my t...pros vs cons

I have created this list because I really need to make a decision about t. I am going to talk to the t in the residential program about it, but you all have such great ideas...is there anything else I should consider? There is a question in the back of my mind as to whether or not I am trying to run away from the connection I feel with him. No, I haven't discussed this list with him yet.

Pros: He ALWAYS responds, thru email/phonecall/text. He sees past the stutter and thinks I am intelligent. He knows my very complicated history. He makes me laugh sometimes. He treats me as an equal. He is quick to admit when he's wrong. He thinks my standing dx is bs. His voice calms me down when I am in crisis. I feel somewhat safe with him. He normalizes things for me. He doesn't over emphasize my abuse history. He has never pushed me to disclose details. He has given me his personal phone #/email to use if I am in crisis. We kind of have a bond. I have been with him for 2 yrs. I have gotten better. I like him well enough. He doesn't push me to speak.

Cons: He thinks I need medication for anxiety (HUGE, HUGE problem). He often is stubborn. He is always late. He's a bit unorganized (really bugs me). He doesn't have that many tricks up his sleeve. He doesn't follow thru with a proposed treatment plan. I *think* he has a porn issue. I am not sure if he has the skill to help me further. He didn't support my decision to go off of meds. He doesn't push me to speak.

for me those cons out weight the pro's but i'm not you of course. i feel like you could probably find a t who does all the good things but who is also on time, organised, follows through and doesn't have a porn problem. and who doesn't want you on meds and who challenges you....those are not big expectations in my opinion.

How about roll over? Does he make you roll over?

Kidding aside, it's your list. Only you can decide if you want to work with someone or not. It would not occur to me to make such a list as I do not think one can "list" people, like one can situations or decisions/choices. Relationships with people are about feelings, not pros and cons?

It is your therapy; your T can't make you talk and that's not his job. Your T cannot decide for you whether you should take meds or not, he can only make up his own mind and give you his opinion, which might include that he does not want to work with you if you do not take meds; that's his choice. But if you do not want a T with their own perspective, expertise, ideas, personality, just someone who says and does things that you agree with, I wish you luck finding such a person or it being very beneficial to you if you do. As the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert".

wow wiki that is a well thought out list.i think the cons you listed are some serious cons .i would maybe ask myself are these cons something i feel i can either live with or work through with this T.what would you be running away from?

just wondering how long have you been seeing this T ?are you able to see him when you are in this day program,if not could this be ware there thoughts are comming from.

awsome work wiki,i like lists

WikiP you think your T has a porn issue? How would you know?

ouch. that was so unfair.

I value his opinions, perspective, expertise, ideas, and personality. But I decided back in April that I wasn't going to take meds, yet he continues to bring it up. If it's a deal breaker for him then he needs to say that, he hasn't. He agrees with my decision one week, and then the next week brings up meds again.

Also..."making me talk" I know he can't make me do anything. I appreciate the fact that he doesn't push too hard in that direction. I also wonder if he should push a little more. It's a pro and a con.

Wiki,
I think your list is a good way to let yourself look at the situation more objectively.
Can you just call him on the med thing? Tell him his back and forth on the med thing is really affecting your therapy?

Thanks granite...at least you get the speaking thing...I have been with him 2 years. I am really not sure about the "running away" thing, I just know it's always a possibility.
I won't see him for the two weeks I am in residential.

Early on in treatment his email went rogue and sent me his contact list. I didn't take much time to look at it, I deleted it quickly because it freaked me out, so I am not absolute in my thoughts surrounding it. But that still lingers, and since I have a history of sa it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I don't want you to "ouch"

He's doing what he thinks is best as a T and when he brings up the meds issue, you have to say, "I don't wish to discuss that anymore, I have made my decision and would like to talk about X instead". But second guessing him, wondering if he should do x, y, or z differently, like I realized when I got in a psychology subject debate with my T who has a PhD in the subject. . . oops; who has the degree/knowledge and who am I hiring to have that degree/knowledge?

I let my T do/say whatever they want to do/say. I take it into consideration, tell T what I think/feel. If T keeps bringing up subjects that "bother" me, I think harder on them; they've done this before and have more experience with the therapy thing than I have and think it is that important.

That you are considering changing T's and talking to us but not your T about these issues you see; how can T improve/work better with you if you are not discussing these things thoroughly with him? How can you understand why he seems to be late all the time (my T got to losing my checks every week for awhile; that was fun to discuss, NOT; but my listening and understanding made our relationship that much closer, my T turned out to be human, who knew! :-)

Thanks Kiki.

This is going to be very difficult for me to decide because I do like him and he has helped. I just need to get back to my life, and we've been at a stand off for some time now.

Wikid, is thinking he has a porn issue related to the creepy thing you found out early on? Did you get an errant text also? Or am I misremembering?

Anyway. If he keeps his porn issue out of your therapy , is he someone you want to work with? Have you tried telling him that he simply MAY NOT discuss medications with you anymore? He may be revisiting that issue out of care and concern for you.

ETA: Oh, my post and yours above must have crossed. Thanks for clarifying.

Also edited to correct the name. I should not post before my morning coffee. Sorry. I KNEW who I was talking to but had just read Perna's post before adding mine. Sorry, Wikid!

Thanks Perna. I have told him...over and over again...that I don't want to talk meds. But every time I bring up my anxiety the response I get is "you can always try medication again". It does get frustrating to spend 15 minutes every week re-explaining my issue with meds. Not to mention that he himself agrees that I am more verbal and together off of them.

I haven't discussed THIS list with t, I have discussed most of the issues in it though...except the porn, that one I just can't bring up.

I raised it here to see if anyone had thoughts of things I wasn't looking at.

I appreciate you Perna, especially when you challenge me to think, as you have done here.

Why do you feel that you need to re-explain every time?

The things that would bother me most are him not following through and always being late (this might be just my thing).
But consistency is essential for therapy progress- I see he can be pretty consistent with meds so why can't he be the same with proposed/agreed treatment?
You like him, he had help you so I would talk to him if I were you- skip the porn thing if you really can't bring yourself to raise it but give him the list.
He could change to some degree accommodating your needs- I think a good T should be able to do that for his clients.
So yes, I would stick with him providing you two at least discuss the cons and he tries to do stg about them.

I'd not have to much faith in what you have said here about your T. Anxiety meds dont actually cure the underlying feelings creating the anxiety, they just make the body difficult to move, sluggish. Continued talking the anxiety out is the most effective cure. Find a more able T.

Because he always comes back to it. General convo:
Wiki: The anxiety is overwhelming at times
T: Well, you can always try different medication
Wiki: After everything I've been thru the past few mos? You know I don't want to take medications.
T: but it can be different this time, maybe a new prescriber would help.
Wiki: I like Dr. F. I don't want to talk about medication again. I want to be able to manage the anxiety on my own.
T: I know you don't want to take medication, but a different medication may work for you.
Wiki: arg...wtf? No. I am not going back on meds.

It isn't like I didn't give medication a chance...I did, 7 yrs. worth. I became dumb, fat and sleepy.
Thanks anilam

Thanks MKAC!!! I am from a big family, I answer to anything almost. My iphone calls me dip ****. I didn't get an errant text, just several emails more than a year ago.

Thanks earthmamma...that's concrete. I am so busy looking up stuff and reading books on managing anxiety, but I don't get much info from him on it.

In my experience it was when I took myself seriously and quit belittling myself that I started to feel my power and self-worth and lots of the anxiety went away because it didn't "fit" anymore. My middle name was "Danaher" and I use to call myself "Damnither". It's not really cute/funny? If you don't respect yourself, why should the things that make you anxious?

In the list of pros and cons - are any of them more valuable than others? For me, the not listening to the med thing would make me nuts and be a huge con, but porn, as long as he was not showing it to me, would not bother me at all. The meds are huge for me, not so much over meds, but because of not listening to me. The pro column seems to me to be sort of the minimum of what I expect from one of them. Do any of the pros stand out for you? Could you take a break from him and try another for a couple of months? I have found they are usually willing to see people again after breaks. Some even encourage trying a different person to see if it is more effective.

If anxiety is a major problem and his only solution is meds, maybe you do need a T with a larger tool box? I worked through my anxiety and now it is gone.