[autotelica]

I want to know if it's possible to learn how to feel empathy in therapy. Lately, my difficulties relating to other people's drama has made me feel very disconnected. But every time I bring this up to my therapist, she says that I DO have empathy. And she'll point out something really small and trivial, like me thanking her for seeing me when her daughter was in town.

It makes me think that she's either trying to minimize my concerns because she feels hopeless about how to help me OR she has no idea what I mean when I say that I lack empathy. She's a pretty smart person, so I'm leaning towards the first explanation--she doesn't know how to treat someone who doesn't feel for other people, and she just doesn't how to tell me this.

So I'm feeling a bit hopeless about my survival beyond therapy. My therapist makes me feel connected to someone, even though I only see her for an hour once a week. She's shared enough of her life and personality with me that she feels like a genuine human being, but the "me" focus of our relationship makes feeling a lot of empathy towards her unnecessary. If I'm ever going to form a friendship with someone besides her, I will need to develop a heart. But I don't know how to grow one. I want to learn how, but I'm not sure if it's something that can be taught.

I'm wondering if anyone here has worked with their therapist on developing feelings. That sounds like an impossible feat to me, but I'm open to hearing what other people have done.

[kiki86]

maybe you're expecting too much of yourself? do you think you have to feel everyone's pain? because i don't think you do. that would be completely overwhelming. i also don't think your T would lie to you and tell you you're empathetic if you aren't. if she thought you weren't then she's probably want to deal with that. maybe you feel like you have to take on other peoples problems to be empathetic but i don't think that's true.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by autotelica

It makes me think that she's either trying to minimize my concerns because she feels hopeless about how to help me OR she has no idea what I mean when I say that I lack empathy. She's a pretty smart person, so I'm leaning towards the first explanation--she doesn't know how to treat someone who doesn't feel for other people, and she just doesn't how to tell me this.

What i'm reading here, is that you really think SHE lacks empathy, because she is not getting how you are feeling. Actually, this is a good thing, because IMO you acquire empathy by successfully working thru communication problems, aka ruptures, with your T. Share your self-doubt or disappointment such as it is with her. Ie have you tried telling her exactly I quoted here? How would you feel about doing that?

[autotelica]

kiki, I don't think I'm being too hard on myself. It's not that I want to feel everyone's pain. I want to feel someone's pain. Or their joy. Something.

I can see people crying and not feel a single thing but mild annoyance. I see happy people and think they are faking. When people tell me about their problems, I can think of solutions to help them, but I can't feel anything emotionally. I avoid people because socializing requires exchanging emotional information, and I just don't have the currency.

Lack of empathy doesn't mean I don't love, but it does make it harder. I can act in a loving, caring way, but without the motivation, it can be very tiring. My therapy has focused on the action, and I'm making strides in this department. But I guess I'm feeling cheated because the emotional rewards haven't kicked in.

hankster, I think she lacks empathy for me in this area, yes. I don't feel disappointment though, because I have empathy for the lack of empathy. And also she has been forthcoming about her inability to "walk in my shoes".

[learning1]

Maybe she's saying that you do have feelings and the trick is to notice them more. I think it is probably pretty considerate to notice that she took the trouble to meet you when her relative was visiting. A lot of clients would just assume it was her job and not thank her. But if you want to "develop" feelings, you can try to notice the little feelings you have and then notice them more.