[~EnlightenMe~]

I desperately want to talk to my xT. I feel so disgusting because I feel this way, I feel so disgusting because I want to talk to someone who hurt me so much, I feel so disgusting because this is who I am and it isn't acceptable. I just want to talk to him but can't. What kind of person am I? I feel like I'm being tortured for being what I am. Nothing is helping me, I am helpless to change things. I wasn't this self destructive when I decided to take time off from therapy, although it was agonizing. This time is different. I want to talk to my therapist. period. I don't want to be me. I don't want to be. I want to post a wonderfully positive uplifting post but that's not who I am right now. Now I'm nothing but a desperate, disgusting person. I hate this existence and that I had no choice.
Yet again I have been abandoned by someone whom I trust and left in pain while he walks through the raindrops. My anger isn't helping me, but the other option is hopelessness (aside from a few spurts of my 'good' side). This sucks big time. I don't foresee it getting better, so **** it. I have tolerated more than I can tolerate and don't feel brave or courageous, but more angry and tired. I need help from somebody who left. I can't deal with this but this doesn't matter.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I desperately want to talk to my xT. I feel so disgusting because I feel this way, I feel so disgusting because I want to talk to someone who hurt me so much, I feel so disgusting because this is who I am and it isn't acceptable. I just want to talk to him but can't. What kind of person am I? I feel like I'm being tortured for being what I am. Nothing is helping me, I am helpless to change things. I wasn't this self destructive when I decided to take time off from therapy, although it was agonizing. This time is different. I want to talk to my therapist. period. I don't want to be me. I don't want to be. I want to post a wonderfully positive uplifting post but that's not who I am right now. Now I'm nothing but a desperate, disgusting person. I hate this existence and that I had no choice.
Yet again I have been abandoned by someone whom I trust and left in pain while he walks through the raindrops. My anger isn't helping me, but the other option is hopelessness (aside from a few spurts of my 'good' side). This sucks big time. I don't foresee it getting better, so **** it. I have tolerated more than I can tolerate and don't feel brave or courageous, but more angry and tired. I need help from somebody who left. I can't deal with this but this doesn't matter.

You are being waaaay too hard on yourself. Way. Now stop that.

Sounds to me like you want some resolution... some closure You had a therapeutic relationship with someone in whom you placed a sacred trust. Somehow, they did not protect the relationship, and you ended up feeling abandoned. So you're carrying around all that dissonance.. because at certain junctures of our therapeutic journey, it is very common for us to define our worth by the stability of that therapeutic relationship.

What you want, what you need, is perfectly normal. My first therapist ended up causing me a tremendous amount of pain due to his inability to manage his own self. It became very toxic for me, and did a lot of psychic damage. When I finally ended up with the therapist I have now, it took about 18 months or so before I stopped obsessing daily about having a talk with my first therapist. I needed so badly to explain all my pain to him - and to hear him acknowledge that he really missed the mark... to hear him acknowledge that he failed.. I wanted to see it in his eyes that he felt bad. It was extremely painful to deal with the reality that I would never get what I wanted. It took a loooong, long time, and it isn't a journey I'd wish on anyone - but I eventually got to the place that I genuinely don't need to know that he feels bad about what he did. The therapist I have now helped me with that. It was hard, though.

Anyway, please don't spend another second feeling like there is something wrong with you for wanting some kind of closure. It's painful.. but sometimes we just won't get closure - at least not the closure we'd like to have.

But there's nothing wrong with you.

[CantExplain]

It's OK to want things, even things that are bad for you.
You don't have to act on every feeling.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Crescent, Can'tExplain,
Thanks for your replies. Crescent, your experience sounds the same as mine thus far. Thanks for normalizing it as I feel like I'm going mad. This mirrors another relationship I had in my life where the person completely damaged the trust I had and has in no way been held accountable. This time, I paid for this to happen to me again and it's unsettling to know that I have to go through this all over again because my therapist ****ed up. When I started seeing him, I came to him because I was fragile and I needed him to take my pain seriously. Now I have to spend a ton of time in therapy trying to undo what he has done. I'm really sickened and saddened by all of this. Your story really has helped me, though. Thank you for telling me. TC

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think it makes a lot of sense because you trusted that your T would be able to help you and you wanted it to work out in a healthy way. Try to just stay present with your feelings - feelings are neither right nor wrong. So glad you posted!