[Big Mama]

I've been seeing my new T 5 - 6 times now. Some with my husband and some alone. I requested some visits alone because I felt like the T needed to understand me more. You can't work on me and on him without getting to know me seperately and him seperately. Then us together. She agreed we could do things that way if I prefured. It didn't have to be that way but If I felt a little better understood thats what we would do. I was glad to hear that. She really does have our best interest at heart. We are not just another paying person.
I've gotten a chance to know her a little better and now with so much greater understanding she knows why I wanted to see her alone. My husband and I are trying to work on things but he is also emotionally abusive. I have a lot of past trauma's more then I was even aware of.
Today we talked about different things that cause trauma's. In my case rape, abuse, & neglect. She wanted to kn ow was there anything else that may be a trigger. I didn't think so until she started listing examples. When I think of neglect I think of a child. But that is not always the case. Any time a need is not met at the hands of someone else or curcumstances beyond your control it is neglect. I fall into this catagory of neglect. For 15 years I lived in a house with only wood heat, The temperature inside in the winter was 6-8 degrees warmer than outside. It was nothing to wake up and it be 40 inside. one morning it was 24 degrees inside. All the pipes were frozen solid. My H peed and melted the water in the toilet. Thats funny now but not then. It was laugh or cry. So we laughed. Crying wouldn't make it any better. My H went off to work and left me to take care of the kids all day in a freerzing house. We were running out of fire wood to heat the house and he wouldn't listen to me when I told him we needed more. I was going to call my parents to bring us some but he wouldn't let me. That would make him look bad. My 4 year old asked me one morning "Are we going to be cold again today" I think those are t he saddest words I've ever heard. I went and stole wood from people who were not home and had plenty so wee could have a little. I had no job. I couldn't buy any. I can't run a chainsaw . My parents finially saw we were running out of wood and brought us some.
That house was hell. We could not drink the water majority of the time. It had dirt in it if it was to dry, It was brown muddy if it rained to much, and had oil on top for who knows what reason. We did drink it when what we could see looked good. Some of the rooms had no outlets. We did have indoor plumbing but it didn't always work so well. The kitchen cabinents fell off the wall and we proped them up with a 2 x 6. We laughed when ever the cabinent refaceing people would call. Again laugh or cry which will you do. My husband in the meantime bought a $10,000 truck. (he had to get back and forth to work) but $10,000 cash. We could have used a lesser expensive truck and used some of the money on that house. His theory was that house has no foundation we are sinking money into it. Yes. I get that but we also have to live in it. Well I do while you go off to work. We ate brown beans alot to save money. It was a very difficult `15 years in that house but the part that hurts me more than that house is to know that I was left there with kids cold just because. He hated that house but guess who hated it more, the person that lived in all day long, all evening, all night, ME. He put me here and left me here and didn't always care that I was alone, cold, hungry, with no money. His theory was at least we have a roof over our head. I'm giving you the best I can right now. I was neglected, my kids were neglected and nothing was done about it.
No I know I am to blame partially. I stayed with the man and allowed this to take place. Now we live in a much better home. We saved $100,000dollars to build a new home. As crazy as this sounds th control has not stopped. It's controll of a different kind. I would rather live in old, dirty falling down house any day then live in the hell I live in here. We clean like crazy people, we being me and the kids. To maintain this new home. It's not a home it's a house. The farm house was a home. Not this. I once thinked my husband for building me such a nice prison. (Bad idea) He still controlls the money. He wanted to track the meter to see how much t.v. we were watching. THink god he didn't. We still wonder where the next meal is coming from. We have stuff but it's more ingredients, not meal kinda food. Every time I gt my hands on money I save for the day we have nothing. I know this is no way to live but what is wrong with me that I can't walk away. It's not always this bad. Since my meeting with my T, this is what I feel right now. I could tell you happy stories but thats not where I am at right now mentally. It bothers me, why do I feel led to stay. I don't want to get into bible theory but I do believe divorce is not an option. I know there are exceptions to the rule. I crazy to stay I know. Just how crazy am I to hold out with faith that my hubby and I can make our marriage work. Think you for listening. Sometimes one just needs to dump. It seems as if you guys get to have more of my story dumped on you. Have a blessed evening.

[kiki86]

i'm not really sure what to say. just wanted to let you know i read your story and i feel for you. xx

[WikidPissah]

big mama, I am sorry that your life has been so hard. No one deserves to live that way.

But I am really triggered, I was a neglected kid so I see things from your children's point of view. If you must live in an abusive situation don't make your kids...send them off to live with a relative or something. Please.

((((Big Mama))))

[Big Mama]

Thanks you guys. I 've got a lot to deal with. I warned my new T this is the week, "THE WEEK" PMS makes me super sensitive and not a patient person. How cool it would be to be a B**** more often and not care. Not for hubby though. Thank yall again for listening. Sometimes I just need someone to hear me.

[Sannah]

Good luck with therapy and working through this and deciding what you are going to do. Keep us posted?