[delicatefade26]

I had T today...I can't process it at all in my head-but I know that I've had enough of this life-I just want to die...I pray I go to sleep tonight and never wake up...I will leave here somehow...soon. I need to let go and just die.

DelicateFade... do you want to talk about what happened? or what is causing these thoughts? what is your plan for when these feelings creep in?

[delicatefade26]

I think it all just hot me tonigt-I've just had enough-in done.

DelicateFade, can you call your T? I know if I felt that way my T would want me to call.

[lynn P.]

I'm really sorry you feel so overwhelmed (((delicatefade26)). Its happens sometimes but please reach out for help. People can hold you up when you're not strong.

Could you call a hotline? or what about going to the hospital? You need to do what will keep you safe.

[delicatefade26]

I just saw him tonight anyways-I emailed him...but I just don't care anymore...

[delicatefade26]

I want me T to do my service-ill leave a list of things I want him to say

If you are actively suicidal, please get to an ER where you can get some help and be safe.

If you are just in the midst of those thoughts and feelings that are so awful, try to make a phone call to your T, not just a text or email. You need to speak to him voice to voice. It is getting into the evening now. Is just letting yourself sleep a possibility? I know sometimes that is really all I can do for myself when I'm feeling that low. Just sleep through the night. Generally with the morning comes a bit more clarity.

So sorry you are feeling so awful.

[bluemountains]

Please call your t, delicate fade, instead of relying on him to see the email. If you can't get in touch with him, please call the hotline. They'll know what to do to make it better. Many, many hugs and keep posting to let us know how things are going.
Bluemountains

[roads]

Hey, delicatefade, wish I could help lift you up some in what's proving a hard time for you. These things are so difficult to live through ... Letting go is so appealing, but momentary relief seems such little to let go to.

I don't know whether spending any time with the Mumford-&-Sons folks (at Bonnaroo) would appeal just now--since you seem to have passed gray and chosen to stay with black--but here's a link, it's your choice----LINK-->

Roadie

[lynn P.]

Here a page from the PC help sources and I pray you feel better soon.

http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm

[carly011]

Go to the ER or call 911. I know its scary, but inpatient does help! i was just released from IP today. Last week i was planning on committing suicide, but my therapist caught on and sent me to the hospital. I feel much better now!

[delicatefade26]

I fell asleep and now sitting here at 1am with a horrible headache and feeling so alone...I'm suppose to be at work at 8am I don't think I can

[tkdgirl]

How are you doing today? Did you get back to sleep delicate?

[rosabella]

I understand exactly where you are at. Sometimes after therapy I would walk home because I would be crying so hard I would be bent over crying and could not take a bus. Therapy can be so intense that you feel like you are going to fall apart or you just see so much that has gone wrong in your life that you just want to give up.
It is great that you used a means of reaching out to other people. It's a good first step but you still need to get more help. If you are feeling that down then you need to make a plan for safety. Whether it is with your T or with someone you trust there needs to be someone to look out for you because alot of people here care about you and are willing to help. If you can agree to go one day at a time that is a beginning. You don't know if tomorrow will be a good or bad day, all your doing is saying you will give it a chance. I hope that you will go to the hospital if you cannot make at the least that commitment. You should do this with your T or someone you see daily but if you want, make it with someone you have constant contact with here.
When I was at your point I had stock piled enough meds to take myself out quick and quietly. I decided to give it one more day. That night at midnight my best friend and her two year old son showed up at my door. I broke into tears and she asked what was wrong. I told her what I was going to do. She said she had a bad feeling so she packed up her son and came to my house. No phone call, no letter, I didn't contact her at all. She stayed for the next three months. If I had done it that night I would not be here giving you advice. I can't say my life has improved greatly since then but I completed some of my life goals and I decided if I am going to feel bad I am going to travel and feel bad. So far, I have traveled throughout the USA. Next is the pyramids in Peru.
Hope you feel better soon.

Check in with us when you feel up to it. We're thinking about you.

[AngelWolf3]

Yes, please check in and let us know how you are doing today.

[delicatefade26]

Hey y'all I'm at work right now-I don't know how I'm making it through-2 more hours-I just don't know if I'm bad enough to go to hospital-I'll have moments where I feel ok-I would rather stay and bed and just sleep. I don't know anymore...maybe I will call T

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

Hey y'all I'm at work right now-I don't know how I'm making it through-2 more hours-I just don't know if I'm bad enough to go to hospital-I'll have moments where I feel ok-I would rather stay and bed and just sleep. I don't know anymore...maybe I will call T

I'm so glad you are holding it together if only on the outside... getting to work is a major accomplishment. It would be great if you could talk to T...don't kow if you are in US but I would call before the holiday.

[AngelWolf3]

Most def. 2 more hours... you can do it...

Definitely call T (before the office closes and we're into the holiday) if only just to touch base. Glad to hear you made it to work. Certainly better to be there than to be isolated at home. Keep us updated.

[delicatefade26]

I wanted to thank everyone for the support and concern and hugs-it really means a lot to me. So while I was at work I had called T-but he didn't answer but I didn't leave a voicemail (I know I know) but I've been laying in bed and I get a call from T saying he saw I called but didn't leave a voicemail and wondered what was up. I told him I was at work and was having a really bad day-he asked if it is like my usual day-after-therapy bad-and I said yea kinda but worse. He asked how I was doing now and I said that I was okay....but still not the greatest. Then he asked if I could come in on Friday because he will be on vacation (again) next week and he doesn't want it to seem like so long in between for me-and that we will do one early the week he is back-so we worked that out.
So after this extremely intense feelings that have somewhat subsided-I was able to clearly think about what is really going on...and also see a pattern. So after a therapy session-the next day is usually bad for me-especially when we have talked about things that are tough-and yesterday's was-so it stirred up in me the most deep hurt...and it's horrible to leave the safety and love of T. On top of that-I am pms-ing and every cycle right before I start I get extremely suicidal...the worst thoughts-most vivid-as soon as that passes I feel better-and then I feel like a lunatic-because I'm still depressed and just want to sleep-but I don't have these intense urges. I'm thinking I need to go on the pill or something-maybe that would help? I don't know. PDOC dumped me a month ago so I don't have anyone to talk about it with-and can't afford it yet. Also-the desire to die feels like an underlying "go to" emotion or thoughts-and I know that's part of the borderline stuff-a result of being a trauma survivor-it helped me get through a lot-the thought that I have the control to escape.....woah...I need to tell T this huh?
So I think my next step is to look into BC and also continue to work with T on the day-after a session feelings and to know that if it goes over a certain point in my mind-and doesn't go away-it will be to the ER I go.
Thank yall again

trigger warning for a pretty graphic description of suicidal thoughts and what I did to interrupt them





delicate, at one point for me it felt like my brain went to those suicidal thoughts so often and so easily, it was like there was a rut worn in the pathways in my brain. Almost like it was a habit to become suicidal when stressed. My T said that is actually what happens. Like a groove in a record album (don't know how old you are - you may not know what I'm talking about ). Anyway, part of my therapy was to catch and interrupt that habit - like manually picking the needle on the record player up and moving it out of the groove. Or getting a wheel on your bike stuck in a rut. Stop pedaling for a second. Stop and pick your bike up, out of the rut, put it back on the path and then keep doing.

I did it by picking an image that would stop me from putting the gun to my head even in my thoughts. Every once in a while, my grandma would hold me when I was little. I would be on her lap, leaning back against her, and she would stroke my forehead with her hand. So, when I would start to picture putting the gun up to my head, I would insert my grandma's hand stroking my forehead. Because I would never in a million years shoot my grandma in the hand, or even put a gun up against her hand. Just doing this to interrupt the thoughts and get out the rut was like a miracle for me. Huge, huge amounts of relief to get away from those habituated thoughts.

I hope you can find relief and soon. I am so glad your T is getting you in Friday.

[delicatefade26]

Thank you MKAC-that sounds like a good idea to think of something else-an image-my problem is that the images I get of what I would do to kill myself change so fast-but maybe I willl think of the one that goes on the most up there...I need to talk to T about all of this on Friday...not too much longer.
I asked him for an "assignment" to do before Friday-and he gave me one-I'm suppose to make a box with three sections-for where I've been, where I'm now, and Where I want to be...and really no rules-they can be pictures or figures...so anywyas-i'm going to do that tonight-and I'm going to be honest with where I'm at now and include something to represent suicide.