[Chopin99]

Well, T and I traded several emails related to her iPad. However, she somehow got her client calendar to start working again and that's all she really cared about. So...

I'm free!!!

Now to have a good 3-day weekend. Woot!

Although I probably need to have that talk about boundaries Tuesday.

[Wren_]

If the boundaries talk is something important to you, then yes

[Chopin99]

Yeah, I need to have a boundary talk. Let's see if I have the guts to have it Tuesday. I feel better when the boundaries are defined. You don't know how relieved I am that T fixed her own problem. Things that went through my head: "what if I screw up her iPad," "what if she doesn't follow my directions correctly and screws up her own iPad," "what if all the emails end up making her uncomfortable," "what if she regrets accepting my offer of help," "what if she feels she made another boundary mistake," etc.

I need my T to be my T. I realize that more and more all the time. She makes a great mother figure, but I need her in that room...not in my everyday life. Once a week I get to go to a safe place and I'm realizing that more and more.

[Perna]

She may surprise you and start the conversation herself. I remember when my T forgot her office keys and we had to go elsewhere to have our session and it was my bright ideas of where to go that came to the fore so she was following me; the next regular session she apologized for not taking the lead, said that was her job.

[AngelWolf3]

I hope that Tuesday goes well for you. The second post that you had in this thread would be a great place to start if you are having trouble! (I feel silly giving advice, I am sure you know already how to do it....sorry!)
I am glad that she fixed her own ipad and now you get to enjoy a 3-day weekend!!!! (lucky 3 day weekend! I am here at work right now! LOL)

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I need my T to be my T. I realize that more and more all the time. She makes a great mother figure, but I need her in that room...not in my everyday life. Once a week I get to go to a safe place and I'm realizing that more and more.

That is a wonderful realization! After many years in therapy, that is just now something I am learning also. Go us!

It has been dawning on me that the therapeutic relationship is a gift, despite its flaws and frustrations that it may bring sometimes.

[Chopin99]

I asked my H to list the ways I have made progress since starting this round of therapy. I started to doubt T a bit on this boundary issue, and I wanted feedback on my progress. H said:

1. I am much better accepting that I will not get everything I want.
2. I have stopped caring about what other people think about me.
3. I am much more confident.
4. I am better at setting boundaries with others.

A couple of people at work have mentioned the increase in confidence and that I don't depend on others as much to make decisions. My boss has noted a marked decrease in anxiety.

H also reiterated that he thinks I need someone with flexible boundaries because if she had boundaries that are set in stone, I would react badly, and probably would have already quit a long time ago. Then I wouldn't have made all this progress.

So I have proof that I have made significant progress with current T, despite the boundary issues. If someone had told me I would change as much as I have one year ago, I would have laughed at them.

I've decided to accept T's quirky boundaries because the harm is far outweighed by all the help she has given me. Who knows, she may have decided to have an unusual relationship with me because it is under those conditions that I make progress. Maybe I'll talk to her about that one day!

Yes I know this sounds different from my earlier post, but I do need T to be my T, but after sleeping on it for a night, the flexibility in boundaries is okay.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I need my T to be my T. I realize that more and more all the time. She makes a great mother figure, but I need her in that room...not in my everyday life. Once a week I get to go to a safe place and I'm realizing that more and more.

Oh man.... do I ever know exactly what you mean! My therapist is a little mushy with boundaries. In a lot of significant ways, that has been extremely beneficial to my therapy. But there have been times that she has relaxed them just a little too much. For example, coming into therapy preoccupied with something in her own life, and indulging in her own need to share it. I'm glad I haven't felt a transference desire for her to be my friend, because things like that, and other minor therapeutic missteps, would have played right into that. I'd have felt like she wanted me to be her friend, and then when that fantasy hit the rocks, I'd have been crushed!

Instinctively, I know when something is happening that's *danger*! Fortunately, she has always responded well to my sometimes inelegant ways of propping up a wobbly boundary that I need to be there. Sounds like you've got good instincts about it too, Chopin. A valuable thing my therapist has intentionally taught me, is: a) you must trust your own instincts about things, and b) your therapist must trust your instincts as well. She's always told me that she pays attention to what I'm unconsciously telling her about what I need.. to guide my therapy.

I think you might consider talking to her about it. She may not realize (or remember) how important it is for a client's therapeutic frame to be protected.. and it's really her job to do that.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

H also reiterated that he thinks I need someone with flexible boundaries because if she had boundaries that are set in stone, I would react badly, and probably would have already quit a long time ago. Then I wouldn't have made all this progress.

So I have proof that I have made significant progress with current T, despite the boundary issues. If someone had told me I would change as much as I have one year ago, I would have laughed at them.

I've decided to accept T's quirky boundaries because the harm is far outweighed by all the help she has given me. Who knows, she may have decided to have an unusual relationship with me because it is under those conditions that I make progress. Maybe I'll talk to her about that one day!

Yes I know this sounds different from my earlier post, but I do need T to be my T, but after sleeping on it for a night, the flexibility in boundaries is okay.

omg! That's exactly how I feel! I hadn't read the post you made at 9am when I was writing mine!

I am absolutely certain that if my therapist was rigid, I would have crashed and burned early on and would have never made the progress I've made. My therapist and I have very different - almost opposite - approaches to life. Her boundaries being mushy at the edges is part of the whole package, I guess. I've learned to adapt to it. I'm just so profoundly grateful that she started our therapy by repeatedly telling me during the first few months that she needed me to tell her if there was anything about our relationship that was becoming a problem for me - emphasizing that we will work it out together. I've found her to be faithful to that promise, and that is what opened the door to my ability to trust in this relationship, and that's how attachment sneaked in past my army of guards .

When I first started seeing her, I thought my ability to feel any emotion besides pain had been gutted. In order to cope, I dissociated and lived in a vacuum where I never felt emotion at all. I was the walking dead. I just felt nothing. For a few years. But within that room, she coaxed this relationship - and along with (and maybe because of) her boundaries that are mushy at the edges, I learned to trust, and I became attached to her... the first time I've been securely attached in my life. That breathed life into me that I had no idea would ever be possible. Maybe that's why I'm so absolutely passionate about wanting her to be NOTHING but my therapist. I've also wondered if part of why her boundaries are mushy at the edges is because she would very much be attracted to me as a friend if she met me in real life. She really does seem to be very, very fond of me. She thinks very highly of me.. and her 'care' runs very deep. Although we are very different, and maybe because we are so very different, she sees everything marvelous about me. It's gotten funny to me how when I'm at my most self-critical.. if I go in and have the most well-constructed argument for why I'm not worth anyone's trouble, it's always right there - her counter-arguments that leave me speechless.

Anyway, sorry Chopin.. I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there, but it's so amazing to me to read about someone else who has a therapist with mushy boundaries and has found it to be paradoxically crucial to therapeutic success.

Chopin, I think it's awesome that your H would notice things like that, and that you can discuss it with him. It seems as if you are really feeling better about your r/s with the T as well.

[unaluna]

many good posts and observations here. when you've grown up being your OWN parent, you're not going to turn the job over to just anyone. it's going to take some negotiation - the "flexible" boundaries allow a space for that growth to happen.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

many good posts and observations here. when you've grown up being your OWN parent, you're not going to turn the job over to just anyone. it's going to take some negotiation - the "flexible" boundaries allow a space for that growth to happen.

Good point. I know IRL, boundaries have to be flexible. T has described boundaries as "fences with gates". I had a tendency to vacillate between having no fences at all and having fortress walls with a moat.

Another thought that came to mind when I read this thread is if i"m remembering correctly, you offered to help fix her IPad. Boundaries are a 2 way street. Now that you know you don't like how it felt to be this involved in your t's software issues than you know not to offer.

Its great to want others to respect your boundaries and its brave to say that to others but its very hard to change our own behaviors to respect our own newly found boundaries.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Another thought that came to mind when I read this thread is if i"m remembering correctly, you offered to help fix her IPad. Boundaries are a 2 way street. Now that you know you don't like how it felt to be this involved in your t's software issues than you know not to offer.

Its great to want others to respect your boundaries and its brave to say that to others but its very hard to change our own behaviors to respect our own newly found boundaries.

Very good point!! From now on, I can refer her to other sources of help and can avoid the discomfort I experienced through this. Thanks!