[Fixated]

Well, I finally mustered up the guts to tell T about the extreme part of my tendency want people to like me. I told her that every once and a while there is a certain person where if I can get them to like me, if I can be special to them, that it will mean maybe I am not worthless or irredeemable. So I go to great lengths to try and get these people to like me more that others (that is key for what caring means to me. They have to like me more or even best in certain situations).

I told T that unfortunately for me, she is one of those people. And that I have been very frustrated trying to keep myself in check so that I'm not too pathetic or too manipulative.

She realized that her definition of caring was very different than mine. She said that there was no way that I would ever be special to her in the way I would want to. She "cares" about all of her patients the same. She doesn't like one over the other. She seems to think this knowledge that it is impossible would extinguish my desire, but I don't think that will be the case. After crying last night, I was already thinking that I had to find a better way to get her to care.

She thinks, and I agree, that if I cannot get past this that it will poison my therapy. I told her that it already has. And I really don't understand how there aren't certain clients that just touch her and mean more than others. It would make more sense if she had clients who meant more, and I just wasn't one of them.

And then on the other hand, I don't think I can go through this whole painful process with a T that I'm just a number to. She's very competent, but has a cool professionalism.

I just think this might be the end. I was very upset last night, but now I think that it was just not meant to be.

Originally Posted by Fixated

And then on the other hand, I don't think I can go through this whole painful process with a T that I'm just a number to. She's very competent, but has a cool professionalism.

I would assume that this issue will follow you to every T you ever see. Right now you have a T who already see's this issue and is willing to work on it with you....so maybe you should keep going. I don't think your T was saying you are just a number and she didn't say she doesn't care about you, just that she has no favorites. People on here have used the teacher/student example as a way to harness this feeling. All teachers care for all student , in different ways. Maybe you could leave an item in her office or develop a special handshake or even have an inside joke and take that as she cares for in a different way then others?

I'm unsure why your T had to make it such a big thing. It's natural to start with that we are so emotionally starved that only being that special one appears to be the only option. Of course we start of feeling that. But with time we learn that we don't have to be number one, we learn if T is good enough that what we are getting becomes enough and being number 1 falls away.

I'm surprised Your T didn't just say "Yes I can understand those feelings" and carry on working with them. They can't 'poison' anyone.

[content30]

First, Fixated, I want you to know that you are not alone in this, and I'm so sorry that you were upset last night. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have always, as far back as I can remember, had a desire to be liked and to be everyone's favorite/the best: favorite child, grandchild, friend, student, employee, client, etc. I'm glad you wrote about this, as I now realize that I really should bring this up with my T (have discussed perfectionism quite a bit but not this specifically). Anyway, enough about me….

Like earthmamma, I'm surprised that she didn't validate your feelings and then explore this more. Honestly, I do not believe her for one second that she does not care for some patients more than others. Everyone has a different personality, and for sure, at the very least, she must "click" with some patients more than others! I see her as acting like a parent, telling a white lie about a 5-year-old's painting of a house and tree being fantastic, fabulous! Although I am not currently in the education field, when I was younger, I worked with kids a LOT. Let me tell you, I definitely clicked with some more than others. Did I care about them all? Yes. Did I connect and have a special bond with some that I did not have with others? Most certainly, yes! Of course, I tried to hide my favoritism the best that I could. If your T is a human being, she must, at the very least, be more drawn to some personalities and people than others, despite what she says to you or even to herself.

If you feel that this lack of a connection with T will "poison" your relationship/has "poisoned" your relationship, then it might be for the best for you to find a T that makes you feel special and/or that you have a special connection with. My first two T's and I did not click/did not have a special relationship. My third T, my T now, and I really do "click," which she has even said. Although I haven't/won't ask her if I am her favorite, she did skirt around the issue one day and basically let me know in a very round-a-bout, therapisty kind of way that I am special to her. I'm trying to let that be enough--ha! For me, I need this with my therapist as you seem to also. This is the first T that has really helped me and that I have really trusted enough to tell my "junk." This T of yours may not be "the one," but I am sure that you can find one to have a special bond with…one that doesn't seem quite so "clinical," even though you still may not be the favorite. You just might have to go through a few to find that special T relationship. At the very least, I hope you can find a T that can help you with this/through this aspect of your personality!

Best of luck!

My T will not admit to having favorites, but acknowledges it is something many clients struggle with. He compared it to how everyone wants to the parents' favorite, but then when they are, that messes with them also. The marriage counselor we see, however, freely admits that therapists have favorite clients. I agree with content that therapists will tell that little white lie to try to keep any of us from feeling upset about not being the favorite, or too special if we learn we are a favorite.

[precious things]

I think it is incredibly difficult to maintain the perspective that we enter therapy to ultimately heal ourselves from whatever pain or issue we are struggling with. The T is a facilitator to the healing but the focus has to remain on ourselves, our goals, and ultimately where we are going in life. I hate the cool professional approach but also couldn't afford to get emotionally enmeshed with a T and all their feelings towards me as it would greatly distract me from the what I need to work on. Don't lose the focus on YOU, what your goals of therapy are. If she is a good T, she will guide you back to that focus with professional compassion. Remember, therapy is about you and not any one T.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I would assume that this issue will follow you to every T you ever see. Maybe you could leave an item in her office or develop a special handshake or even have an inside joke and take that as she cares for in a different way then others?

Yes, it would follow me to other Ts, but maybe they would be able to handle it in a way that would be better/easier for me. T does have a gift I gave her displayed in her office, but it was the product of a huge misunderstanding where I thought T was telling me I was special, so it brings back bad memories. Idk. Maybe if she would say something she feels about me.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I'm unsure why your T had to make it such a big thing. It's natural to start with that we are so emotionally starved that only being that special one appears to be the only option. Of course we start of feeling that. But with time we learn that we don't have to be number one, we learn if T is good enough that what we are getting becomes enough and being number 1 falls away.

I'm surprised Your T didn't just say "Yes I can understand those feelings" and carry on working with them. They can't 'poison' anyone.

Thank you for this because she acted (not in a mean way) as if I was the weird one for feeling this way. As if it was crazy that I couldn't comprehend caring about a group of people equally w/o having some be more near and dear than others. She used the sibling example. I just have no/very little real world experience with this. I don't see how it can't be hierarchical in some way. She says my view is too simplistic, but I think hers is unrealistic.

It can poison my therapy if I continue to try and manipulate the situation so she likes me more. I think that could be true.

Originally Posted by content30

Like earthmamma, I'm surprised that she didn't validate your feelings and then explore this more. Honestly, I do not believe her for one second that she does not care for some patients more than others. Everyone has a different personality, and for sure, at the very least, she must "click" with some patients more than others! I see her as acting like a parent, telling a white lie about a 5-year-old's painting of a house and tree being fantastic, fabulous! Although I am not currently in the education field, when I was younger, I worked with kids a LOT. Let me tell you, I definitely clicked with some more than others. Did I care about them all? Yes. Did I connect and have a special bond with some that I did not have with others? Most certainly, yes! Of course, I tried to hide my favoritism the best that I could. If your T is a human being, she must, at the very least, be more drawn to some personalities and people than others, despite what she says to you or even to herself.

Thank you. Thank you for helping me to not think that I am crazy or alone in this thinking. It is very hard to believe something in the face if T saying it is not true.

I have been thinking long and hard about whether to stay. It is even more difficult because I still have this insane desire to get T to like me more/most. I think T can still help me in my journey, but I think it could be a rockier, more painful road. It might be easier to have a T who clicks or one with a different perspective on the therapy relationship. But idk if I have the guts to start over. That is scary.

[Bill3]

I think that it is possible to care equally for all clients and also recognize that some relationships function or "click" better than others.

[WikidPissah]

I always look at it from my perspective with my own clients. I am not a t, I am a cpa, so I realize it's different.

I have clients that I like very much. I have clients that I tolerate. If I dislike a client I usually avoid working for them. But favorites? No. Favorites are my friends, my H, my family. People who give as much as they take. People I rely on for friendship, love and support. Never people who pay for my services, it's too one way. With clients it's all about THEM, and with favorite people it's about US. See what I mean?

So, I think that if your t at least likes you then you are okay. I have no desire to be a favorite with my t, because I need T to be about her listening to me. I need to know that my check and insurance card clear me from having to give back.

[unaluna]

I don't want my T to explain his magician's tricks to me. If he needs to be wily and manipulative, as Stopdog says, my inner child or unconscious or whoever probably doesn't need to know about it. I feel like your T is being a little hostile in tipping her hand, being a little too honest. My T says he knows his business better than I do. After I had to show him some computer stuff, which was my career, I was like Wayne's World - I am not worthy!! If I am as bad at psychology as he is at computers, or if he is as good at psychology as I am at computers - do you get my point? I agree with the other posters - someone who loves you a little better might be what you need. You won't lose your progress - I think you'll take it with you, like physical fitness. You're just switching to a better coach.

My ex-T said he did not care about all of his clients "equally"...brought on because it used to always annoy me when he said he cared about me and I always thought BLAH BLAH BLAH so what; those words meant ZERO to me.
I believe that, tho...how can a T?? That seems inauthentic. Seems like they can be empathetic to all of them but not care about all of them equally.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Favorites are my friends, my H, my family. People who give as much as they take. People I rely on for friendship, love and support. Never people who pay for my services, it's too one way. With clients it's all about THEM, and with favorite people it's about US. See what I mean? .

not entirely, Wiki, I guess I don't. Should the client offer the T friendship, love, or support, it's held at arm's length and if persisted in, will be rebuffed.

That's not the same as someone IRL who never offers any of those things, is only concerned with self, and therefore could never be in the running for one's 'favorite' in the sense you mean.

Bottom line, the client ends up pigeonholed as "someone who pays for my services", someone who is only interested in self - but in truth, is one who, always, is actively prevented by the T from being anything else.

what a weird system.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Fixated

She seems to think this knowledge that it is impossible would extinguish my desire, but I don't think that will be the case. After crying last night, I was already thinking that I had to find a better way to get her to care.

I just think this might be the end. I was very upset last night, but now I think that it was just not meant to be.

It seems to me that the important issues are
1. Do you feel cared for and supported by your T?
If not, why not? Is it you? or her?

2. Why do you feel someone else holds a key to you feeling okay about yourself?

Neither of those require her ranking you, or other clients, on some sort of specialness scale, or telling you that "you aren't special".

I totally understand the feeling. I have felt the same. And it felt good. and it felt therapeutic. It increased my trust in her. And I was wrong. Or maybe I was special, but not in a good way.

I think I would find a response of "all my clients are special" very unsatisfying. It addresses acceptable behavior, but not my feelings, or the reasons for my feelings. And makes me afraid to talk about these particular feelings.

I have had a professional (not T) tell me that she has a policy of not socializing with her clients. That was okay to hear. That's different from being/not being special.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Yes, it would follow me to other Ts, but maybe they would be able to handle it in a way that would be better/easier for me.

This strikes me as making a lot of sense and may be among the best reasons to switch T's. The self awareness reflects a lot of progress, and perhaps you need someone different to take that progress and work with you in a different way, to help you move forward? Do you think that you could have a conversation with her, and just say this to her? That might in and of itself be incredibly useful for you, either because her response helps you clarify that this won't work for you, or because it will help her work with you more effectively.

I think it would also be perfectly acceptable to go check out other T's, and explain this issue to them in the clear way you have here. Maybe in getting a "consultation" from someone else, some more clarity would emerge.

[Nightlight]

Therapy relationships are weird. The boundaries can be weird and the things many of them say are weird sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it hurts too much. Logically I do understand some of the weirdness, but still.

I'd feel really sad about hearing that I was liked exactly the same or equally to all other clients, even if it was true. And really, I have enough sadness over that from the past, thanks very much. I had a second T who I saw for a while and although I liked her and gained support from her, I doubt I was anything like a favourite or special to her, I just had this strong sense of knowing that while I had her full support, she probably did have plenty of clients who had more of a relationship with her, and it didn't bother me at all. It wasn't what I needed from her at the time. But even if she had told me that she liked me exactly the same as she liked all other clients, I wouldn't have been that pleased to hear it phrased that way.

I think perhaps it's more helpful to focus on what T's like about us as individuals that does make us special to them. My T will tell me that she can't be what I want her to be, but she does still give me a lot. She's careful to tell me enough of the positive stuff so that I can incorporate it into my view of myself, I guess. I also feel like time spent working together does count for a lot. They're also there sharing in this relationship, and I'd imagine many of them also do feel attached to certain clients.

For me it's not so much about being the favourite client. I'm a client, they're all clients, so they're all in the same relationship with T that is limited by boundaries. I just want to mean the same to her in return. For me it's about being important. I want to be important in her life like she is in mine. Of course, I never will be. I'm terrified of the end and losing this person that I felt an instant connection with. I also met her and I liked her a lot instantly. The relationship isn't just about me, it's about me and how I relate to her and the feelings it brings up (which all relate to my real life). She's been rather open and very genuine and I do genuinely care about her enormously.

I also think it's natural to want to have or be those sorts of things if you've always missed out. Maybe at this time it would have been more helpful for your T to talk about why you felt that way and where the feelings really came from.

I think at first my T would only tell me things like she only worked with people she liked. T will now say that she particularly looks forwards to seeing me, and other things like that. I know that sometimes she'll go out of her way for me and do things that she doesn't do for either any or many other people and that makes me feel special. Very occasionally she'll say something very positive that she says just once and never again. I always wonder if she meant those things and if they're still true, but I'm very glad she said those things, if just once.

I really feel that I've needed this genuine relationship that I have with my current T. I've needed to have some things back in return. It's hard for me to know if I could really solve the big problems, the really deep issues with someone who didn't share much of their experience of how they truly related to me. I can't imagine it would help, but I also don't have any long term experience of working with someone like that.

[Fixated]

Everyone has been really great in responding. I wish I could reply right now, but I am feeling very off kilter. Everything is out of control right now. I'm screwing up my grad career over the last few days. I just need things to slow down. Everything is just so fast right now. Feel like I'm barely hanging on.

[sittingatwatersedge]

barely hanging on counts too. Hope you get some rest.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Fixated

Everyone has been really great in responding. I wish I could reply right now, but I am feeling very off kilter. Everything is out of control right now. I'm screwing up my grad career over the last few days. I just need things to slow down. Everything is just so fast right now. Feel like I'm barely hanging on.

I very much get this, and am sorry that you are feeling this way right now.