening up to T is hard, no matter how much I love her. And the last two sessions, she's been standoffish. That's the part that is hard for me; T is not consistent. Sometimes, she is so sweet and wants me to know how much she cares and how much she wants me to heal, and other times, she seems so distant. If I bring this up, she's telling me that I'm reading too much into things. That I should realize the relationship is the same no matter what she's acting like on any given day.

She's right though. Good relationships can fluctuate for reasons that have nothing to do with the relationship itself. No one can be 100% consistent in how they act; that would really not be human. So what you need to figure out is why you feel fear (use a different word if you don't like that one, but my gut is it is fear) when your T seems different somehow. What are you afraid of? And are those fears really about her, or is that old stuff coming up?

Sometimes, as counter-intuitive as this may seem, vulnerability comes *before* trust and contributes to it.

I would just take the risk. You can handle what happens after, and might be very very pleasantly surprised....

I know you're right Chris, and I'm sure it has something to do with my past. It is fear. In fact, most likely, it has to do with my mother and her frequent mood swings. That experience taught me to be hyper-sensitive to fluctuations because swings toward the negative meant bad consequences for me.

I know you're right also, ellie. I just need to hold my nose and jump. Hopefully, this time will be different!