[Sunne]

I really am. T does not deserve the treatment I gave him, and now I'm worried I ruined the budding relationship.

Part of me is so scared of all of it, another part finds it fascinating, another part has more hope then ever before. Another part wants all of it to just SCREW OFF. I just figured that out today, and I hate hate hate it.

I'm so tired of my contradicting thoughts and emotions that change on a dime.

I have no idea how to properly express myself. I am horrible and deserve this to happen. I'm setting myself up for failure (or PART of me is). WHY.

[ECHOES]

Maybe you are learning how to express yourself.

Why not talk to T about your fear of ruining the relationship and about what has been happening. Maybe you have been frustrated or disappointed or something else that can be hard to express and can feel frightening.

[karebear1]

What exactly is it that you deserve to have happen to you?

I'm sure you're not any kind of horrible <blank> !!

If you felt you treated your T badly, apologise for it and I'm sure you can both then move forward. I think therapists are probably used to ruptures and repairs.. I've read that sometimes the relationship can even be stronger after working through something.

I feel like I have a lot of contradicting thoughts, too.. In my case I feel like it's reason vs emotion a lot of the time, or my adult self vs my inner 'wounded' child.. hopefully though, with therapy, the parts will integrate better with time and there won't be such a conflict.. Telling your T about how you have all these conflicting thoughts and ideas might be a good place to start a discussion?

Stick with it! I bet all is not lost

[kiki86]

I think therapists are probably used to ruptures and repairs.. I've read that sometimes the relationship can even be stronger after working through something.

i think this is very true. T's will push your buttons. so i think they expect you to explode or crack from time to time. i think you can fix things. isn't therapy all about how we deal with out relationships? well sometimes they fall apart. the great thing about therapy is that you get a chance to repair those cracks with someone who understands and doesn't judge.

[Sunne]

Originally Posted by karebear1

What exactly is it that you deserve to have happen to you?

Him leaving.

Originally Posted by Sunne

Him leaving.

I don't think your T will leave you. I'm sure he will want to work through this with you, figure it out.. Maybe it would help to write some of your thoughts down, make it easier to communicate how you're feeling if you're not sure what to tell him? All those scary feelings, everything. Let him know what's going on in your head...

[sunrise]

I like the idea of apologizing to him. Maybe he doesn't think what you did was so awful. Maybe he will accept your apology and the two of you will move on. It is a great experience to be able to apologize, have the apology accepted, and move on with the rift healed. I hope you will give it a try.

[Wren_]

That's probably one good reason you are in therapy to find out the why; and to help you work on all the different parts of you that you are expressing (which I think you did well in your post). Hopefully you will talk about all of this with your T; and apologise if you think it appropriate and can keep working together

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Sunne

T does not deserve the treatment I gave him, and now I'm worried I ruined the budding relationship.

Is there any part of this that might be your FEELING that you treated him badly, when in effect you were not out of line at all?

Could you explain a little bit about your bad treatment of him? If you're able to, I think you might hear that others have said/done the same things, and/or that T's are used to this kind of treatment.

I mean, unless you told him his kid was fugly or punched him in the face.

[Sunne]

Haha @ punching in face!

Thanks so much for the replies.

I sent him an email explaining and he wants me to keep emailing my thoughts to him. I'm having issues with attachment and pushed him away a bit.

He really doesn't see it being a big deal. I thought it was worse than it was.

I just have a hard time accepting his kindness. Because its pretty profound.

I obviously have dissociative issues and I'm just starting to work on it. It's confusing when your insides want different things.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I mean, unless you told him his kid was fugly or punched him in the face.

I don't know you, but I will bet you're not a "horrible <fill in the blank>"

The best advice to to let T know about all these contradicting thoughts...he might be able to help you sort thru them.