[learning1]

Trigger for negative attitudes about therapy and for mention sui thoughts.





I'm struggling a lot over whether to continue therapy, and whether to post this. Sorry for the long background story.

In March, I said therapy wasn't working (again). I probably shouldn't have such a negative attitude. T said I should take a break and that if I didn't come back, I should celebrate what I accomplished. It was clear he doesn't care if I quit.

For a few months, I got more depressed than usual. I was really relying on therapy to hope my life could get better. I lost the hope and found myself sometimes sleeping half the day and researching sui. I never tell t my sui thoughts because I know I'm not very close to going through with it, so telling him seems like stupid complaining. I hate that I’m relying on therapy so much for so long.

In July, I went back once. I was pretty mean I guess. I said I didn't trust him because he flips back and forth from being ridiculously nice to being cold and indifferent. I asked him to talk less. I was argumentative almost the whole session. He has gone out of his way to be nice to me at times, so I partly feel bad, but I partly feel like what I was saying is right. I said it seems like he doesn't think my issues matter. He responded, very impersonally, that he believes in therapy and thinks everyone should learn about themselves.

He also gave me a lecture about how therapy has to push you to learn new skills sometimes. He asked what I'm learning.

Now I'm trying to decide whether to go back. Reasons to go-
1. I started taking wellbutrin, which t doesn't know about. They say you should do therapy with antidepressants. But a lot of people don’t.
2. Maybe I'm avoiding going back since I'm afraid of what he'll say after last time. Maybe if I have a more positive attitude, there are “skills” I could learn faster in therapy than I can learn them in real life. I don’t have much confidence in this, but it’s the biggest reason to go back.
3. I really don’t want to be a therapy failure.
4. He said he believes in therapy for everyone, so maybe he doesn't entirely want to get rid of me, he’s just mostly indifferent.
5. When I said I felt stupid for going last time, he said it's good I did go.

Reasons not to go back-
1. One time t said his goal for me is to have me not depend on him. This was the only goal he mentioned. As an afterthought he quietly said, and for me to have what I need in life. This is complicated since he’s my age and he’s probably concerned about me being attracted to him. I think I’m pretty sensible about not letting that happen. But still being afraid I’m depending on him in a way I shouldn’t is the biggest reason I’m not sure about going back.
2. I'm sure there was truth in what I said about him thinking my issues don't matter much since he didn't deny it. It’s true I’m not having any major difficulties. No anxiety attacks, dissociation, addictions. I have a decent job, friends, lots of dating experience. I’m unhappy I’m still single.
3. It seems like even t is ambivalent about whether self-focus and self indulgence, which seem inherently part of going to therapy for depression, are my main problem.
4. I’m capable of quitting without falling apart.

Thanks for reading this.

[growlycat]

Therapy may be right for you but HE might not be the T for you.

I know that I need someone who overtly cares about me and says so. I never did well with T's that played the indifference game. I personally need to know that the person i'm spilling my guts to has some inkling of affection for me.

I don't know what is true for you, much of what you said resonated with a bad T experience in my past otherwise known as "the bad fit".

[mixedup_emotions]

I was thinking along the same lines as growlycat.

I also think it's necessary for you to be truly honest, digging deep within yourself, to acknowledge the issues that you need to address in therapy, set some goals and work towards them. It's your therapy, your goals. Not for your T to decide, but for you.

[growlycat]

PS.... I get red flags whenever I hear a T get uncomfortable about so-called "dependence"

One of the best things I've learned, and my T today "gets it", is that the more you are allowed to be dependent in therapy, oddly the more INdependent you become. (feeling loved and safe make you feel more daring and willing to try new things)

[Wren_]

I think ... you know my thoughts are you should be with a therapist, especially with the suicidal thoughts. True you may not be planning on acting on them, but having someone (professional along with your friends) walking with you as you experience them can help. So for me yes you should be in therapy. The big question is always should it be with this T. Maybe you could also put up some of the pros and cons with this particular one to help you work out which outweighs which? I want you to have a good T who will help you

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by learning1

In July, I went back once. I was pretty mean I guess. I said I didn't trust him because he flips back and forth from being ridiculously nice to being cold and indifferent. I asked him to talk less. I was argumentative almost the whole session. He has gone out of his way to be nice to me at times, so I partly feel bad, but I partly feel like what I was saying is right. I said it seems like he doesn't think my issues matter.

I don't think this was at all mean.
I think you made some good points.

Speaking only for myself, I was usually wrong in my guesses of what my T thought, expected or felt.

[Miswimmy1]

I think if I were in ur place, I would try a new t... It sounds like u could benefit from a freash start. On the other hand, i think it would ease your brain a bit to confront your t about your feelings (show him the list of pros and cons to begin with) so that u know ur both on the same page. Then if it still isnt working, I would try a new t

[learning1]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have been thinking about them. I'm thinking about your suggestion TG.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I was thinking along the same lines as growlycat.

I also think it's necessary for you to be truly honest, digging deep within yourself, to acknowledge the issues that you need to address in therapy, set some goals and work towards them. It's your therapy, your goals. Not for your T to decide, but for you.

I think I have and my t knows what they are, but I don't really understand why you brought it up. It sounds like you're saying to work towards the goals by myself. I do think about them a lot but I don't know if I get anywhere. I could write about them here but don't know if it's relevant to explain them.

I think you should give another T a try ....doesn't mean you can't go back to this T but it would give you perspective if its you having trouble with therapy or if its and you and your t problems.

[learning1]

I just emailed him for an appointment, in spite of everyone's advice here. I really don't want to feel like I failed at therapy now that I've been doing it with him for over a year. I don't want to look back in the future and feel like I wasted all this time and effort. I would like it if I could have a few more sessions at least and say I got something out of it somehow, instead of ending like this.

I'm nervous about it. He sometimes takes a while to get back to me and this time I'll be glad if he does. I'm not sure if it will be possible to end it positively, or if he will push me too much, or push me away. He hasn't said he wants me to leave, but it occurred to me that he might.

I did talk to another t twice in July. I liked her. she was female and she was younger so I felt a lot less intimidated and I led the conversation more. I can imagine talking to her about things I don't talk to the regular t about much, eating and relationships. The big problem I have though is that she was a lot younger and she doesn't have the life experience of being married, so I don't know how i could look to her for guidance about how to do better in my relationships. She seems more like she would be a friend than a therapist.

I have been to over a dozen t's in my life, usually for very short periods. That's one of the reasons I thought I should try to stay with one now and not keep switching, even though he isn't an ideal fit for me.

It does help to have other perspectives. There was another quiet female t before who I wanted to go back to but she said she was too busy. She supported me before about something I haven't been able to do more than hint at with current t. So I try to hold on to that.