I am having a really really hard time trying to get people to understand what I'm trying to say, so please, please be patient with me and please, please don't get frustrated. I just get in these modes where I can't communicate correctly and everyone gets confused, but I still need to get things off my chest.

I have this team of all these caseworkers and stuff and they are the blind leading the blind. All of them have so many issues. I told my mom the other day "If I know their issues, there's an issue". And I do. I started spouting off all their issues to my mom, and my mom who is a counselor was worried why I know all this stuff. Well I am very hypervigilent, but they have also told me straight up about it.

They keep telling me all these plans for me, and then they back out of it. They'll say "Okay we're sending you back to Sheppard Prat" and then they'll turn around and tell me I'm not going and then turn around again and tell me I'm going then turn back around and say I am not. Nobody is on the same page and it frustrates me. And sometimes they get really upset and just spout off stuff without consulting the rest of the team about it, just to upset me or to try and manipulate me to do things their way.

The other day they said something that sort of upset me. They said that back in 2010 when I was working with their therapist that I went in the hospital two times while he was on vacation and that this meant that I couldn't hold it together without him, and I was obsessed with him.

The first time he went away I had serotonin syndrome and I went in a medical hospital... I couldn't really avoid that. It's not like I could be like "let me hold this off till when A gets home" Serotonin syndrome can kill you. The second time it happened I went in for a short stay at a psych hospital and I could see them drawing that conclusion there, but it was probably just a coincidence as there were many times he left that I stayed together fine. And in the end, after he left for good, I stayed together just fine. So it's like they were saying I can't survive without A. But A has like this weird complex. He told the entire team that I called him a sexual predator and I did no such thing, ever. He has this complex where he thinks that I am obsessed with him and it really bothers me, because nobody would ever believe me, because I'm just a measly patient. I didn't even bother saying anything when they told me that was their theory from two years ago. I just let it go. It's so frustrating to deal with these people.

But the reason I do it is because the psychiatrist is really good. He's probably the only psychiatrist in my area educated on dissociative disorders, unless I want to travel 1.5 hours and pay 300 up front, and get reimbursed maybe 1/3 of that.

[RunningEagleRuns]

i sorta understand...

When i was im the psych hospital the lead doctor thought i was talking to people in my head when i was just singing a song.. she wouldnt listen when i told her so..

i think stuff like this is pretty common..

good luck! just try to not let it get to you

it will all pass, its temporal

try getting a new treatment team maybe?

[CantExplain]

((Lydia))

[Luce]

As hard as it is, when we lose time it sometimes means that we have to suspend our own disbelief when it comes to what our alters may have done or said. We know WE wouoldn't have done or siad those things.... but our alters sometimes do and say things that are quite abhorrent to us.
How does it feel to consider the possiblility that one of your alters did say those things and did (or does) have an obsession with that t?

Originally Posted by Luce

As hard as it is, when we lose time it sometimes means that we have to suspend our own disbelief when it comes to what our alters may have done or said. We know WE wouoldn't have done or siad those things.... but our alters sometimes do and say things that are quite abhorrent to us.
How does it feel to consider the possiblility that one of your alters did say those things and did (or does) have an obsession with that t?

That's what I was wondering. Is it possible some things have happened and been said that you really aren't aware of because of the DID?

[Perna]

Sounds like a very uncomfortable position to be in Lydia. I think if I were in your shoes, wanting to stay with the psychiatrist but not liking the rest of the team, I'd try to learn to wait until things "happened" instead of their yammering about we're going to do this, that, and the other and then changing their minds. Wait until you actually are on the road going down to Sheppard Pratt before you think, "I'm going to Sheppard Pratt"?

It sounds like you know when you feel people are saying things that are not helpful to you, I would just nod politely and not give them the satisfaction of reacting negatively?

Originally Posted by Luce

As hard as it is, when we lose time it sometimes means that we have to suspend our own disbelief when it comes to what our alters may have done or said. We know WE wouoldn't have done or siad those things.... but our alters sometimes do and say things that are quite abhorrent to us.
How does it feel to consider the possiblility that one of your alters did say those things and did (or does) have an obsession with that t?

I considered this, fondly. But while I was at Sheppard Prat the first time I checked inside a good bit and nobody claimed it. When people say stuff that my parts did, it resonates with me and I know that it happened, I'm co conscious on a great level. Unless I'm on drugs. And I was not.

But if I told you guys some of the stuff that goes on your mouths would drop. Like how they take advantage of patients. They let patients work for free in their office, letting people with severe schizophrenia clean the bathrooms, and take out the garbage. And how they take advantage of a sweet young boy, who just wants to please them and ask him to go down to the corner store for them almost everyday. How they smoke in the car with their clients. How they are almost an hour late for every appt I have. How they take bets on how much pizza a man with prada willi syndrome can eat at an all you can eat pizza buffet. How they managed to hire two staff (who are now fired) who stole drugs from our bins.

Originally Posted by Perna

Sounds like a very uncomfortable position to be in Lydia. I think if I were in your shoes, wanting to stay with the psychiatrist but not liking the rest of the team, I'd try to learn to wait until things "happened" instead of their yammering about we're going to do this, that, and the other and then changing their minds. Wait until you actually are on the road going down to Sheppard Pratt before you think, "I'm going to Sheppard Pratt"?

It sounds like you know when you feel people are saying things that are not helpful to you, I would just nod politely and not give them the satisfaction of reacting negatively?

I think perhaps you are right Perna, which is sort of what I have had to learn to adapt to. It's just sad that I have to do that, as the client. I really like to prepare my parts well in advance. If they say something like "you're going to sheppard prat" and someone is listening, they tend to freak out and it sets my entire system off. So them using these things against me to manipulate me is very hard on me and my system. Like for example our conversations will go like this.

It's known that I am going to Sheppard Prat. My parts are prepared. They feel okay about it.

I start a conversation with my team leader.

"We need you to go into a group home before Sheppard Prat"
"That's not my wish at this time, if I need 24/7 care to go over memories, then I'm not ready to go over them". ( I am safe, unless I'm going over memories, as I am still in the stabilization process of DID)
"Well then I guess you're not ready to go to Sheppard Prat either".

I don't answer her.

A week later I talk to another caseworker

She says

"Well the plan is, is that you'll be going into Sheppard Prat"
"Team leader said I wasn't!?"

I had already reprepared my parts for not going.