my t...pros vs cons

but it's really funny to hear her pronounce dipshit. I get what you are saying. I am usually the brunt of my own jokes.
I had to go back and look. Those are minimal expectations you think? wow. I have had such horrific t's before, this guy seems perfect in comparison. I think the biggest pro would be that he speaks to me as an equal. With my anxiety and speech problems most people don't see my intelligence. That means a lot to me. And that he already knows the history. Who wants to do that again? You are right, I can try someone else and then go back if it doesn't work. I have this habit of thinking of things as absolute.
The anxiety is the whole shabang. Its debilitating. So yea, more tools needed, quickly.

Of all the cons, this is the one that seemed really important to me. It seems like there is not much use in staying with someone who cannot help you further. How are you going to ascertain whether he does or doesn't have the skills? Will you discuss this question with him, tell him your doubts, ask if he thinks he can help and if so how? If you can answer this question without discussing it with him, then great. It seems like this might be key to deciding whether to terminate.

The fact that he has no other ideas on how to help with anxiety besides meds does suggest you have reached the limits of his ability to help with that problem. One of the psych classes I took a couple of years back was taught by a clinical psychologist who specialized in anxiety disorders. She had all sorts of methods to help! She mentioned that some of her clients were on meds, some not. She just really worked in a goal-oriented way and targeted way on the anxiety. She also mentioned that for a person to learn to surmount their anxiety, being on meds can actually impede that. That said, you referred to your anxiety as "debilitating" and "the whole shebang". That does sound like very strong anxiety, and maybe meds + targeted anxiety therapy would be a step that would help give enough relief that you would then be able to manage the anxiety well enough to continue with therapy without meds. Yes, your T may believe meds will help you, but the fact that that is all he says when you mention you are very anxious is worrisome. It's like he is using the meds as an excuse not to try anything else.

I am not sure on the porn question. You said he may have a porn issue. Many people watch porn but it is not an issue for them--they function quite well in all aspects of their lives. So is it that you know he watches porn or is it that you know he has an issue with it (e.g. is addicted)?

FWIW, I terminated with my first T because I had reached the limit of her ability to help me. She wasn't that skilled and had just a few tools. That was enough at first and she did help me with some things. But then I needed to go further and she wasn't able. There is nothing wrong with outgrowing your T.

Good luck with your decision, WP. I think it would be helpful to tell him you are contemplating leaving because you aren't sure staying in therapy with him would be helpful. Maybe he can lay out a plan or put forth some new ideas if he knows you are dissatisfied.

On the pros vs the cons the cons would outweigh the pros if it were me. But that's me not you.

Why specifically does he bring up the meds for anxiety? Is your anxiety getting in the way of something for you? If so can T give you some tools for coping with anxiety? Have you considered going on meds for anxiety just to try it out? If you don't like the meds you can always go off of them. My husband went on and off of meds for anxiety 3x before deciding he needed them to function. And he wont go to therapy to learn ways to cope :-(

Thanks so much sunrise, your well-thought response gives me a lot of food for thought. I quoted the porn part because I wanted to clarify for everyone, not just you.

I know he had porn contacts in his email. Quite a few. I don't know the extent or frequency of course. I realize a lot of men view porn, and this was a rather unfortunate occurrence for him, he lost several clients because of it. My issue is in the "knowing" he view(s)(ed) porn. It's icky to know that about t. Especially with the csa issues, especially with the breast cancer. It's a bell that cannot be unrung.

thanks geez. My anxiety is EXTREME, to put it mildly. It prohibits me from doing just about everything. I was on anxiety meds (and other psych meds) for years and it took a heck of a lot to withdraw from them all. Months in fact. They are toxic. I will not take them again. The trade off is not worth it for me. (no offense to anyone who chooses to take them)

If something is an issue for me, then it is an issue whether it would be for someone else or not. Porn is just as legitimate a thing to bother a client as furniture, or clothes, or accent or gender or whatever, in my opinion.

Why would someone have porn email contacts? I'd understand favorited porn web sites, but why email? Are you sure that wasn't part of the virus that attacked his email account?

Oh, and the best anxiety advice I've ever gotten is - whatever is scary, do it anyway.

If it prohibits you from doing just about everything then what is there to lose by trying? Not sure what the issue was before when you were on the meds but now a days the drugs are different and effective but nothing is 100%. It definitely takes the edge off.

Thanks for clarifying. I understand now that the porn is an issue for you, not necessarily your T. I would feel kind of yucky if I knew my T was into porn so it would probably be an issue for me too. I hope I don't find that kind of thing out about him. When I was working on my marriage in therapy, I remember thinking about T's own marriage, which had ended a few years before I began therapy. I hoped he hadn't been involved in extramarital affairs (as my XH was). I would have felt awful about that because my own belief is that if you're married you don't have additional partners, and if you want more partners, then you should get out of the marriage before sleeping with others. If T had been cheating on his wife, I did not want to know! It would so go against the honest T that I know (or think I know). It might have been a deal breaker for me. So I understand about how a T's behavior can raise a client's own issues.

You mentioned your T lost several clients because of the porn emails. It seems to be standing between the two of you too. Have you ever talked to him about it? Would it help to process it or only make things worse?

Thanks stopdog.
Thanks pbutton. Certain sites give email access. I know that the contact list was genuine, not infected. There's a difference.
The loss is literally decades off my life. I was on meds for 7 years, up until about 4 mos ago. That is how the whole med conversation started. Off meds I am loosing weight, thinking clearly, no longer suididal, and have better impulse control. Yep, the anxiety is over the top...but I need time for my body to get used to itself again, and I need skills to deal with the anxiety.
If I was better at this whole therapy thing that would be perfect. However I barely speak and stumble and stutter all over the place. I can't bring myself to say it or email about it. I had convinced myself that I had let it go, but it was right there when I started listing reasons to terminate. I know that it isn't something I can speak about, not right now anyways.

((((((WP))))))

Wow, I SO get how hard it is to be in a place of wondering if you should leave a T you feel connected to and safe with.

Just from reading what you wrote, it sounds like you really need someone who can help you learn to manage your anxiety. If your T's only tool is "take meds" and you tried that and decided that it wasn't for you, then you need some other things you can try.

For me, when I was seeing T regularly, it was SO HARD to pull myself away. I loved him, and we had worked so well together for so long. And, honestly, I guess I ended up only "sort of" quitting...he has been there through the process of my son having surgery, and I've seen him 2 times in the six weeks since I quit. For me, stepping away from the intensity of the relationship was super hard, but allowed me to see what it really is that I need (which, for me, seems to be occasional emotional support, since I felt done with the hard-core trauma stuff). I think when we're in it, it's just really hard sometimes to get perspective on what it is we really need.

Aren't you doing a intensive (residential?) program soon? Will you see T during that? I wonder if that will help clarify things for you.

It's hard to be in a place of "not knowing"!

Thanks so much nightsky, your post brought me to tears. I did do well when I took a month off, but needed to comply with the residential guidelines of having t for at least 3 weekly sessions (I actually did 4). One of the 4 was very good.
I should be going residential next week (fingers crossed) for two-three weeks and I won't see t at all during that time.

I think what I am realizing is that it is very hard for me to imagine another t giving a crap about me. It seems so strange to me that this one actually cares and likes me as a person...I can tell. No one else is going to see past my stuttering to give a s h i t...I just know it.

To address your original post, Wiki, I too would be frustrated with the cons you list -- although none of them are insurmountable. I suppose for me, if there was no way to talk/work through them I'd seriously consider leaving. The porn thing wouldn't be as triggering to me, but I think I'd need to talk through it, much as I wouldn't want to. And the always being late... I don't know, there's something immature about being consistently late AND not taking that as a sign that he needs to start sessions later.

But to address the core issue you you bring up here... I know you probably have very deep-seated feelings that no one is going to see you past your stutter. And I am sure those feelings come from very real experiences. It's not true, though.

In the lab I used to work in, I mentored a student with a stutter who went on to join the lab and become a good friend. He was also from another country, so the accent plus the stutter could make communication go slower. But I put in a really good word for him to my boss, because he was one of the smartest students I had encountered in a while. And there's nothing special about me, just that I was looking at this guy's brain and working personality, not any of his physical attributes, including his speech. Although I will say that having a disabled sibling with significant speech issues (not a stutter, different difficulties) probably makes me biased in favor of what people say, rather than how they physically form the words. Still, my friend became one of the more popular people in the lab and one of the favored students, because he's smart, kind, and funny.

There are people -- including therapists -- out there who will see past your stutter. And although I'm not sure from the way you say it, I am hoping that it is not the case that somewhere inside you really think a therapist should ignore you because of it -- because I really really hope that you believe through and through that you deserve to be heard.

You'll find a T who realizes that our girl's wicked smaht. (Or shahp, if you like, which my Nana from Eastie favored.) Don't let that thought bog you down.

Wikid -

Those pros are undeniable "can't lose this one" pros, and those cons are hanging on the edge of deal-breakers. What a tough decision you've got!

Only thing I can think of, is that isn't the break would be temporary? If I'm right in my memory about that - then maybe you could look at the cons as a push in the direction of giving the program a chance - and maybe you'll find out by having to deal with a different therapist - whether the pros are enough, or whether the cons are too much. It'll give you another perspective. And maybe you'll come out of it with a firm desire to find another therapist, or a firm mind about the one you have being the one for you.

I SO hope your experience in the residential program helps you see that this isn't true. I SO get that it feels true...I feel that way for other reasons...and I had to experience opening up to other people, letting them see the "real" me and still being loved and accepted before I could even imagine anyone besides T loving me just how I am.

Shout out to Easties...woot. Thank you Sally. It's something that I used to be able to manage quite well in the professional world, but is overwhelming at this point in my life. I know it's the initial speaking that I need to get past.
I will be on a temp break for two weeks, but my thoughts at this point are not returning to t, as heartbreaking as that feels right now. I've had one session since April that did not feel frustrating. My only peace were the weeks I took away from him in June.

Thanks for helping me focus folks. I did email another T, and he responded (quickly), and I may set something up for when I come back. I most likely am going to interview a few t's and try to find one that specializes in anxiety.

I was up most of the night thinking about this, and things that I really feel blocked from discussing with current t. I started with this t in Aug 2010, and was dx'd with breast cancer in Nov 2010. 2011 was easily a year of hell, yet we barely discussed it. I may need to see a woman (yikes) to talk that thru with. I don't think I could ever talk about this experience with a man. Given the fact that women really intimidate me, this is a big challenge.

Wiki... I understand that challenge.. i feel the same way about body image issues. I picked a man T because between the 2 necessary evils. the man seemed lessor. Do you know whether the residential therapists are male or female? this might be a good opportunity to see if seeing a female would make a difference.

Also if my memory is correct though, I thought I remember you saying that you had some body image issues related to CSA. I don't remember if your abuser was a male or female... but it might be an interesting perspective to talk through some of that with the same sex as your abuser... (sorry if my memory has failed me).

Hey Ready....

You have a good memory. Everyone at residential is female. So, it will be a bit different for me. The csa stuff was mostly male. My only references of being close to/cared for by a person are my brother and H...so men feel safer. I am 47 and have never had a close female friend or relative.

I think this explanation is super valid!