[adel34]

Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to give you guys a little update.
I had my third phone session with VMT therapist yesterday. I was kind of distant throughout the first half of it, said eventually that I should just go because I didn't have anything else to talk about, when in reality I was trying to hide an enormous amount of sadness and bad feelings I have about our ending. She persisted in figuring out what was wrong until I told her, and ended up crying for the rest of that session. It's only with her that I can do that. It continues to amaze me how nice and understanding she is. She was like,"Your feelings are important. If everytime we talk you need to tell me how upset you are about working with new people, and how much you wish we could keep working together than that's fine. If that's what you're thinking and feeling it's important." She kept emphasizing how she and I have worked through our own difficulties, (though at this point every chance I get I tell her how wonderful things are between us) and that she's not the only one who can maintain relationships and really stay with me. I told her that I feel she actually does what all therapists say they can do, but it seems few don't: she actually stays with you and can create and maintain a safe relationship. And she doesn't advertise it either. I had this other therapist a while back that kept talking every two minutes about how good she was at relationships. Turns out she was very abusive!
Anyway, I only have one more phone session with her after yesterday, either next week or the week after. And I'm really scared of actually saying goodbye. It just hurts so much still. And I wish I could accept it after all she's done to try to make things easy for me. She says she understands where I'm coming from, and "You are where you are and that's fine."
I decided to go ahead with the hour and a half away day program. I tried calling other agencies Friday afternoon and yesterday and they flat out don't want to talk to you without your medicade card, it's really sad and frustrating.
So today I called the intake coordinator first thing. I wanted to come in to get set up either tomorrow or Thursday. She called back at around lunch time saying this week she's busy but we set something up for next Monday. She e-mailed me a list of things I'll need to bring with me to my intake appointment. One of which is a psychiatric eval with my five axis diagnosis on it. I wasn't too worried about this. Though the psychiatrist who comes here I totally don't like, and he didn't actually do an eval when we met, I had had one done in February when I was trying to get state funded mental health services in my home state. The psychiatrist I had there is one I'd seen for a few years off and on, and it was great to reconnect with her. Since I've been in Chicago she's been good at answering e-mails and saying she'll talk to whoever she needs to talk to.
So I figured she could just send the eval that she'd done to the coordinator and then if I needed a new one or something the psychiatrist at this program could handle it.
Well she writes me back at around ten tonight saying that the program I'm going to seems nice, but that actually she's not comfortable being my psychiatrist any more because she hasn't seen me in so long and because I have a psychiatrist here. She said whether i like him or not he's mine now not her, and that I need to speak up if he's not doing his job. She said that if she were to do anything else it would feel like "enabling him" and not serving me well. She didn't come right out and say either way that she would or wouldn't send the eval. So I wrote back saying I understood about her not wanting to treat me any more. I wasn't asking her to evaluate me from across the country or manage my meds from far away. All I wanted her to do was send this paperwork so I could get started in the program as soon as possible. I told her how much I needed to get into this program, and that I truthfully had no idea when the psychiatrist here would come and I don't think he knows me well enough to write the kind of evaluation she would.
I said I'd really apreciate it if she would just send the paperwork and I wouldn't ask her for anything else.
She wrote back just saying that the intake coordinator, and any other clinician could contact her if they wanted as she'd said in her previous e-mail.
So I guess I'll have the intake coordinator give her a ring and see if she can get more out of her. I swear! She has a tendency over the time we've known each other to be inflexible at times, she just gets into these weird moods you know? But why today of all days? You don't know how hurt and angry, and honestly taken off guard I was by her response. I thought she really cared about me. If she did she would have just sent the paperwork without complicating things more for me, knowing what I've been going through.
Tomorrow I'll find my care advocate (the activities director who is usually very busy) and see if she can help me get together everything else I need for the intake appointment, and maybe get the psychiatrist in here in case he ends up needing to do an eval on me after all. Then again I just realized that she and the activity office have a group of high school kids coming to see where I live on Thursday, so they'll all probably be wicked busy with that. Probably better to just go to the different departments and get what I need myself. I just wish things were easier, and that certain people really cared instead of just pretending.

[CantExplain]

((Adel))