[Fixated]

Tried to talk to T about how her asking/saying I could email during my trip and me doing it was me acknowledging the personal nature of therapy, so that they went in my file cheapens it.

T says the e-mail thing wasn't proof that she cared. She's done it for other patients. She sees it as merely an extension of therapy, the parts where I tell her about my life...things that happened that week. This is why there is no question the emails would go in a file. I was mistaken.

It felt like I'd been hit by a truck...like all the color drained from my face. This email thing (along with a few things she said at session b4 i left) rocked my world. I thought it was her making a gesture to show she cared. That made me look so hard at everything. It consumed so much of my thoughts while I was gone.

I wouldn't have bought her that damn elephant. I wouldn't have emailed. I wouldn't have said some things I said. I actually pushed myself to finish my scrapbook so I could show her (thank god I hadn't done it yet). If I had known it was so typical for her, these last six months of my life would have been so different.

I could barely talk the rest of the session. We sat in so much silence. When I asked her what she was thinking about, she said just then that she was wondering what to get for lunch. WTF!!!!!! Are you serious??!!!

I must be the most pathetic person alive to have been working so hard to acknowledge and accept that a therapy relationship exists while she was just being a cold ****ing robot.

I got 20 minutes into my drive home before I started crying hysterically. I could barely see the road. I kept wishing some tractor trailer would side-swipe me so I could die. I haven't cried like this since my grandmother died.

I just want to go away. I want to hurt or break something. Normally, I would use food to cope, but it just does not seem like enough. I've never done it, but I want to hurt myself more than that this time.

I want to quit right now. I don't know how I can ever face this. How can I ever be vulnerable to a woman like this. She's so cold. I don't think I can tolerate. But if I quit....she just gets to think I can't face anything. I wish I could hurt her like she's hurt me (no, I would not actually do this).

I just wish I could die. why won't something just happen to me. I don't know what to do. I keep crying. how the hell can i be vulnerable when I can't even tell if she cares about me more than a rock

I'm so sorry. This sounds really horrible. I wish I had words to make you feel better, but I can only suggest you tell her how her apparent lack of concern/caring made you feel?

::huggs::

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

I'm so sorry. This sounds really horrible. I wish I had words to make you feel better, but I can only suggest you tell her how her apparent lack of concern/caring made you feel?

::huggs::

Yeah. That is probably the mature thing to do. I feel like she'd find some way to make me feel stupid for having this reaction too. Right now, I just want to quit. Idk how I am supposed to cope with this. I just started grad school and a brand new job this very same week. And my grandmother's been in the hospital.

I wish more people were on the board right now. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I feel so lost. The crying keeps coming back.

[pbutton]

She said the emails weren't proof that she cared. But she didn't necessarily say that she didn't care, right?

[WikidPissah]

(((fix))) i know it's a big blow, but that's the nature of the T relationship...they are human. It's so hard to remember that. I am sorry you are hurting, can you send her this post? It would be good to let her know you are hurt.

[Crescent Moon]

I'm just floored, Fixated. Well.. I think that woman told you 'bout everything you need to know. Her lack of caring is NOT a statement about you. You aren't the fool - she is. I'd say it sounds like she's got serious issues with intimacy herself. She doesn't deserve to be your therapist, and I'm hoping you'll look for another one who is more interested in really being a therapist.

[anilam]

Fixated I know it's hard but can't you see it like she cares for all of her clients?
She's not a robot, she cares and she's just being a good T caring for her clients.
Give yourself time to process that, maybe even grief if you need to but don't do anything rash right now.
And with the lunch thing- I'd appreciate the honesty, however, she obviously wasn't being much empathetic and could handle the situation better.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by pbutton

She said the emails weren't proof that she cared. But she didn't necessarily say that she didn't care, right?

She might have said that that didn't mean she didn't care, but at that point all the blood was rushing to my head and I was just trying not to cry.

In light of this revelation, I don't understand what caring means in this context. If she cares for all her clients, and hasn't done anything special for me....I don't see how it's really caring. It's just how she does her job.

[pbutton]

I think it's interesting that you see a connection between doing something different just for you & caring. She can care about all of her clients. There's not a limited amount of caring to be had. Her job is caring.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

(((fix))) i know it's a big blow, but that's the nature of the T relationship...they are human. It's so hard to remember that. I am sorry you are hurting, can you send her this post? It would be good to let her know you are hurt.

I don't think I can send her this post, but maybe I can write something. Idk. I don't want to cross any boundaries when she doesn't cross them. I don't want to make a further fool of myself.

Your T isn't saying she doesn't care about you. She's just explaining that emails are a part of the therapy, that is doesn't all just happen within her office, and she keeps emails on file as part of the documentation. That isn't out of the ordinary. As a teacher I keep every bit of correspondence with students and parents for documentation purposes. That IS caring; she was just saying it isn't some kind of "proof" of anything.

Try thinking of other ways your T shows caring besides the emails: attentive listening, consistency, etc. Those are also evidence of her caring. It sounds like she was just trying to help you get a little perspective that proof of caring IS in the entirety of therapy and not dependent on any kind of "special" act.

Why is this email thing so important to you? Why do you "need" it to serve as "proof" of her caring? What is keeping you from believing in her caring in each and every session? It just seems like you are giving this more personal meaning than it really is in reality I guess.

[pbutton]

I think of it like this - don't you ever watch a movie and become invested in the characters? Does it matter how many prior movies you've ever watched?

T's listen to our stories and try to help us. They watch us grow. It's human nature to care. I care about people on this board & I'm not even the kind of person who'd pick a job helping people.

[rainbow8]

I'm so sorry, fixated. I've told my Ts often that they "shatter my dreams". But I think your T could have shattered yours in a more compassionate way. Or not shattered them at all.

I think she told you too much. There's honesty and then there's stupidity. I'm not sure if your T is uncaring, incompetent, or just plain blunt like my former T was. I know my current T cares about me and would never say some of the things your T told you. Your T probably does care but thinks she is helping you stay in reality by being so honest. I know that hurts.

I suggest going back and talking with her about your reactions. Then you can tell if she really is cold and uncaring, or if she apologizes or gives you reasons for her apparent coldness. Then you can decide what to do. In the meantime, can you distract yourself? I know you want to obsess and are miserable. I have been like that about Ts too. One thing to know. You are NOT a fool! Even if your T treats all her clients the same way about emailing, it doesn't make you a fool. She also could care about ALL of her clients, and each one CAN be special.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think it's interesting that you see a connection between doing something different just for you & caring. She can care about all of her clients. There's not a limited amount of caring to be had.

I'm not trying to be difficult, and it may just be my crying addled mind, but I don't understand what you mean. If she cares about all her clients, then it isn't even about me....it's just how she acts. I don't see any evidence of caring.

Ugh...my rational mind is coming back a bit. Of course this has something to do with childhood. I want to be special to my T. I thought the email was saying I meant something to her. I've never felt special. I've always longed for it.

[pbutton]

It kind of sounds more like you want to be her favorite client, more than wanting her to care about you. Is her caring not enough, if it is also something she gives to other people?

Originally Posted by Fixated

I'm not trying to be difficult, and it may just be my crying addled mind, but I don't understand what you mean. If she cares about all her clients, then it isn't even about me....it's just how she acts. I don't see any evidence of caring.

Ugh...my rational mind is coming back a bit. Of course this has something to do with childhood. I want to be special to my T. I thought the email was saying I meant something to her. I've never felt special. I've always longed for it.

Just because she would do the same for other clients doesn't mean she doesn't care about you as an individual. I have 80 students and there are many things I would do for each and every one of them BECAUSE I care. Yes, it is part of my job, BUT not all teachers do the same things I would even do for their students. I DO care. Your T does care. And yes, she cares for many clients. Those other clients don't negate you.

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Why is this email thing so important to you? Why do you "need" it to serve as "proof" of her caring? What is keeping you from believing in her caring in each and every session? It just seems like you are giving this more personal meaning than it really is in reality I guess.

This all happened (the email offer) a day before I left to backpack alone for five months. It was one of the first times I actually felt cared about by T. This stuck with me so much on my trip. I thought about it and the therapy relationship so much because of this catalyst. I felt if T was going to go out on this limb and offer for me to email, I was going to try and accept the therapy relationship. It was a lot of intense soul searching.

It just seems like it was all based on nothing now.

[tooski]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I'm not trying to be difficult, and it may just be my crying addled mind, but I don't understand what you mean. If she cares about all her clients, then it isn't even about me....it's just how she acts. I don't see any evidence of caring.

Ugh...my rational mind is coming back a bit. Of course this has something to do with childhood. I want to be special to my T. I thought the email was saying I meant something to her. I've never felt special. I've always longed for it.

There it is ----- therapy is happening. Sometimes we have to go through a lot of pain to get to insights, maybe because we need to feel things before we get the intellectual insight. Just because your T cares about others too doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, like other posters have said. The problem is a kind of black and white thinking: if you're not special, then there's no caring at all. This is the problem!

I can feel the pain in your post, and I've had this happen to me a couple of times. Extremely painful experiences, followed by a realization. Really, couldn't therapy be easier and more intellectual???

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. I hope you tell your T how this has made you feel. There's something to be learned here. If you feel consistently that she is not caring, then maybe get another T. But it sounds like you've experienced a real punch in the gut that has sent you reeling. I just want to let you know I've experienced it too, and it was more about childhood stuff than the actual present. I got through it, and you can too.

[anilam]

I think a good T should choose the clients she/he cares about and can feel some connection with them. But I agree with pbutton sounds more that you need to be her favorite client. It's really common (just read the thread here) but I think it's important to figure why is this that important to you.

[Fixated]

tooski, thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I am starting to feel a little more stable. Not in as much of a crisis, at least right now.

anilam & pbutton, I want to reply to you, but I don't know what to say. I want to lash out that it isn't about wanting to be T's favorite...that it's about her coldness. Is therapy just about being wrong all of the time?

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think it's interesting that you see a connection between doing something different just for you & caring. She can care about all of her clients. There's not a limited amount of caring to be had. Her job is caring.

pbutton makes a really good point here, Fixated. Just like my heart is big enough to love all three of my children, no doubt therapists' hearts are big enough to care about multiple clients. Now... I guess we have to figure out exactly what 'caring' means. I suppose listening to a client talk about their concerns, and using your expertise to help them figure out a plan, etc., could be called an act of caring. That is definitely their job. However, I think that when a therapist and client really establish a close, therapeutic bond, it goes further than what's part of their job.. into the realm of affection. If a therapist sits with me for an hour, listens and responds appropriately to my concerns - that's their job. But I know that my therapist thinks about me outside of session. When she knows I'm not in good shape - or if I send her an email that is especially distressed - she'll call me right away - and I'll find out in session that she thought about me outside of session. That is the sort of thing that goes further. It's also the look in her eyes that I get lots of times.. where I can visibly see that she delights in hearing about something good that came my way - or in hearing me describe some kind of relationship thing I've got going. She delights in me. That's huge. I see it in her smile too. And affection. When her voice gets real tender. Where she makes sure that I can feel the relationship 'holding' me. There's no way to pay for those things. But when it's there, it catapults the therapeutic relationship into a hugely healing force.

I am a healthcare provider (not mental health, though). I provide a lot of 'caring' type attention. My patients are children. I believe I exhibit an equal amount of caring, whether they are difficult or easy. I put myself in their shoes in order to figure out what's going on with the nonverbal patients, in order to help them get through the procedures I perform. But there are some patients, from time to time, that I am just drawn to like a magnet. One in particular, I'll never, ever forget. When she first met me she just jumped up in my lap and clung to me. Light as a feather, and the cuddliest little thing. Her first night with us was awful for her.. she had seizures all night long. I was there for the first eleven before I turned her over to the night crew. I got home, but never went to sleep because I worried about her all night long, and I was in a hurry to get back the next morning to check on her. She was with us almost a week. Before she checked out, her mom took a picture of me with her. She came back to the ER repeatedly over the next several months because seizures broke through her meds. Her mom always tracked me down - she texts me when they are inpatient, and keeps me posted on how she's doing. Finally found some medication success, so she hasn't been inpatient for about two months, but I still think about her. She's got a spot in my heart... and I think it will always be there. I got attached to her. And there are a few other kids I've had similar feelings for. I am not mechanical with any of the kids & families - but there are some that weasel their way inside me and find a spot that belongs to them. It just happens. So I care about ALL of my patients, but with some of them, it goes further.. into a realm of affection. I don't know exactly how it works.. but I think it's similar with therapy.

There's a 'business' care, and then there are clients/patients who *get* your heart. I think I'm fortunate enough to have that with my therapist, and I know how powerful it is. I would wish that for everyone. And if you think it would make a difference to you - then there is no harm in searching until you find a therapist who you just *click* with. Only thing is.. that it takes time to find out. I didn't just *click* with my therapist. She was "adequate" in my mind initially. I had no clue what it was to get and be attached to a therapist. She worked to earn my trust, and then she worked to earn and maintain therapeutic intimacy. Somewhere in all of that, I got attached.. and she worked to maintain that too. Maybe some of it is because she invested so much. I was a challenge. And she has really seen some enormous growth. I hope she allows herself to feel good about her contribution to that. But anyway.. point is.. that I think everyone deserves to have it.. but it's not really something that is part of what you're paying for. You can't buy an affectionate feeling from anyone. but it's marvelous to have.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Fixated

anilam & pbutton, I want to reply to you, but I don't know what to say. I want to lash out that it isn't about wanting to be T's favorite...that it's about her coldness. Is therapy just about being wrong all of the time?

For me, the desire to lash out is usually right when someone is pointing out something that I don't want to admit to myself. One time I sat and stared at a post and was so enraged I could barely see. I think it was something Sannah said to me. She was totally on the right track and it ended up being something that helped me a lot.

I hope this is the case for you & that we're not just enraging you for the wrong reasons. I think people are trying to say that it's a pretty big leap between being treated like all the other clients she cares about & being treated coldly.

[Miswimmy1]

I'm so sorry I can imagine how awful u must feel. And you are not a fool for loving someone and caring about them and then having your heart broken. That is a norrmal reaction for any person. The therapeutic relationship is so difficult. It really is. There are so many things that would make it seem like a really really great personal relationship. Hang in there. I know it feels like the world is crashing down around you. Ive been there. Trust your gut- I wouldn't abandon your relationship that you have built with your t. I think although it can be rocky, u are strong enough to make it through.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Fixated

I'm not trying to be difficult, and it may just be my crying addled mind, but I don't understand what you mean. If she cares about all her clients, then it isn't even about me....it's just how she acts. I don't see any evidence of caring.

Ugh...my rational mind is coming back a bit. Of course this has something to do with childhood. I want to be special to my T. I thought the email was saying I meant something to her. I've never felt special. I've always longed for it.

Fixated - I get what you're saying "it's just how she acts. I don't see any evidence of caring." Here you were, in session, obviously having a tough time processing what you were hearing her say. You ask what she's thinking about.. which is a tentative attempt to reach out to your therapist - and she says she is thinking about lunch? wtf !? I don't get that at all. I also don't get her seeing you transform before her eyes.. surely she could tell that you were shaken.. and she just lets you walk out?? That's unbelievable. She should have been highly attentive to you upon realizing that you were getting responses from her that were much different than you expected.. she should have recognized that you were crestfallen.. and then she should have been working to make sure you knew how much she cared.. after first inquiring as to what it was that was causing your retreat.

So I think you accurately interpreted her behavior.

[pbutton]

How did you react when you were in session? The reason I ask is because T told me once that he doesn't know what I am thinking when I sit in silence.