I went to see T today and realized that I knew it had to end. We have worked through some really tough stuff together, big ruptures, hard, hard parts of my story, and there have been lots of times when I wanted to run away, but I kept showing up.

I realized this isn't like that.

My therapy is just contaminated in a way that I don't think we can fix. It's been going on for so long - since January - and we've worked so hard, and it's just still so painful. And I realized that even if we get through this particular moment we're in, certain things won't have changed and it will never, ever be the same safe place it was.

So I told him that we had to end it and we needed to figure out how to do it as well as we could. I told him that I thought he knew it needed to end too. He said he was torn - he wanted both - for me to be able to continue until I was "done" and for me to feel empowered and not in so much pain.

At one point I started to drift away and he said we should stand up and walk around, so we did, and then we sat together on the couch and everything changed all of a sudden. All of a sudden we were doing the "ending". And it was right.

We had been talking about the fact that our relationship was so intimate and so important and that it felt like we needed something physically symbolic to honor it. He said he wanted me to have something and he wanted something.

He took something off of his desk that has meant a lot during my journey with him and put it in my hand and closed both of my hands around it and held them with his and he told me he wanted me to take it home with me. And then he said everything I always wished he would say. If I had written a script for "what T would say at my last session", he would have been reading right off the script...but he was talking from his heart. I don't want to write it here, but it was just right. It was just what I needed to hear. Just what I've ALWAYS needed to hear, my entire life.

I cried. Oh my gosh, I cried SO much. I think I cried for 90 minutes straight.

He talked about different parts of my therapy, and about the things he learned from me. He told me how much he loves me. He held me and he kissed the top of my head.

I don't know. There was a lot, and I feel like I'm not getting it all down here. It was right. And painful. Bittersweet, for sure.

I asked T to write something for me, and he wrote something for each of my parts, and wrote words I can read if I ever forget that I am deserving of love.

There were lots of hugs and so many tears that when I left, T sent me home with the entire BOX of kleenex.

I had to go straight to baseball for the day, so that was a little surreal, but okay too. I like being outside under the sky. At the grocery store this evening I burst into tears waiting to get turkey at the deli. I think it might be that way for a while.

But T told me not to isolate. So I reached out to my good friends, and H, and I'm just letting my heart feel the ache. I know the ache wouldn't be so big if the love hadn't been so big.

T said that the fact that it ended when it did is sad and disappointing, for him, and for me. But it's okay, too.

I am making something for him, for his office, that symbolizes our healing together. So I will work on that, and that will probably help.

And now I really do know what it feels like to be loved.

I wanted to add that I told T that I wanted to find a way to remember all off the GOOD that we had, because there was SO MUCH of it. I didn't want to walk away with just bad. I think we did it.

[rainbow8]

Oh, nightsky. You and T are amazing! That has never changed. I'm glad it ended in the "right" way if it had to end. Take care. You'll cry more, like any grief, and that's okay.

As hard as it was, it sounds like it was beautiful ending. Thank you for sharing.

[SpiritRunner]

Beautiful. I'm glad he understood so well how to end it right, end it safely and lovingly for you.
And I believe you have done the right and the safe thing for your heart ... though I know it hurts and there is grief and loss ... in the end, I believe this is the right thing for your heart/your healing/your future, the right thing for both of you.
But I am sorry for the hurting. At least there is the sweetness of the ending to ease the hurting, to ease the bitterness of all the hardness you endured the last few months ....
Please take care.

[healed84]

Wow, it sound slike a very beautiful ending.. How sad, but beautiful. Thanks for sharing that, termination can be sad, but doesn't have to leave on bad terms.

thats an ending made out of beautiful things,so glad you got to have it

[googley]

(((((((((((((NightSky)))))))))))))
You have grown and learned so much while working with T. I have seen the changes in you. I'm glad that you are going to be able to hold onto those good changes and keep that with you.

You have always been an inspiration to me and will continue to be. Let us know how we can help you if you need/want it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by nightsky

My therapy is just contaminated in a way that I don't think we can fix. It's been going on for so long - since January - and we've worked so hard, and it's just still so painful. And I realized that even if we get through this particular moment we're in, certain things won't have changed and it will never, ever be the same safe place it was.

Relationships can never go back to the way they were. But you can often go forward.

The path of therapy is paved with crises. But crises can reach resolution, and the relationship becomes stronger and safer as a result.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Relationships can never go back to the way they were. But you can often go forward.

The path of therapy is paved with crises. But crises can reach resolution, and the relationship becomes stronger and safer as a result.

This is true, and I have experienced this with T so many times over the years.

This was different. It was time to move on. Not run away, but move on.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by nightsky

This is true, and I have experienced this with T so many times over the years.

This was different. It was time to move on. Not run away, but move on.

Good luck!

[Nightlight]

It was hard not to cry just reading that. That was really beautiful...and definitely bittersweet. Thanks so much for sharing that. I'm glad you are left with so many good things to hold onto. Those things can't be taken away.

[karebear1]

I'm thinking about you nightsky.

[stopdog]

Good luck with the next chapter.

[pbutton]

I am thinking of you.

[SallyBrown]

This broke my heart. It is so sad. But you're an incredibly strong person for facing the heartbreak and choosing to turn away from an unhealthy situation. I hope the next step holds wonderful things.

[WikidPissah]

(((nightsky))) ending is very difficult, but you managed to do it well. Congrats.

[ECHOES]

Thinking of you today.

i have often wondered how my therapy would end. i hope it ends just like yours. me making the choice to leave, and t being incredibly gentle and warm and okay with it all.

your t did wonderful and so did you!
sending safe hugs for life!
ps i always loved the .78 cents story.

[adel34]

Hi Nightsky,
Wow! What a touching way to end. Your therapist sounds so so caring. It sounds like you guys had quite a relationship and both touched each other's lives so deeply. These are the kind of stories I love hearing, and what I think therapy is really about, the connection between two people and how each is touched and changed forever. I loved the part about him giving you a physical object that's meaningful, and you making something for his office. And that he wrote and said all the things that you wished he would.
I'm sure the grieving process will tak a while. But you're right the hurt wouldn't be so big if the love wasn't. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

[confuseduk]

nightsky

[Indie'sOK]

((((((nightsky)))))))

That was beautiful, and bittersweet indeed But it sounds like it went well. I think ending is going to be sad no matter how much we try to prevent it. I hope mine goes as well as yours when the time comes.

I had read your first post before writing my own termination thread...yours brought to the surface feelings that I'd been worrying about subconsciously for awhile. Thank you.

[Towanda]

Thank you for such a beautiful story - it brought tears to my eyes. Take care and be gentle with yourself while you're healing

[zooropa]

I can't even read your whole post right now, nightsky. Not all at once. But I can say, having read at least the first half, that I am so proud of you. That my heart aches for you, and I am crying now for you and for me and for what we've lost and what we've gained. I don't even know what has happened with your T since January, but I do know that you did an enormous amount of incredibly hard work with him, and I am SO GLAD that you got the kind of ending that honored that work and the relationship that you built.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, and I'm so proud of you, and once again just completely amazed at your strength and courage.