[Fixated]

I swore I would never do this. I know others have, and I always understood the desire, but I never thought I'd do it. I usually have good boundaries (almost no contact outside session. Very few personal questions) and strive to be super independent of my T, but then I go and do this.

I've googled T before. Once or twice when I was feeling really distant and found a few Q&A/advice things she did online, and looked for her once on Facebook when she mentioned she had one. I couldn't find her Facebook and left it at that, and the only things I ever saw on google were T's professional things that I mentioned above.

But this time, I went too far. I guess it's cuz T is away on vacation that sparked it...idk really. But I didn't let the fact that her name didn't turn up a facebook account stop me. I looked for other ppl with the name and eventually found her. Her profile is locked, but the person I found her through had pics, and I looked through some. ugh. this is ridiculous...what i did. So through the pics I saw, I discovered things about T I did not know and never asked about.

I feel like I have to quit now. I just don't know this can ever work out. I've violated her privacy. I know I could go back and never mention it (i'm good at that), but it would probably always be hanging over my head and tainting the therapy. I could ignore it for a long time....i know that for sure. The only reason I'm posting this is cuz I just had the desire to look again and look further. I really want this to stop.

Yeah ...I'm depressed, and I have issues not feeling liked or cared about even if the people do, in fact, apparently care about me. But I have a good size, fairly close knit family, and I have a few close friends that I can usually hang out with if I want, yet here I sit wanting to know more about my T's life...and I guess there is some desire to be part of it....but I have my own darn life even if I'm not happy with it at the moment.

[Emptty]

I think you should go in the next few sessions and pretend to be psychic using your new-found information.

On a more serious note, this stuff happens. The therapeutic relationship is so weird, especially when you don't know anything about your T. If you feel ashamed of what you've done, don't. It has happened. It's done. I don't think you need to quit. You can choose whether or not to tell her. If the information is out there T should know that anyone can find it - that's the internet for you!

I don't think this is a reason to quit. It makes sense that you would do this at a difficult time when T is on vacation. Don't be too hard on yourself

[autotelica]

Presumably if your therapist has put it out on the internet, she's not THAT private. I know people naturally have an expectation of privacy, but I'm of the feeling that truly private people do no have Facebook pages that can be traced back to them.

Therapists should expect that their clients will be curious about them.

I don't know if you should tell or not. I have no problems keeping certain things from my therapist, and I don't feel guilty for stuff that isn't hurting her. Through googling, I found out that I lived two blocks away from her son's house. It was information that I knew she knew because she had given me a ride home and we had driven past the place. I also knew it was information that she wouldn't have been thrilled for me to know about, just because I know therapists are protective of their families. BUT. It's meaningless information all by itself. So there would have been no reason for me to tell her other than to make her uncomfortable and free me from guilt. It would be one thing if her son's presence in my neighborhood had bothered me, but it hadn't.

When I moved to another neighborhood and she gave me a ride to my new place, she pointed out her son's house on the way there. I acted like I didn't know. It may be that whatever information you've uncovered, your therapist will share with you when she feels comfortable. I wouldn't risk complicating your relationship by being more honest than you're required to be.

I looked my T up on facebook. The first time, I was just trying to show a friend what he looks like. His facebook photo is a photo of him and his wife and she's sitting on his lap. Lap sitting has some weird connotations for him because of the sexual abuse, and I had this over the top reaction to the photo. I then went back and obsessively looked at the photo, went to his wife's facebook page and looked at HER photos (which includes one of their wedding photos ).

FINALLY after several weeks, I told him I'd seen his facebook photos and we talked about it and my response to it. I was so nervous about his reaction, and so ashamed of snooping that my whole body was shaking and my voice was shaking and I was sweating. But, he was not angry (or if he was, he didn't tell me about it), and he just talked to me about it and I ended up feeling better. One thing I thought was kind of strange was he didn't tell me not to look at his photos, and he didn't change his facebook photo.

I think autoelica has good advice. If it bothers you, discuss it with her. If not, it probably wouldn't hurt anything to keep it to yourself. The photo I found really bothered me, so it was tremendously helpful to discuss it with him.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by Emptty

I think you should go in the next few sessions and pretend to be psychic using your new-found information.

On a more serious note, this stuff happens. The therapeutic relationship is so weird, especially when you don't know anything about your T. If you feel ashamed of what you've done, don't. It has happened. It's done. I don't think you need to quit. You can choose whether or not to tell her. If the information is out there T should know that anyone can find it - that's the internet for you!

lol. I had already thought something crazy like this. Just slipping in names or words. Watch her face reaction.

Thanks for your words and reaction. I guess I just want to quit rather than ever confront it. I feel like it is part of a bigger pattern in my life/therapy and dealing with that pattern means talking about things I consider embarrassing and pathetic (like this).

Isn't is worse though because of the way I went about it? She didn't have any information. Her profile was almost completely blocked. The only reason I found her is because I searched her last name and looked through some other profiles until I found her. The pictures I saw were on this other person's profile (maybe her sister or cousin. idk)

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Presumably if your therapist has put it out on the internet, she's not THAT private.

It may be that whatever information you've uncovered, your therapist will share with you when she feels comfortable. I wouldn't risk complicating your relationship by being more honest than you're required to be.

yeah. The thing is that her profile was locked. I found her through someone else and this someone else had pictures of my T on her profile. But I couldn't stop there. I had to go through my T's friend list to see if I could find out more. I just feel this is some whole other level of invasion. I was persistent.

I guess all I really know now is that she is married with a kid and a dog. I already suspected she was married and probably had kids. But I've seen pictures of her with her family or just of her family. Idk. I mean my pictures on FB are private for employment reasons, but normally I wouldn't care if people saw. This just seems so different though.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I looked my T up on facebook. The first time, I was just trying to show a friend what he looks like. I then went back and obsessively looked at the photo, went to his wife's facebook page and looked at HER photos (which includes one of their wedding photos ).

FINALLY after several weeks, I told him I'd seen his facebook photos and we talked about it and my response to it. I was so nervous about his reaction, and so ashamed of snooping that my whole body was shaking and my voice was shaking and I was sweating. But, he was not angry (or if he was, he didn't tell me about it), and he just talked to me about it and I ended up feeling better.

If it bothers you, discuss it with her. If not, it probably wouldn't hurt anything to keep it to yourself. The photo I found really bothered me, so it was tremendously helpful to discuss it with him.

Thank you for your reply. It definitely sounds like we share a similar experience. I do feel even worse about this because I found her through profiles of friends/family. I saw their photos. I guess maybe it was her sister's profile, but I too saw pictures of my T's wedding. And I kept looking for more. Isn't this even worse?

Your T's reaction gives me a bit of hope...maybe courage to admit.

I guess I won't know if keeping it secret will affect my therapy until I go back. It definitely bothers me that I did it. I'm even bothered a bit by knowing for sure that she has a child and husband. Jealous of them and her family getting to spend time with her. And this is the embarrassing stuff that so relates to my overall pattern, so it would probably be crazy beneficial in the long run for me to admit this. idk

[autotelica]

I would balance the guilt you feel over this with the sadness you would feel if disclosure caused things to be awkward between you two. Of course, disclosure may not be awkward. It might be "healing" (ugh..I hate that expression!) But it could make things awkward for the both of you.

As it is right now, your therapist has no idea what you know. It doesn't sound like you have found anything really embarrassing--just personal stuff that she may or may not have a problem with you knowing about, on her own time. So I don't think you should feel guilty about not telling her what you know. To me, it's no different than catching a glimpse of her underwear when she bends over. Would you feel compelled to tell your therapist that you know what color underwear she's wearing? I wouldn't!

If you're troubled by the actions, you could always ask her to help you deal with what you perceive to be obsessive information-seeking about people. If she asks for examples, you could make up an example about googling a coworker or neighbor, or maybe say that you're curious about her without revealing what you've already found. That way you can address the problem without making it about her.

It's normal, especially with her on vacation, to go deeper in the investigation then you have before. I agree with the others, just tell,her what you did ... Don't slip things in and make it all weird looking for her reaction, just tell her. This will alleviate unnecessary guilt. T's are prepared for this , or at least should be in this day and age. I googled mine, I even ran a background check on him. I wanna know a little about the keeper of my secrets. I told him,what I had done and even let him know his dissertation was available on amazon... LOL he was surprised to hear that. It's not abnormal to want to know the person you are sharing with.

[mixedup_emotions]

What you did is very common for those in therapy. I've done it as well....and to the extent that you have. The important thing is to explore the feelings that come up for you and try to understand the underlying reasons and issues. It takes a lot of courage to address it with your T, but I'd imagine that it would be a valuable discussion.

Originally Posted by Fixated

I guess I won't know if keeping it secret will affect my therapy until I go back. It definitely bothers me that I did it. I'm even bothered a bit by knowing for sure that she has a child and husband. Jealous of them and her family getting to spend time with her. And this is the embarrassing stuff that so relates to my overall pattern, so it would probably be crazy beneficial in the long run for me to admit this. idk

Yeah, that was what was productive for me. At least in part because I have this link between lap-sitting and sex, so it was almost like seeing a photo of my T and his wife engaged in foreplay. So, it was incredibly weird, creepy and rage and jealousy producing to see the photo. Telling him led to discussing that weird link I have with lap sitting (it totally doesn't mean the same thing in other people's head, T says ). We also talked about the rage and jealousy and why I have that reaction. I think that it would be beneficial in the long run (assuming your T reacts well) to discuss your reaction to the photos.

[seventyeight]

well, she could have asked the sister's cousin to take the photos down or untag them. i don't think you did anything wrong, but you might want to try to figure out the reason behind searching for her in the first place.

[Emptty]

Originally Posted by Fixated

lol. I had already thought something crazy like this. Just slipping in names or words. Watch her face reaction.

Thanks for your words and reaction. I guess I just want to quit rather than ever confront it. I feel like it is part of a bigger pattern in my life/therapy and dealing with that pattern means talking about things I consider embarrassing and pathetic (like this).

Isn't is worse though because of the way I went about it? She didn't have any information. Her profile was almost completely blocked. The only reason I found her is because I searched her last name and looked through some other profiles until I found her. The pictures I saw were on this other person's profile (maybe her sister or cousin. idk)

What you did sounds creepy and disturbing and invasive but I really can't talk because I did the same thing some time ago; found Ts highschool graduation picture, facebook, etc.. I felt bad about it at the time but never told him

If this is part of a pattern maybe you would benefit from telling T. I'm sure it's happened before that clients have looked her up and you know because she's a T she won't judge, she'll only want to help.

Atleast you know what you did is relatively normal for those in treatment... nowadays everyone looks up everyone.