[Chopin99]

I went into session with absolutely no agenda. T asked about the prednisone. I told her how it affected me physically and I tapered off early. She asked about H and I told her how he was. She asked about mindfulness. I said that the conditions of the weekend helped me be mindful because I couldn't do much else. She asked me about the gratitude journal.

I'd forgotten about that.

She said, "I've been doing it every morning." She went into how she was writing down mundane things and thought it wasn't enough, but then she realized that God wants us to be happy with all his gifts, large or small. I told her I'd done it in my mind, but had not written it down. She went into a story of a mission trip she took with her daughter's youth group years ago about helping a family that seemed as if nothing was wrong with them. It was easy to judge them until she started talking to them. She realized what they lacked was hope.

I said, "Well, I suppose that's what I came here seeking. Hope."

We reminisced about my early days of therapy. She said, "You kept asking, 'Is there healing?' 'How do I get healing?' 'What do I have to do to get healing?' 'Why is there healing?' and in doing so, getting so wrapped up in the process that you couldn't heal. God holds the healing; you have to be willing to take it. I've told you for awhile now; it isn't you. It isn't me." She then stopped, looked sheepish, and said, "I'm preaching again, aren't I?" I said, "Yes, but it's okay."

I said, "I've noticed in the last 3 sessions that I've become comfortable being here for the first time." She said, "See, that's God. I haven't changed a thing I'm doing." It's true. She hasn't. I said the poem I wrote in the card that I gave her was the first time I'd really recognized that it wasn't her. God was using her to heal me.

I told her that I was grateful that she had stuck with me. She asked if I realized that it was just as big, if not bigger, that I've stuck with her. She said she knows we've both been pretty annoyed with each other but both of us had committed to the process and now healing was occurring.

The next parts are going to be disjointed because they were scattered throughout session (it was one of those rabbit trail days for T ). She told me at the beginning of session about a devotional reading. She remembered that it made her think of me, but couldn't remember anything else about it. I have the book and she told me the date range, but I can't figure out which one it was...they all seem to apply. I'm going to have to email and ask her.

A funny thing she told me: "You are definitely on the road to healing and you are starting to realize it's not me. You see, next week, you could come in here and something could set me off. I could tell you, 'I hate you, you are worthless and hopeless, and I never want to see you again.' As awful and hurtful as that would be; where you are at in your healing process, your response wouldn't be, 'Oh no, it's the end of the world; everything she's saying is true.' It would be, 'I'd better find another counselor because this one's obviously gone around the bend!' Then I would want you to call and have me committed because that's what I would deserve."

That was funny to me, but she shared something personal at the end of session that makes me wonder if she fears for her sanity. She told me, "I've been very negative and down for about six months now. I don't know if I have PTSD related to my cancer struggle or what. I'm starting to see how negative I've become. That's one huge reason I am doing the gratitude journal. I'm doing it even if I don't have time. I give up something else so that I can do it. I know thankfulness is incompatible with negativity and while I've never been a natural optimist, I've never been a natural pessimist either. I don't like it."

So an interesting session, all in all. I felt very healthy myself walking out of there today, if a mite concerned about T herself. I don't know if that's really good or not (what she shared), but it does help me remember I'm talking to a real person, not an automaton.

[rainboots87]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I don't know if that's really good or not (what she shared), but it does help me remember I'm talking to a real person, not an automaton.

I understand that. When my T shared some personal experiences and emotions here and there (as necessary), it really helped remind me that she's not an amazing perfect super-T, that she's human too.

It sounds like you had a good, perhaps thought-provoking session.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I said, "I've noticed in the last 3 sessions that I've become comfortable being here for the first time."

Hooray!

Originally Posted by Chopin99

She said, "See, that's God. I haven't changed a thing I'm doing." It's true. She hasn't.

More specifically, you've grown more comfortable.

[granite1]

wow the relationship you have with your Tis so awsome i love reading how you work things out and how you relate i learn so much. i hope some day someone can say they hate me and it wouldnt crush my world.that is awsome

[WikidPissah]

(((chopin))) I am glad it worked for you. Awesome.

[autotelica]

I think she should give you credit for your healing.

Love reading about your sessions. And I think it's so great that you left there feeling healthy. Give yourself credit for you healing as well as any other sources it's coming from.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

More specifically, you've grown more comfortable.

Originally Posted by autotelica

I think she should give you credit for your healing.

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

Love reading about your sessions. And I think it's so great that you left there feeling healthy. Give yourself credit for you healing as well as any other sources it's coming from.

T is a more traditional Christian, whereas I am more liberal. The way I look at it, God helps those who helps themselves. I have to be willing and work toward that healing that he provides.

Then again, I'm not here for a religious debate. I yam what I yam!!

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

Love reading about your sessions. And I think it's so great that you left there feeling healthy. Give yourself credit for you healing as well as any other sources it's coming from.

I agree with TryinToGetBy....i read every single one of your posts. You're so open with your therapy and your progress. I love the relationship you and your T have. Its so paternal yet adult at the same time. Sounds like you both walk away with alot from it.

[Wren_]

I think you have grown a lot also ... and probably would think that if your T did those things she mentioned (that you do deserve help and would go out and get it). I am a bit concerned about her own state of mind though from what you shared ... maybe she needs her own counselor if she doesn't have one already? your relationship has always been as friends as well as counselor/client so maybe it's something you could raise however weird it might seem in some ways