I gave into my team. I shed tears, but I acted like I enjoyed what they were doing to me and they smiled. They had their way. I had to keep "rubbing my eyes from allergies" when really I was wiping away tears. I can't keep fighting. I don't know what else to do. Then to manipulate them and play them like a fine harp. I tried to go about it the honest way. I really did. But I fought and fought. For the last year now. So now I'm playing them and it feels so dirty to me. It makes me want to cry. I did cry. It reminds me of being a child and having to manipulate adults so that I wouldn't end up being harmed more. It makes me sick inside. It reminds me of being in that cult again and having to manipulate them so they won't keep hurting me. And just like always before it's because there is no other way out of the abuse. Because I was a child. Because I have a mental illness. They smiled and cheered and I nervously spoke about how wonderful I thought their plans were. I can't fight them anymore. They won't listen to me anyway. I tried just shutting up, but they kept fighting me. So in order to get out I have to lie and cheat and manipulate. I feel so dirty. So, so dirty.

I don't understand why you keep trying to work with these people instead of going somewhere else for treatment. Did you say why somewhere else and I missed it? I know I keep asking this same question, but I just don't get it. Is this court ordered treatment and you have no choice? If not, please please consider changing so you feel like you have control and input!

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I don't understand why you keep trying to work with these people instead of going somewhere else for treatment. Did you say why somewhere else and I missed it? I know I keep asking this same question, but I just don't get it. Is this court ordered treatment and you have no choice? If not, please please consider changing so you feel like you have control and input!

I can't. If I tried to leave I would/could be court committed. If I also tried to leave they told me that no other caseworkers would take me because I'm too sick. And if I lost services altogether I could end up homeless, because I am under shelter plus care. The only way I can get out of their services is to play well, and do what they tell me to. Even if I don't agree with it. That includes seeing therapists who aren't licensed. And neglecting my trauma work totally. Although they think they're handling it fine. Although they have no training whatsoever, they ordered a workbook and are dealing with my trauma that way. The doctor is also really good, but I agreed he wasn't worth this. He doesn't have much say in the team at all. He's very quiet and is only there one day a week.

[CantExplain]

((Lydia))

[stopdog]

I advise my court committed clients to just play the game, nod, agree, take the meds so they can get out. I tell them it is not selling out, it is realizing the hospital is not their ballpark or game or rules and the game is rigged. And then I advise them once they do get out to leave the state to get out of the system if the system is not where they want to be.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I advise my court committed clients to just play the game, nod, agree, take the meds so they can get out. I tell them it is not selling out, it is realizing the hospital is not their ballpark or game or rules and the game is rigged. And then I advise them once they do get out to leave the state to get out of the system if the system is not where they want to be.

This is so sad, but this is exactly what I am finding out. It's not what I wanted to find out. The game is completely rigged. I have been told for years how "sick" I am. But my only diagnoses are PTSD and DID, confirmed by specialists. When my team heard that what I have is treatable, that's when things started getting really bad. They don't want to see me better. That's not their plan at all. That was never their plan.

Again I trusted people and again I let myself be hurt. Why do I always do this to myself?

I think I'm more sad because of the other 29 people on their case. What happens to them? I'll eventually manipulate my way out. But they won't.

[adel34]

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with these awful people!
Have you ever heard of the mental health peer support movement? It's principles are that anyone no matter their diagnosis can recover with the right support. It's very empowerment based. I'm wondering if you can find a "recovery learning community" as it's called in MA, but has other names in your area. There you could connect with a peer specialist who could advocate with you on what it is you want. Just an idea.