I told T at last session that I feel like I'm worse off than I was last summer. But I was suprised when T confirmed for me that I am worse.

He said ever since my H started therapy that its opened up the idea that my H will change and T thinks I keep opening up my heart for him to trample on over and over again...

T says my H is too unstable yet for me to expect change and that I need to have better boundaries with H to protect my emotions/heart... He said I need to try to get my emotional needs met with relationships outside of the marriage... ie friendships

So T wanted me to give him a few examples of ways H has hurt me in past...so of course I come up with the easy ones to talk about like scheduling with the kids or sharing of house work... so we talked about boundaries that would work in those situations...

Now T wants me to make a list of other ways H hurts me so we can discuss next session... I know what the biggest source of hurt is but I don't know if I can discuss it with T...

Has anyone talked with their T about boundaries with their SO? Has changing boundaries helped your relationship? Does anyone discuss their se-ual relationships with T? Did it help?

Yes to all your questions. T has been really helpful in working on issues in my marriage. He is my husband's T also, so he is quite aware of our relationship from all angles. Why not talk to your T about the biggest source of hurt in your marriage. Sounds like important work to be done.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Why not talk to your T about the biggest source of hurt in your marriage. Sounds like important work to be done.

I agree! Whatever you can't say to T, that's what you need to say.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I agree! Whatever you can't say to T, that's what you need to say.

I've found this to be SO true.

It would be so hard to even begin to talk to T about my s_x life with my H. My H is a recovering porn addict (just found out last year although its been going on for over 20 years)

ughhh it would be so ackward... I'm not even sure what is "normal" since nothing about our s_x life has ever been just about s_x... Its been meted out to me like a reward and punishment... sometimes I feel like I let myself be used... no matter how H treats me, I comply.

I can't even imagine what would be boundaries in that area...

Ready ... Sex is such a weird area, but if there is something going on your not comfortable with then yes speak up....talk to T , you have a choice.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

ughhh it would be so ackward... I'm not even sure what is "normal" since nothing about our s_x life has ever been just about s_x... Its been meted out to me like a reward and punishment... sometimes I feel like I let myself be used... no matter how H treats me, I comply.

I can't even imagine what would be boundaries in that area...

I think this would be a great place to start. This explains so clearly how you feel, and it is not hard to understand that this would have a big impact on you.

You don't have to talk about the details of how and what you do, but I think the feelings you have are really important. But therapists are used to talking about sex with people. IME he reacts like I am talking about cooking dinner, completely unflappable while I'm like hemming and hawing and having trouble getting out the words "I was having s*x with my H and . . . . "

Give it a try. You can start just by talking about how awkward you imagine it would be, if you started talking about s*x. Or you could start by reading those few sentences in your post-- they are very powerful in revealing how you feel. I just think it might really help you.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Yes to all your questions. T has been really helpful in working on issues in my marriage. He is my husband's T also, so he is quite aware of our relationship from all angles. Why not talk to your T about the biggest source of hurt in your marriage. Sounds like important work to be done.

Thanks Chris... Its so weird when you've grown up in a dysfunctional family... you have no concept of normal. Then since you didn't figure any of that out by going to T...you marry a person who is not normal and you create your own dysfunctional family... then you go to T to try to fix it and its like I have no concept of what is normal...

I sometimes worry to say something because he might say... well why do you....? and I'll be all you mean I have a choice not to... I thought that was just part of the deal being married? And I feel all weirded out like I did when I talked about my childhood... I thought it was all normal and didn't think much about it and all of sudden my T is talking about abusive home and etc...

Then when you add in that sometimes when I tell him something my H has done or worse hasn't done (like completely ignoring my BD) and I sound angry but really am hurt ... I look up and T is tearing up.. I don't need his pity... just hard

btw I've missed being here on PC... hope school is off to a good start!

[WikidPissah]

(((ready))) I hope you find the strength to talk with T about it. Clear boundaries in my marriage have been crucial.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Then when you add in that sometimes when I tell him something my H has done or worse hasn't done (like completely ignoring my BD) and I sound angry but really am hurt ... I look up and T is tearing up.. I don't need his pity... just hard

You may be misinterpreting empathy as pity. They are very different. Empathy is understanding how someone else could be hurt, but it is treating someone as an equal. Pity is supposedly feeling bad for someone, but looking down on them as less than you; it's really about feeling good about yourself.

Sometimes allowing someone else to have their feelings of compassion and understanding for you is the first step towards feeling those things for yourself too.

For myself, feeling centered and authentic and autonomous in my s*xuality and activity has been one of the most important parts of my healing. Having a partner who respects that has also been important.

I think it will really help you if you talk about this to your T. Yes, it seems hard and it very well may be excruciating. However, it might be one of those things where anticipating talking about it is actually much worse than doing it.

Thanks Anne... glad you are back.