[mswinter]

I would like to thank every person who replied to my previous thread, "The fat lady." Your insights and support have carried me through the past two weeks.

I'm here again today, asking for support or for anything you can give.

Two weeks ago, I talked with my T about Yalom's chapter, "The Fat Lady." I showed anger for the first time and opened up more than I ever did about my childhood and my feelings of worthlessness. At the very end of that session, my T. asked me, "What happened to that little girl?" and asked me to think about his question and give him an answer the following session. For the very first time since I had started seeing him, (about 4 months), I believed that maybe he cared and that maybe he did want to know about my life and the things that had hurt me.

I went to my session two days ago unsure of whether or not I could give words to what I never thought I could voice. My T. immediately asked me about the question, "What happened to that little girl?" and we started to talk. I was still resistant; I felt so much pain throughout the session, I longed to run away and yet hoped for closeness with another human being. I allowed myself to hope.

I felt inarticulate; words failed me, the present became blurred with the past... and after a while, he asked me again, "Do you want to tell me what happened?" I was so scared and I asked him, "What happens to people after they say something they have never said before." My T. responded, "Sometimes it's good to say something you have never told before." I looked him in the eyes for the first time during the session and asked again, with a broken voice, "And what happens to people after?" He replied, "Nothing happens." And then somehow, I said it. I didn't use the word, "rape," or "sexual abuse," or "molestation." I couldn't, but I said, "My uncle did things to me," and my T. understood what I was referring to (which, of course, was obvious).

After saying the words out loud for the first time in my life, I called deep on my courage and looked my T. in the eyes. My T. blinked and looked away. He said, "I thought something like that might have happened." He then looked at his watch and said, "We have to end now." He opened his planner and said, "My apologies, I have to change your day next week, can we meet...." I don't know what day and time he said; the room was spinning, my hands were sweaty and shaking. I could not register anything he was saying; I walked to the door and tried to open it. I couldn't and I heard myself say, with a calm and detached tone (as if someone else was speaking), "Your door is locked." My T. got up and opened the door, which was not locked. I simply didn't have enough strength to open it. I had used all of my courage and strength... I had nothing left, not even to turn a door knob.

I was so hurt. I have read many of your experiences on this forum and one of the most powerful seems to be looking into your T's eyes after reveling something painful and meeting his or her eyes filled with unconditional support and care. I wanted to experience this too, but he looked away. He then ended the session and moved on to talk about switching day next week, as if nothing at all had happened.

Although I was his last patient, I don't blame him for ending the session. My time was up. I just wish he could have warned me about the time, and I wish he could have showed some small regard for the fact that I had just shared with him something I had never shared with anyone else. I'm a social worker and I would never treat any of my clients the way he treated me. I did not matter to him. He looked away. He simply could not have cared less.

I walked home in a daze. It was raining and it didn't matter; the rain drops fell on me and slid away. At some point, I felt my knees starting to give away. I leaned against something and tears ran down my face and mixed with the rain. I felt more alone, unlovable and uncared for than ever before.

Thank you for listening.

[CantExplain]

((MsWinter))

You were very brave! Well done.

You were very upset when you left. Is it possible that you were so sure T would reject you that you didn't see his real reaction? That can happen sometimes.

Good luck!

[InTherapy]

I really do not know what to say. I just want to tell you that we are here for you.

Mswinter, by no means would I describe you as inarticulate! Your post had me in tears, that therapist of yours is very insensitive! I wouldwrite him and email telling him how hard it was for you to tell someone that and that it was the first time you had ever told anyone! You appreciate that your time was up but he could have looked you in the eye and at least pretended to care! Don't be put off by his reaction to this most t s are brilliant, my own t was amazing when I told her, she could not have been nicer and more kind and compassionate! She looked me in the eye and said it was ok and I was safe there with her and I could tell her anything! After the session she told me to look after myself, and meet with friends later and spoil myself, have a nice long bath and buy myself something nice:-):-) your t was very negligent and inconsiderate! I just hope you are ok???? I will be thinking of you and if you xlnt to talk I am here:-)

I think when we are talking about very emotive issues, it's very difficult. I think it was unfortunate timing. That what was said was said right at the end of your session. But perhaps also it felt a little safer for it to happen that way, we can be overwhelmed ourselves. I'm sure your T will continue with this in your next session.

((((((((mswinter))))))))

Wow. It was SO brave of you to speak those words. Reading your post took my breath away. I know how hard and scary it is, and you did it.

I'm so sorry about T's reaction. I do agree with CantExplain that sometimes when I felt sure that T would be disgusted by my story and by me, it was so easy to read that in his actions. It caused quite a few ruptures...it was so hard for me to tell the difference between what I was feeling and expecting from what was really happening. I think we get very hyper-aware and hyper-vigilant in those moments.

You're right about the eye contact, though. My T used to make me look into his eyes after I would tell hard parts of his story so I could see that I was okay, and that we were still connected. It helped.

I actually remember the first session when the word "r*pe" was used. I remember everything spinning and the world falling way. I know I said "I think I'm going to pass out". It seems like it was very close to the end of session, and I don't remember T's reaction, but I do remember leaving feeling really unsure about what T thought of me, and feeling ashamed about what had been shared. And I definitely remember that the NEXT session was a horrible one. It was so bad that I thought T was trying to push me out of therapy. I wrote him a letter over the next weekend and brought it to my next session and tearfully told him how I felt (it was the first time I cried in therapy). T told me that he had just come from a meeting, and that he wasn't being a good therapist. He told me "I was a bad therapist that session, and I'm sorry". And we continued for years, and he was a really GOOD therapist.

Hang in there. You SO deserved a better reaction and more support...and T's reaction this time doesn't mean that it won't get better. Hopefully he was just having an off day (with HORRIBLE timing) and will be able to give you what you need and deserve next time you see him.

You were really, REALLY brave.

[WikidPissah]

((mswinter)) You are so brave. I personally know how very difficult that is. I am so sorry that he didn't act as you had envisioned. I have never looked my t in the eyes, so I don't know where he has looked, but just thinking of him looking away crushes me.

You deserved a response. I am sorry that you didn't get it.

[Eliza Jane]

I'm so sorry that you had this experience with T. There are ways to end a session relatively on time and make sure the client is safe to leave, etc. For example, when I feel shaken at the end of a session, my T usually says something like, "We have to end soon, but what else do you need from me today?". That approach wouldn't work for everyone, but it is often just what I need to hear and I can ask her for a hug, some reassurance, or some centering.

I also disagree with his idea that "nothing" happens when you speak something unspoken and upsetting. I think sharing those things has the potential to be freeing. You can see that even in spite of speaking whatever the world doesn't fall apart (perhaps what he was trying to say) and that you are still a lovable person.

Even if you didn't feel acceptance from him, I hope you can feel it from us. We are about you and hope you can experience some healing of your pain.

Best,
EJ

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think it took a lot of courage to share and I am sorry your T was not able to offer more support. I am not sure how long you have been seeing your T - do you know if he has any trauma training?

[pbutton]

The very first time I ever said "My uncle molested me." in session ( Actually - pause for a sec - This was after a ridiculous stream of talking around it and continuous talking and talking about how I couldn't say it out loud, wow isn't that weird, I didn't know I there were sentences that I really couldn't say, isn't this so strange, and about 5 minutes of more chatter just like this nonsense you've been reading).

Anyhow, the first time I said that sentence out loud in therapy was the SAME damn session where T later told me we had to start working on termination because he had to drop his case load. Awesome timing. I couldn't even really tell this story until today.

I brought up the timing a few sessions later and T got really choked up. So, don't discount your T yet, something else could still happen. Tell him how you felt about his reaction.

You are SO brave. Good for you for getting it out there. I am sorry that the session went this way. I hope that you can return and discuss it with him.

As an aside, my husband will look aside sometimes and NOT make eye contact in an effort to allow the other person some privacy. Maybe you T has some similar attitude?

You were so brave. I am so, so sorry that the session ended badly. Do you think you an talk to your t about this?

[Sannah]

You did great work MsWinter. I'm really sorry that you didn't get the support that you needed. I do hope that you talk about this with T?

[Crescent Moon]

mswinter -

your story pains me so much. I cannot imagine my therapist ever being able to do what he did. It's almost unspeakable.. he knew he was hearing a catastrophic revelation.. one he specifically invited.. and I can't believe he just emotionally turned his back on you in that moment.

I'd have to write him.. and say "know what happened to that 'little girl' the other day? She was left, standing on the doorstep, holding her pain, all alone."

What a colossal breach.

[bluemountains]

Hi Mswinter,
I read your post this morning, but I was on my phone, and it is tough for me to reply. I want to offer my support because I know how hard it was for you to disclose your secrets to your t. My t is the only person who knows the details of my csa, and that includes my husband of 23 years. I cannot think of any good reason that a t would dismiss you so abruptly. My heart goes out to you.
Bluemountains

[critterlady]

MsWinter, you are amazingly brave. It took courage to survive what you survived and courage to tell someone about it. Saying it out loud is so powerful and I hope you can feel proud of being able to do that.

I know it's a huge, scary thing and to have your T react that way would be very hard. I'm sorry he did that. I do hope you can talk to him about his reaction. He needs to know the effect it had on you.

[mswinter]

Thank you so very much for your replies.

Since Friday, I have been thinking of not going back and finding a new T, a woman. However, the idea of starting all over again is overwhelming. I have done the first assessment/interview more times than I care to recall; the second and third appointment when you still don't know one another at all and you have to explain that your behavior is motivated by low self-esteem, etc. And I came to the conclusion that if I stopped seeing this T, I'd just stop therapy all together because I honestly could not start all over again at this time.

There are also many other aspects of my life, besides the CSA, that I need help with and so for now I can try to work with my T. on those other issues rather than the trauma. I know he is competent when it comes to other things; maybe trauma is just not his thing and I can still benefit from his expertise in other areas.

The biggest obstacle for me now is that I do honestly believe that he doesn't give a **** and I have to find a way to deal with that in some way and still be able to benefit from his expertise and experience.

I really think you need to talk to him about what you saw and perceived in his response to you last week. The meaning you are attaching to it may not be at all what he intended at all and you need to hear what he has to say. If you don't talk to him about this, then all you have to go on is what you saw and the meaning YOU attached to it without knowing for sure what he was really experiencing or meaning/not meaning by his response. This is something that can hopefully be worked through pretty straight-forwardly with some communication between you, but if you convince yourself he doesn't care based on a turn of the head and the end of an appointment rather than really knowing what he was thinking or feeling (because you CANNOT read his mind, you can only interpret his actions and actions can be misinterpreted) you may be closing yourself off from the help and support he can give.

Mswinter,

I hope that it feels safe enough to go back to your T and ask him about his response. I hope there is a reason that he responded the way he did that he can explain to you next week. When I've shared directly with Ts that their responses to things I've shared bothered me, I've sometimes been pleasantly surprised by their responses at this time. I guess you can wait to see how he responds next time to decide whether to pursue looking for a new T or be OK with the support that he can give you. I think it's also perfectly OK to share this dilemma with him. You're in a tricky position and I hope that this experience will somehow be healing and growing for you.

Good luck.

[unaluna]

Are you trying to give yourself an excuse to close yourself off? You had a hard time getting started talking in session; you were aware you were the last client of the day; perhaps you unconsciously wished he would extend the time boundary, and when he didn't, this "proved" to you he didn't care. But being an adult means asking for what you need or want. I couldn't ask for or accept a glass of water from T, that's how hard this was for me! But it has to be done in the boundary of time. I can't knock on his door any old time and ask for a glass of water I know that's a ridic example, but the T's love their boundaries, that's all I'm sayin', and somehow they work, and we learn to work in them.

[Asiablue]

aww i feel so sad for you ms winter, i really felt your pain reading that. I am so sorry he responded that way. I agree with the others who said to go back at least once to see if anything can be salvaged from the relationship with your T. What i would say is please don't give up altogether if you can't work things out with him. Please please find someone else who specializes in trauma and will support you thru this. Take Care Mswinter xx

[Sannah]

Following up on misunderstandings and not getting what you need is a part of healing and emotional growth. You will not believe how much you will get from this if you go back and talk to him about this.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Following up on misunderstandings and not getting what you need is a part of healing and emotional growth. You will not believe how much you will get from this if you go back and talk to him about this.

In theory perhaps, and some people report success. I have never found it so myself. I am not saying it is not worth a try. Just not a given.

[Wren_]

I would have found that really hard also, and think you did such a brave thing in sharing and wish you would have found what you were needing from your T at that moment. I do think, like Chris and others have mentioned, that it would be worth sharing your concerns with your T if at all possible; and seeing if it is really where your T is coming from ... his question about what happened to that little girl; for me, that's a question I wish my T would ask and it makes me think that somewhere in there your T really does care about you ... it may just be a really bad case of timing and him failing at that moment. I'm sorry this is so hard ... and it really is hard

[Butterflies Are Free]

Sometimes it can be really hard to share our true feelings with another person, especially around this difficult topic, but if you are able to go in and say something like, "I need to check out something that happened in our last session. This is what happened and how I interpreted it, but I wanted to ask you what you were really thinking/feeling." This can be scary for me to do but I know I can't read someone else's mind so I try to push myself to ask. Good luck with all of this!!'