I am struggling lately with my sexuality. I like women but I am not sure what is going on, lately I have been thinking that I would like a family and a husband. I am not attracted to men but get on well with them.

See, I have a big thing with trust lately after my ex cheated on me, she basically denied having the affair and made out that I was going crazy, she lied to me about a lot of things in the whole six years I was seeing her and pretended to be someone she was not, for instance she told me that she was always being cheated on when in fact she was the one who cheated on everyone.

She was my first GF and I don't think I can ever trust another woman again, I know men can do that too but I don't think they would be so callous about it and try and deliberately hurt you-maybe I am wrong. I am thinking I might have more stablility with a man right now. Maybe I am being rediculous. I have just started seeing my new T and would Not feel comfortable discussing any of this with her just yet. I am so confused and hurt and don't think I can ever trust ANYONE again.

I think sexuality is a spectrum...you have your far right (totally gay ) and your far left (totally heterosexual) and everyone in between. People can cheat man or woman and no matter how it occurs it will feel the same. You should bring this up with T, its part of who you are and what you are dealing with, my experience with T's are they wont judge you regardless of their beliefs. As for having a a family, you can have one straight or gay. I am a lesbian and have a wonderful partner of 13 years, 2 grown girls , a son in law and three grandkids. As for the husband part, in the traditional sense of course you would need to find a man. I have known people who cant decided between men and women and ones that would never consider the other side of the coin... to each his own I say. Bottom line, just find the person who loves you as much as you love them.

[AngelWolf3]

I am sending hugs your way. It is hard, what you have gone through. I have had experiences on both sides of the coin, and in my experience, we human beings can be callous, period! I am in the "not trusting anyone to get close again" boat, that's why I can't tell you what to do, or who you would have stability with. But you are totally not alone. I wish you well, and hope someone has some good advice...!

[stopdog]

Try dating some men and see how it is. I do not recommend marrying for an image or idea of what life is supposed to look like - that is a recipe for unhappiness for the actor, the spouse and the children. Everyone (who has dated more than once) has had hard break ups regardless of the gender of the players. I never thought I would fall in love (emotion, physical closeness, having them around all the time = not things I thought sounded fun) but I did. Then we broke up a few years later and I was completely devastated. The devastation surprised me. I wept all the time, I lost a lot of weight, etc. But after a couple of years, I tried again. With the same gender.
But there is no reason not to try men and see if you can love one of them the way you want.

[pbutton]

I can't help but wonder if part of the "stability" that you'd feel would be because you wouldn't be attracted & therefore less emotionally invested? That's not a path I'd recommend.

[bluemountains]

You can have children whether in relationship or single. You said you want a husband but are not attracted to men. Isn't it more important to develop an intimate relationship as well as a friendship with your partner? I am so sorry that your ex hurt you so much, but both men and women can be callous in a relationship, you just happened to have had this experience with a woman.
I know you've been hurt, but hopefully soon your bruises will heal and you will be able to follow your heart.
Bluemountains

I don't think I can try men, I really like the idea of it but I couldn't bring myself to do it! see the woman I loved didn't exist she just pretended to be someone so I would like her, that was a big shock to deal with! That someone can be so deceitful! I honestly can't trust anyone, I am wondering if all the girls I meet are lying and questioning everything, it's horrible!

TRIGGER MAYBE!!!

I'm sorry you have gone thought this. I have the experience of having a husband cheat on me with a coworker while we all worked together and he had her in our home, so as a straight woman I know from experience that men can be just as cruel. I don't think they are all that way and probably not all women are either. It's so difficult to trust again, but I guess we have to keep trying.

The hardest part for me is trying to trust myself. I think if I can do that one day then I might be able to have complete trust with someone else once again.

I hope you feel better and keep trying even though it's really hard.

[anilam]

Yeah I'm with pbutton on this one- couldn't it be that you'd go for a man only because you feel you wouldn't love him that much and thus be less hurt if he cheated on you. Cause let me tell you men can be as callous as women.
Furthermore, it IS easier to built a "traditional" family then the family with the same sex partners but something tells me that you wouldn't be as happy as you can be in one.
I know you are deeply hurt and feel like you can't trust/love again but this too shall pass. Be great though if you could talk about it with your T.

[roads]

Hey, button. You've gotten some thoughtful responses here. PsychCentral is a great place for support. I'm sorry this early relationship has hurt so badly, but many of them do. Try to take the best from it, learn from the painful ... and learn from others here some of the wise ways you might go about looking for and building your next relationship. It can be, not just better ... Terrific!

Originally Posted by anilam

Furthermore, it IS easier to built a "traditional" family then the family with the same sex partners but something tells me that you wouldn't be as happy as you can be in one.

Your right its not as easy.

Thanks for all the advice guys, I am in work oxygen but will have a closer look later! It's good to see that two women can live together and be happy because every woman I know who is gay has cheated on their. Partners and it's very disheartening!

[stopdog]

I do not think all lesbians cheat. I never have, for example. However, I do believe some of lesbian culture has at times been at odds with mainstream heterosexual culture and lesbians as a political group (this is overly broad - I know) or movement have experimented with different sorts of coupling/interaction etc (communes, women's collective's etc). Some of it is reflected in the writings - particularly late 1960's through mid to late 1980's. Not owning each other, sexual freedom and blah blah. People have to work out these things. I have been in a couple of open relationships where the open-ness was very defined. I have never felt the urge to be with more than one person at a time (I find one other exhausting, more than one would probably kill me), but have had partners who did as well as strictly monogamous partnerships too. Not everyone believes long term monogamy is an ideal they want. If it is what you want, then I hope you find a like minded partner.
I also think it is easy to blame "cheating" (a word I do not like to use in this sort of situation) for the pain. But in all honesty, I have found most break-ups painful for at least one if not both parties, no matter the underlying reason for them.

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by button30

I am struggling lately with my sexuality. I like women but I am not sure what is going on, lately I have been thinking that I would like a family and a husband. I am not attracted to men but get on well with them.

See, I have a big thing with trust lately after my ex cheated on me, she basically denied having the affair and made out that I was going crazy, she lied to me about a lot of things in the whole six years I was seeing her and pretended to be someone she was not, for instance she told me that she was always being cheated on when in fact she was the one who cheated on everyone.

She was my first GF and I don't think I can ever trust another woman again, I know men can do that too but I don't think they would be so callous about it and try and deliberately hurt you-maybe I am wrong. I am thinking I might have more stablility with a man right now. Maybe I am being rediculous. I have just started seeing my new T and would Not feel comfortable discussing any of this with her just yet. I am so confused and hurt and don't think I can ever trust ANYONE again.

I think that for people who are attracted to both genders, once something goes wrong in a relationship with one gender, the tendency is to think that maybe with the other gender it will be different, because of the belief that female and male genders are complete opposites.
Also, we live in a very heteronormative society, where stability is often thought of as the nuclear family, consisting of a husband, wife, and kids. In society's mind, the stable, nuclear family does not consist of two partners who are the same sex. I know that maybe that view is changing a little bit, but it is still very much prevalent.
And in some ways, this becoms a self-fulfilling prophecy, because, like anilam said, it is harder to build a "traditional" family with two opposite sex partners, but it is because a lot of the time, society makes it harder. Therefore, associating stability with heterosexual love is actually quite natural, because of the nature of the world we live in.
But that is just my two cents.

Originally Posted by button30

Thanks for all the advice guys, I am in work oxygen but will have a closer look later! It's good to see that two women can live together and be happy because every woman I know who is gay has cheated on their. Partners and it's very disheartening!

My experience, of which I have had on both sides of the coin...is that people are people and relationships be it 2 men, 2 women or one of each...tend to be similar on a basic level. Its 2 people who each have needs and they work together to meet each others needs and establish a life together with similar goals and a commitment.

[Healingchild]

I'm so sorry to hear how you have been hurt. I am a lesbian too and I have been in a few very painful relationships. One thing I am going to look for is someone who has the same values as me. Another thing is that I am going to pay alot more attention to what this person does rather than what she says. It's hard though, some people are so good at picking up on what you want in a partner and pretending to be that person when she is not. In counseling, they say we keep being drawn to certain people so that we can work out the problems of our childhood. If we go to counseling and find out what those problems are then maybe we can fix ourselves and be drawn to the right people. I hope so.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I think sexuality is a spectrum...you have your far right (totally gay ) and your far left (totally heterosexual) and everyone in between. People can cheat man or woman and no matter how it occurs it will feel the same. You should bring this up with T, its part of who you are and what you are dealing with, my experience with T's are they wont judge you regardless of their beliefs. As for having a a family, you can have one straight or gay. I am a lesbian and have a wonderful partner of 13 years, 2 grown girls , a son in law and three grandkids. As for the husband part, in the traditional sense of course you would need to find a man. I have known people who cant decided between men and women and ones that would never consider the other side of the coin... to each his own I say. Bottom line, just find the person who loves you as much as you love them.

I agree, some therapist, (I can't remember his name) in the 70s did a study on human sexuality and he found that only a small percentage of his participents were either gay or straight and about 95 were in between, in other words its not just black and white. Human sexuality is very fluid, especially with women who are more inclined to be attracted to the same sex.
Lolacabanna, I am glad to hear you have been with your partner for 13 years. I am starting to regain some faith. The only experience I have with gay women has not been positive. I have tried to be friends with them, if they have a partner it just doesn't work. Just last month I met this couple and I actually thought they were a lovely couple, fast forward a week and the two of them text me saying they liked me and how they were unhappy in their current relationship. I felt hurt and betrayed like I keep reliving my past in different circumstances. I don't get why they have no respect for their partners.

Originally Posted by Healingchild

I'm so sorry to hear how you have been hurt. I am a lesbian too and I have been in a few very painful relationships. One thing I am going to look for is someone who has the same values as me. Another thing is that I am going to pay alot more attention to what this person does rather than what she says. It's hard though, some people are so good at picking up on what you want in a partner and pretending to be that person when she is not. In counseling, they say we keep being drawn to certain people so that we can work out the problems of our childhood. If we go to counseling and find out what those problems are then maybe we can fix ourselves and be drawn to the right people. I hope so.

Sorry you have been hurt too Helaing child, it sucks when you love someone, to have them rip your heart out and play with it. There is a lesson in all relationships, I have never heard that quote, about being drawn to certain people because we need to fix stuff from our childhood. Thats very interesting...I have been wondering why I always attract the same sort of women.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do not think all lesbians cheat. I never have, for example. However, I do believe some of lesbian culture has at times been at odds with mainstream heterosexual culture and lesbians as a political group (this is overly broad - I know) or movement have experimented with different sorts of coupling/interaction etc (communes, women's collective's etc). Some of it is reflected in the writings - particularly late 1960's through mid to late 1980's. Not owning each other, sexual freedom and blah blah. People have to work out these things. I have been in a couple of open relationships where the open-ness was very defined. I have never felt the urge to be with more than one person at a time (I find one other exhausting, more than one would probably kill me), but have had partners who did as well as strictly monogamous partnerships too. Not everyone believes long term monogamy is an ideal they want. If it is what you want, then I hope you find a like minded partner.
I also think it is easy to blame "cheating" (a word I do not like to use in this sort of situation) for the pain. But in all honesty, I have found most break-ups painful for at least one if not both parties, no matter the underlying reason for them.

I don't think they all cheat, I for one have never cheated either, nor have any desire too, its just my experience that the ones I know personally have all cheated and wouldn't think twice about their partner either.

Originally Posted by pbutton

I can't help but wonder if part of the "stability" that you'd feel would be because you wouldn't be attracted & therefore less emotionally invested? That's not a path I'd recommend.

This is absolutely right pbutton only I couldn't figure it out until you wrote out down and I read it, perhaps on a subconscious level this is how I thought about it. I could not hurt a man like this, pretend to love him but really don't. Its what my partner did to me and it is the worst thing you can do to someone.
I think I have romantised the idea of the traditional family, now that I get older it gets harder to be alone and explain why I don' have children and it is just my problem how I react to people asking that, I get defensive and annoyed and think I should have a family already.

[stopdog]

I guess a point I was trying to make is people (men and women) sleep with others than their partner and there are many reasons for doing so. It is not really less painful to have to say or hear - I just don't love you anymore or There is something missing for me here etc. Sometimes sleeping with another person is a way to get out of something without having to say things directly. I am not advocating it, I am just saying there are many reasons for it. I personally do not sleep with others when partnered up, but in some ways that is not just because I don't want to hurt my partner (which in general I do not), but also because I just don't think about it (I can be somewhat oblivious to others flirting with me, and frankly once settled in, relieved to have thinking about such things off the table) and if I did think about it, I would probably decide it was just way too much effort. I find one woman too be overwhelming sometimes, the thought of two boggles my mind. (I would think two men would be too many for me too - my fidelity is not based on gender). The deal is, at what point does the fun/happy/safe/ I am going to enjoy what I have with this person now/sex is good outweigh your lack of trust? You can date without bringing the uhaul. Go slow.

LOL @ the u haul.... You can have your toaster oven back now stopdog..lol

[bluemountains]

Oddly enough, maybe because I am older, all of my friends/relatives in same sex relationships are monogamous as far as I know, and judging from personalities I would be shocked if any of these individuals cheated. My cousin and her partner have been together over thirty years, and have raised a son from my cousin's brief marriage. They are in their sixties, and they have such a warm relationship, even now. I hope my husband and I can endure so well!
Bluemountains

Sexuality is definitely a spectrum. As I have learned recently, through many discussions with t, I came to the realization that I am actually bisexual. I'm married to a man now, for a good while, and we are happy together. But as I told t, I realize now that I could just as easily have been with a woman all this time it is more about WHO the person is than their gender. Which interestingly fits in with how hubby and I met, we met online first when we lived states apart. So we got to know each other from the inside out so to speak. But before meeting him I had relationships with a couple of different women one of which was pretty serious and she broke my little ol' heart. Anyway. Do I talk too much? Sorry. My sister and her life partner have a daughter, they are Mommy and Mama, and have been together for goodness 6 years now? So yeah, you can have a family and not be with a man. They did (are doing) it successfully. Well I shared a lot there I guess I better quit hoggin' the share miles. LOL gotta get back to work anyway.

Thanks for that arthimis, gyou are not hogging the thread at all! I have read a little bit about sexuality trying to understand hutch bit better and I think for women especially its more about the emotional side! I didn't particularly like my partner at first, wasn't attract de to her at all, hell she stalked me for ages but she was so kind and caring and gentle( and I emphasis was) that I couldn't help fall in love with the person! She was my first relationship with either sex so I was young and niave! Now if I met her again, a lot of red flags. Would go up! I think women meet on an emotional and spiritual level and connect that way! And I do genuinely think most women are bisexual!