[rainbow8]

I feel a strong urge to email my T but I won't. I'll post a thread here as usual. We discussed OCD briefly, as far as my needing to tell her the same thing over and over in order to be sure it was true, that she heard me, and that I said it the way I wanted/needed to. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I think I have obsessive traits that my T and I are recognizing, which she commented on today.

I told her what happened after last session, and then got stuck trying to tell her that I loved her. She said she knows what my feelings are and that I didn't have to tell her those words. I said I did, but I couldn't, not the way I wanted to. I wanted to look right at her and not preface them with a disclaimer like "the parts want to tell you....", or "it's about loving you". I wanted to say I LOVE YOU straight in that order.

I didn't at first, so we did the SE again. But then I said I was feeling sad and heavy because I was a failure, because I didn't say what I wanted to, that I HAD to or I would be upset when I left. Finally, I said them and she asked how I felt and I said "relieved". I told her that if I don't say what I want I will go over and over it and feel terrible until I do or say what I feel I have to!

The other OCD part was when I kept asking her if she thought it was important, my insight about loving her and change, and loving other people, that it didn't have to be "either/or". She said yes, but I had to ask her again, as if I wasn't sure. I went round and round with it, and she said I was thinking too much. If I FELT something changed, we didn't have to use words to describe it or validate it. That's a hard concept for me. I think that I need the words or it's not true! My feelng doesn't seem to be enough to validate it.

I had to ask her a few times if it's important that if it's okay to love her maybe I don't need my pattern. She agreed it's important. Maybe I wanted her to jump up and down, LOL. It's the same OCD thing, or maybe I just don't believe her or me yet.

This SE stuff is hard. Telling T I love her was hard. I was getting warm; she wanted to know where I felt it and I had to say my face was warm. Another place was my bladder! I had to leave to use the bathroom 3 times. I told her maybe I had an infection but she thinks it's nerves. I'm not sure.

So, it was a kind of strange session. I hope I don't keep obsessing and wondering about the "love" issue. I told her I don't have to be in her life, that I AM in her life, though just in the session. She agreed.

I don't know. I still don't trust my feelings totally. I even told her that I was ashamed last week, and that I was self-conscious because of feeling frustrated in the session, that I wanted to do what she wanted, and not focus on her but when I left I exploded. She mentioned some word I never heard of, in relation to grief, which is what I felt when I shrieked.

I started to mention an issue that is really hard for me, about my appearance, but I said "for another session", and she repeated that phrase. I was really honest!! LOL. I know you guys think I am, but this was beyond honesty!

[CantExplain]

It sounds like you're making some real progress.

[Wren_]

I wonder if everyone has some areas where they are obsessive? and when it's something that is so important to you as this one is it's no wonder you keep thinking and worrying about it that's great you were able to say the words since you'd been really wanting to do so good work ... and there seems to be honest and more than honest doesn't there; the way you were today with her

[rainbow8]

Thanks, CantExplain. I HOPE so.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, tigergirl. It's like I needed T to validate my feelings but my feelings are really just mine, and I shouldn't need ANYONE to validate them. Another insight! I feel weird, a little let down. I mean, what's left if I told T that I love her and the sky didn't fall down on me? I felt better last week after my crying/shrieking! I didn't cry this time.

We talked about disappointment feeling heavy and sad. I kind of like this SE stuff after all. I never thought about where feelings are in my body. Maybe my body and I will even become friends because of this therapy.

[rainbow8]

I've gotta process this some more but I'm feeling okay. SE feeling: not sure where, maybe my stomach, when I see my thread on page 2 already. Why do I need so much outside validation? Yeah, seems to be an issue to work on.

[Sannah]

Good work Rainbow! I think that when we have issues we want them solved so we stick with them until we can move forward on them. I don't really look at it as obsessive. You just want to get better.

See, you stuck with this issue and you got some insight that you need outside validation. Good work!!!!!!!!!!!

WEll done Rainbow8, That must feel like such a relief to actually say those words out loud and to her. You are very brave and shows just how far you are coming with your therapy. I think everyone is a little obsessive about their therapy and all the thinking can become your life because in therapy we are asked to look at our thoughts for maybe the first time in our life, so we question our everythought and wonder what it means...I don't know if it is like this for others but for me it has become such an unhealthy obsession.