[elliemay]

I just can't help it. My new therapist is sooooo different from my old. He's rather warm and certainly kind, but the longer I am in therapy with him the more I miss my old therapist.

The new one is strictly a behaviourist and I will be the first to admit that I have implemented some very positive changes in my behaviour. I'm checking my mail with some regularity (I have a mortal phobia of snail mail - go figure right?), I no longer compulsively check my bank account balance, etc... All behaviours designed to constantly reinforce that I'm okay, I'm not going broke, I won't be homeless, I won't have the rug pulled out from under me.

All very positive of course and rather easy to implement, but totally missing the point. I still feel like the rug is about to pulled out from under me.

What I really miss, though, is the connection. The ease with which my old therapist and I could communicate. The comfort of it I guess.

This new is definitely not into comfort. He is very goal driven and outcome oriented.

It just feels like the new guy doesn't want to get to know me at all and that makes me sad. I don't know why. He doesn't even shake my hand at the end of a session. That makes me sad too. Very very sad.

Maybe I'm just homesick, or maybe I have idealized the relationship between my old therapist and myself.

I also don't know that either.

I do want to go home though. It's tough to move and start over.

You do kind of have the sound of someone who's a bit homesick. I haven't had to move in years, but I remember the feeling. Have you talked about this feeling with the new T, about how the new T feels impersonal compared to what you are so used to? If so, how was it received? Sorry you are feeling displaced right now.

(((((((Elliemay))))))

I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing after the move. When I moved across the country 12 years ago it was a huge upheaval...and that was without leaving a beloved T behind.

Do you think it would help to find a T in your new home who works differently? Someone with less of a behavioral focus?

to you.

[WikidPissah]

(((ellie))) It sounds very hard. If you are seeing changes then he is helping, so maybe give it a little bit longer. Have you told him how much you miss old t?

[unaluna]

interesting you should mention the rug. I have/had the rug problem. that's a maternal evil introject - she kept you in line by keeping you insecure. T really expects to handle this behaviorly? I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about it. aren't there any child psychologists in town? or maybe i'm overreacting - is this feeling something ongoing, or more of a reaction to your move? hugs and cuddles. ps. i've been watching your namesake every Wednesday night this summer - what a treasure!

[stopdog]

I am sorry you are feeling homesick. Perhaps it is time to find another T even though this one has helped. I moved to different states several times growing up and I did not like it. As an adult I have lived in the same town for over 30 years and the exact same spot for over 25 years - the idea of even changing houses is impossible.

[taylor43]

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

[skeksi]

{{{elliemay}}}

Moving is hard, and doing so without an emotional "place to rest" is even harder. Perhaps it will help to talk with this new T about what you need--the distance he has from you may be his general persona (probably) but maybe it's his responding to what he believes you need and he can alter his approach to be a little more emotionally involved. Worth a try, anyway.

It's unavoidable that you will make comparisons between old T and new T, especially since there is no possibility to go back to old T due to the move. It sounds like you're in the phase everyone hates about moving: rebuilding a social and emotional network. I wish I had advice, but I just have hugs. It's a hard phase to struggle through.

[Perna]

You are doing so much at once, with the new T, moving, etc. I remember when I terminated my T the first time, moved (after 13 years in the same apartment), changed jobs/locations (same company, brand new owners, "we" were sold, moved in with my boyfriend away from all my friends (over an hour away) and just had a whole new life it seemed; took me quite awhile to get use to the transitional changes.

You had mentioned New T didn't have the credentials or experience that old T did. This isn't the same TYPE of therapy, what did your old T practice? DBT, CBT, Psychoanalysis etc. Could that be part of the issue?

[elliemay]

thanks all. This is rough. I think anyone would feel a little discombombulated, and that's kind of how I feel, disjointed and battered about. Then I go to therapy and my therapist is concerned with how many times a week I check my mail. Really?

I just don't know how important that is actually.

I've certainly told him about missing my old therapist. I'm not quite sure he's even known anyone 9 years, much less slogged through all their crap with them for 9 years. Like I said in another post, that's quite a mess to get into with someone. Just don't think he's up for it.

On the other hand, I also feel as though "okay, do I really need someone to slog around with my crap for another 9 years? Am I really ready to do that again? Is that what I want?"

And I can't say that it is either.

I just want to not have left. That's just not reality based though. I don't know what, if anything, i'm going to do about this.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I've certainly told him about missing my old therapist. I'm not quite sure he's even known anyone 9 years, much less slogged through all their crap with them for 9 years. Like I said in another post, that's quite a mess to get into with someone. Just don't think he's up for it.

On the other hand, I also feel as though "okay, do I really need someone to slog around with my crap for another 9 years? Am I really ready to do that again? Is that what I want?"

What I hear you saying is, you think you might want someone to do therapy in a little more depth than this guy, but not necessarily long-long term.

If I remember correctly, you sought out this guy to pick up some of the emotional slack of moving; but it sounds like you don't feel this is happening. You can seek out a different therapist for support without committing to 9 (or even 1) year of work.

You're having lots of mixed feelings. That's okay.

[elliemay]

Yeah, mixed feelings. That sums it up quite well. It kinda sucks too. Oh well, you know what "they" say... Embrace the suckiness! Yay!

It is worth noting that I did get very angry at my previous therapist when therapy started as well. This maybe just a reaction to the fact, that if I am completely honest with myself, this loser has gotten into my head.

It very well could be a reaction to said headiness. Hey! My previous therapy must have worked. At least I'm aware of it - not that it changes the way I feel, but, well, there you have it I think.

[elliemay]

Also, while I am evidently just free associating/*****ing. I simply can not believe that this new guy doesn't even appear to want to go "there". My old therapist would go there, roll around in it, get all nasty, and still like me anyway.

I feel as though this guy liking me (really Ellie you care?) is contigent upon my ability to NOT check my bank account balance, get my mail, be able to totally relax, gauge my stress level all the time, breathe deeply, be in the moment and read stupid stupid self-help books (if I wanted to read self help books, I would just pay for the damn books and not therapy).

He and I are just going to have to get to the bottom of this I guess. One way or the other. There has to be some kind of middle ground. Has to be.

[pbutton]

I am curious to see how this turns out. I am actually having the opposite issue - I'm still all fuzzy-feeling about T1, but T2 seems to be much more ready to go "there" with me. It's an odd feeling.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Moving can be so hard! Would you be able to share all of these feelings with your new T? I remember when my T would go on vacation and I would see a colleague of hers - I would talk about my feelings of missing my T and you are right, it does feel like homesickness. I will be thinking about you!

[adel34]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this new t. Personally he would drive me nuts, I wouldn't work well with someone who's just focusing on behavior and is goal oriented without focusing at all on the connection!
I totally get how hard it is to move. I just moved from MA to Chicago in June and am still struggling to feel settled in. I haven't even found a therapist yet, and miss mine from MA so much! I feel she's one of the few people who really understands and accepts me, and sadly, is the one person with the exception of my parents who is keeping in touch with me from MA. All my so-called friends bailed on me and I haven't heard from them since before I left.
I agree with the person who said maybe you should find someone who has a more relational focus. At least there you'd have space to process all these feelings and be able to maybe form a connection similar to (though of course it won't be exactly the same!) the one you had with your former therapist. I hope this helps.

I remember when I moved from where I'd lived all my life 16yrs ago. It was to give our kids a better life. It was december, cold outside & cold "inside".

I transferred at my job and each morning I pulled up in the work carpark I felt worse then death. Everyone was unfamiliar. I was starving for that familiar feeling. I was trying to force friendships immediately, attempting to make "roots".

Now I still have those feelings of wanting something familiar when I travel. But the intenseness has lessened, but it's still a lonely place to be when I'm in that spot.

Give yourself time. Before you know it your belong just where you are.

[elliemay]

thanks again all. Moving has been insanely hard. Much much harder than I anticipated.

In any case, I see my new therapist tomorrow and will discuss some of these issues with him. We'll get it straightened out, or not.

I'm sure things will be okay.

[pbutton]

Good luck tomorrow. It sounds like you've got a good plan in place. I hope it goes well.

And you're right, things will be okay.