Trigger for some discussion of physical violence:



I just got a call from a cousin. So, my cousin ends up telling me stuff that my mom has been saying about me. Pretty much at my insistence that if he's going to listen to her, he should also listen to me. I am SO tired of hearing, 'oh I don't want to be stuck in the middle,' AFTER someone has listened to all of the bull my mother says about me, but BEFORE letting me address the lies.

So, my cousin and I end up in a long talk and has both of us weeping. My cousin lived with us for a while when I was little. His mom, my dad's sister, had died, and my parents had started adoption proceedings for him. My mom and he got in an argument about whether his sisters could come to our house to visit him, and my mom ended up slapping him really hard in the face and almost knocking him down. He ran away and my mom insisted that they would not adopt him. It's one of the few times I remember my dad trying to stand up to her and they had a huge screaming fight about it. Anyway, they didn't adopt him, and he got bumped around amongst his older siblings (he was about 9 at the time), ended up in trouble with the law, etc. He's had a tough life.

So, we have this long talk and I tell him what's really happening, and it turned out he had already guessed most of it. He says he thinks most of the family basically knows that my mom treats me like crap, but the consensus is I should just take it and not 'whine' because she's my mom. He did not know that she made me BUY my dad's truck. She is crying that guilted her into 'giving' it to me, and now I never call her now that I have what I wanted. I am 'keeping' her grandkids from her, etc. AND, she's letting this drug addict friend of theirs hunt in the pasture WITH MY HORSES LOOSE while I'm not at home.

Don't know why I'm sharing all this. There's no point. It was just about the fact that my mom is still lying about me, everyone in the family knows, no one cares, and not one person will defend me or be on my side. No one ****ing ever has my back, even other people who have been the victims of this woman. Not my cousin, not my sister. No one. I am making some progress in therapy, I think, in moving toward being able to let go a little and stop wanting it to be different. It is not going to change. I CAN let this go. I can. Right?

[pbutton]

You can let it go. You're a really strong person. Everyone here knows it. I have complete confidence that you will do anything that you decide you are going to do. You'll find a way to let it go. Keep working.

[bluemountains]

Is there any way possible that you can sell, and get as far away from her as possible? I know you are established as a lawyer, but can't you at least get a few miles away? She is so toxic for you, mkac! I am glad you keep your children away from her. I did the same with my father as much as possible, other than family reunions, and I don't regret it one bit. My children will never have to know firsthand or secondhand what a terrible monster he was.
Bluemountains

[Sannah]

Everything that you do, think, and feel is for a reason. You will be able to let this go once you work through it and figure out what the issues are that won't let you let it go now.

[granite1]

i know it is tough to let this kind of thing go.i am working on doing this with my farthers side of my family.you will be able to eventually let it go

[SallyBrown]

You CAN let it go. You really can.

I completely get your feeling about people who say they don't want to be stuck in the middle. They seem to forget that it's not exactly getting stuck in the middle if they don't know what they're in the middle of. I always hated that. I have no problem with someone hearing both sides and then saying, you know what, this really can't involve me. But yeah. I feel that.

One thing that strikes me that is true in so many families is that even people who have been subject to abuse from the same person do not always stand up for each other. That they are also victims and obviously have their own stuff getting in the way of dealing with things like healthy people is a factor, but it definitely doesn't excuse anything. What I find really sad about it is, every time they don't stand up for someone else, they are simultaneously not standing up for themselves.

But by trying to work through the other side of this, MKAC, you have your OWN back, which is more than any of your family members who condone this behavior can say. They don't have their own backs. But at least one person in your family is rooting for you, and that's you. Doesn't sound like anyone else can really say that. Every time they say, "She's your mother, so stop whining," they are saying, "Don't make me deal with your mother, I don't want to, and I'm going to put it on you because you are the easiest person to blame." What a f***ing miserable way to live.

Does it make you miserable too? Yes. And that is truly awful and unfair. But you will be the winner here. When you CAN let this roll off you, you will find yourself standing above and looking down at a group of people enmeshed in absurd, abusive, unhealthy behavior. It'll still hurt, but you won't be tied to it.

I also wonder about the physical proximity, though. She is still close enough to you to do things like let people hunt while your horses are loose. I do think it would help to be physically further away. But I also don't know anything about your reasons for being so close, so it's just a thought.

You have your own back. And there are a lot of people who aren't in your biological family who want you to succeed just as much as someone we're actually related to

Thanks everyone. Physical proximity is a huge issue. I have been pressuring my husband in a big bad way to help me get our finances in a position where we can move. I know everyone thinks attorneys are wealthy, but that is unfortunately not the situation, especially in this economy, and especially in light of how much time I took off of work to help take care of my dad and father in law. I have pretty much always made more money than my H because he is the WORST about collecting. At this point, we just HAVE to move.

Originally, we moved that close because my mother's mental illness was in remission and had been for several years, and my parents gave us land. I helped with errands and stuff around the farm, and my dad helped me with the horses and putting out hay, etc. Things went really well for about 14 years, until my little sister and her family moved in with my parents. For whatever reason, my mom seemed to lapse back into her old patterns of weirdness right after that.

The support here really means a lot. Thank you all.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thanks everyone. Physical proximity is a huge issue. I have been pressuring my husband in a big bad way to help me get our finances in a position where we can move. I know everyone thinks attorneys are wealthy, but that is unfortunately not the situation, especially in this economy, and especially in light of how much time I took off of work to help take care of my dad and father in law. I have pretty much always made more money than my H because he is the WORST about collecting. At this point, we just HAVE to move.

Originally, we moved that close because my mother's mental illness was in remission and had been for several years, and my parents gave us land. I helped with errands and stuff around the farm, and my dad helped me with the horses and putting out hay, etc. Things went really well for about 14 years, until my little sister and her family moved in with my parents. For whatever reason, my mom seemed to lapse back into her old patterns of weirdness right after that.

The support here really means a lot. Thank you all.

Well you surely get the support back because you give it ...often!

I am a big believer in moves. Somebody accused me of "pulling a geographic" when I moved far from my stressful job and life in the big city, but you know what? distance adds enchantment. MY family of origin is much more tolerable at a distance. Plus, new scenery and pals will add up to fun!

I do however want to share something. I have put rules in place regarding triangulation in my life. Now, when someone calls or comes into my office to talk about an absent third party, I generally ask:

Does xxx know we are having this conversation?

You'd be surprised at how many times troubling conversations just die on the vine when you ask this simple question.

People who say, I don't want to be in the middle of it are usually the first to blanch at this...and rarely "put" themselves in the middle of it, at least in front of me, again.

Just a thought...mostly, though I feel you on the wall. Mine is brick, on top of it!

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

He says he thinks most of the family basically knows that my mom treats me like crap, but the consensus is I should just take it and not 'whine' because she's my mom.

I never got this train of thought. I am under no way, as are you, OBLIGATED to someone because they gave birth to me. I had no choice in the matter and its not like they did anything for me out of anything other then obligation by the law, ie.. clothes, food, shelter and that was only sometimes. Sorry but we talked "Mommy" today in T and the idea that someone said that during the process of therapy I will learn to not hate my mother is crap. She was and is a terrible person and if I hadn't pulled away from her at 17, Lord only knows where Id be now. Just like I can never go back and get the mommy I wanted, there is no way in HELL i'm gonna give her the good daughter or in my case any daughter.

Think of it this way... If a person brings you more grief then happiness, how does that person fit into your best life?

MKAC ... you can make it through anything, you are a strong,intelligent, loving woman. My guess is you will do what's best for you in the long run, but don't let others tell you how that has to be, you are the expert on you. Is she more happiness or grief?

[stopdog]

Yes - you can let this go. I am sorry it is happening though.

[WikidPissah]

Erg. It pisses me off, big time. The whole "let it go" thing, crap. I have no idea how that could possibly happen. If I complain about my mother to any of my siblings I get the whole, "but she's really old and she's your mom so you need to forgive her." Seriously, I don't think so.

But I will probably grow to be a bitter old woman, so maybe don't listen to me.

Zac brown has a song called let it go... I like it