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  #26  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 03:09 PM
Anonymous32517
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Oh, I make eye contact. Lots of eye contact. Sometimes for as long as three seconds at a time. I try to do it more but I find it intimidating. (Not that he looks or is particularly intimidating, really. I'm just not very brave.
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  #27  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 03:11 PM
Anonymous32517
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trdleblue View Post
If I feel like someone knows me a bit too much then I have trouble looking right at them. It's almost like I know that they will know I'm a fraud if they see my eyes.
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting it into words.
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  #28  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster View Post
.......or if he starts pontificating, I will entertain myself looking at his extreme arm muscles. Hey, he's the one wearing the tight t-shirt.
LOL!!! Good ploy! My T is prone to pontificating at times (he teaches graduate psychology courses) and when he does, I entertain myself by mentally drooling over various aspects of his physical appearance. Hey, they deserve it! If they're going to pontificate, then our attention is going to wander, right?
  #29  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 03:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tooski View Post
If they're going to pontificate, then our attention is going to wander, right?
I have a very low threshold for pontificating. to be fair, he starts yawning when I start droning, so I guess we're even
  #30  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 04:13 PM
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When I'm talking about really hard topics I look in his eyes, look away, look in his eyes, look away. My eyes are all over the place.

But we have a connection where we are able to hold each others gaze. He seems to want to hold my gaze and it's very intense but also very accepting and beautiful. After we have a deep or profound conversation we just look in each others eyes silently for a bit. He can hold my gaze longer than I can him.

It makes me feel very close to him.
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  #31  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 05:36 PM
autotelica autotelica is offline
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It's not good. I have a hard time talking to her and also looking at her face. So I'll often to turn to the window so her face isn't even in my periphery.

I am getting better, though. At least that's what she says.

Last edited by autotelica; Sep 05, 2012 at 06:48 PM.
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  #32  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 06:40 PM
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Nightlight Nightlight is offline
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I've always been very shy and I found therapy so hard at first that it was almost impossible. So I'm not really sure why I don't struggle with eye contact while so many others do. I've noticed that I'll look away if I'm saying something that's very embarrassing or that I'm ashamed of, but otherwise I think I'm pretty good. I think it helps the connection, but maybe that's just me and my T, and what I need. I think sometimes after she has said something I don't believe of myself, or perhaps after I've shared shared something difficult occasionally T will maintain eye contact with me for a few long seconds without saying anything. I think I then really feel she is genuine (and perhaps emphasising what she just said), or for a few seconds she is really with me where ever I am (and she knows, she gets it).
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  #33  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 08:38 PM
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It really depends on T's proximity to me. If we're on opposite ends of the room I make eye contact. If T is in arms length then there's no hope of eye contact. The more nervous I am the smaller I get in my chair and the faster I slide my necklace charm around.
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  #34  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 09:14 PM
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
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Somewhere in the past year and a half I have switched from rarely making eye contact to rarely not making eye contact. Like others, it is my habit to look away when I am talking about something shameful, sometimes just something upsetting.

But now I really pretty much dig eye contact, because he is always looking back at me. And I see things, in his eyes, in his face, that I used to miss. Like tenderness, and appreciation of my positive qualities, and understanding, and respect. Sometimes there's some kind of almost electric exchange when our respective gazes connect, not in a sexual way like with my H, but almost as if his devoted attention to me in his eye contact is altering the neurological circuits in my brain. I'm not sure anyone has ever looked at me quite like the way he does-- there are times when my H looks at me that make me feel very loved, or adored, but it feels more wholistic with my T, as if he is really seeing me, how far I've come from where I've been.

Oh, what's interesting that you (pbutton) said about eye contact is that the research on nonverbals on who looks at who suggests that-- more powerful people make eye contact when they are talking, but not listening. So one part of your eye contact (looking at him when he's talking) suggests you see yourself as a less powerful person, but the other part (looking at him while you are talking) suggests that you see yourself as the more powerful person. I have no idea if that means anything terribly important but just felt like mentioning it.
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  #35  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 09:39 PM
Healingchild Healingchild is offline
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we just sit there not talking but making eye contact and just being in the connection.

Wow!
  #36  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 09:42 PM
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critterlady critterlady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Healingchild View Post
we just sit there not talking but making eye contact and just being in the connection.
My previous T and I did that sometimes. It was pretty intense.
  #37  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 09:44 PM
KazzaX KazzaX is offline
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The only time I make eye contact is when I get into my "aggressive mode" and am intimidating the therapist. It hasn't happened with this T so far but previous T's have told me I look scary. My eyes go black and I stare right into them as im talking and apparently I dont even blink, haha. Other than that, I have no need for eye contact so I don't do it.
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  #38  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 10:00 PM
Healingchild Healingchild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis-within View Post
Eye contact is about the connection for me as well. In the beginning I closed my eyes more, but now when I'm talking I'm looking at her directly. Unless I'm doing an active imagination of course, then my eyes are closed. I do love the connection though. Where sometimes we just sit there not talking but making eye contact and just being in the connection. that's a biggie for me, being able to do that comfortably.
Sorry, I didn't say that. My fault. Haven't learned how to quote in different ways. Artemis-within said it. I just said "Wow!" I have a long way to go as far as eye contact goes.
  #39  
Old Sep 05, 2012, 10:43 PM
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I have trouble making eye contact with most people but my T is an exception. I've learned that I feel good when I look into her eyes. She has very pretty eyes. When I'm telling her something difficult, I usually look down or gaze at some point on the wall, or close my eyes. But when I do look at her, I feel an amazing connection. It's scary, intense, and wonderful all at the same time.
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  #40  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 12:34 AM
Healingchild Healingchild is offline
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I'm reading these responses and it sounds intense, scary, vulnerable and weird. I can understand gazing into your love partner's eyes but to sit there gazing into your T's eyes in silence seems weird. I don't know how to explain or put it into words how I feel about it. That's just me though.
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  #41  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 01:29 AM
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When I started, it took an effort of will to look her in the eye.
(This was even more true at Group.)

I still sometimes look away, but I'm more likely to close my eyes if I want to break contact.
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  #42  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 02:33 AM
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emptyspace emptyspace is offline
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.

This video is amazing. It is called the Still Face Experiment. It shows the power of connection between mom and baby. The professor talks for a couple seconds and then the mom and baby come on. The power of connection and the pain it brings baby when it is lost is overwhelming.

Eyes are about attachment.

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  #43  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 03:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Healingchild View Post
we just sit there not talking but making eye contact and just being in the connection.

Wow!
I do this sometimes. And sometimes I'm just thinking how beautiful she is or how much I love her.
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  #44  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 08:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Healingchild View Post
I'm reading these responses and it sounds intense, scary, vulnerable and weird. I can understand gazing into your love partner's eyes but to sit there gazing into your T's eyes in silence seems weird. I don't know how to explain or put it into words how I feel about it. That's just me though.

Yep, I feel this way too.
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  #45  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 08:47 AM
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gazing....ACK...that get's me all "stopdogish".

ex T...two years and I never once looked directly at him. I joke that I wouldn't recognize him in public...but it's real.

The one I have been seeing the past few weeks I have been able to make eye contact with. It's the glance-look away sort of thing. I can look for a bit while she's speaking, but when I am speaking I look away.

I can't look my mother in the eyes at all.

Professionally, I have excellent eye contact. When dealing with a client I am very much in control and direct. I am very sure of myself when I am in my professional mask.
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  #46  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 10:40 AM
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AngelWolf3 AngelWolf3 is offline
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Um. What is this thing you speak of, eye contact? But seriously, I do try. But I can't bring myself to look right in her eyes. It is that presentation mode that an earlier poster spoke of that I relate to. I usually look at her nose, or her forehead so it looks like I am looking in her eyes when she speaks to me.

Now, when I speak to her...(nervous chuckle) I look at the floor, or the ceiling, or around the room, or at my hands...anywhere but AT her. Maybe someday, lol.
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  #47  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 11:38 AM
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seventyeight seventyeight is offline
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making eye-contact in therapy has been an issue for me since the beginning. we've even had sessions where we talk about my struggle with making eye-contact! it's gotten better, but it's still not what i'd like it to be. i just find it really intense to look at my therapist.

there was a period however, when i really needed to look at her. i don't know if it was after not seeing her for a while or after sharing something big with her, but i would say, "can i just look at you for a minute?" and she would nod or say yes and then we would just lock eyes. it's one of the most intense things i've ever experienced. i have no idea what i look like, but she gets this really serious look on her face and it's like she's looking though me. i can't really see anything but her eyes and her chest moving up and down as she breathes. sometimes even our breathing is in sync, and that just takes it over the top!

sheesh. i'm getting all nervous and out of sorts just writing about this!
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  #48  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 11:52 AM
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SilverGlitter SilverGlitter is offline
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This is my first proper post here and I'm really scared that I'm going to do it wrong...
but eye contact is a big thing with me so I really want to post here.

If it's general light chatting, I can glance at her every so often and she tells me that she likes when I look at her because then she knows she hasn't lost me to my own thoughts.

But when we're having hard discussions, I can't look at her. She sometimes asks me to look at her, to try and ground me. It takes a bit of gentle encouragement on her part for a while but when I finally decide to trust her and look up, all I can see is warmth and caring and safeness. That's what it's like for me when I make eye contact with her - like I'm safe and like she is doing everything she can to show me just how deeply she cares about me and how I'm feeling.
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  #49  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverGlitter View Post
This is my first proper post here and I'm really scared that I'm going to do it wrong...
but eye contact is a big thing with me so I really want to post here.

If it's general light chatting, I can glance at her every so often and she tells me that she likes when I look at her because then she knows she hasn't lost me to my own thoughts.

But when we're having hard discussions, I can't look at her. She sometimes asks me to look at her, to try and ground me. It takes a bit of gentle encouragement on her part for a while but when I finally decide to trust her and look up, all I can see is warmth and caring and safeness. That's what it's like for me when I make eye contact with her - like I'm safe and like she is doing everything she can to show me just how deeply she cares about me and how I'm feeling.
Hi Glitter!
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  #50  
Old Sep 06, 2012, 11:41 PM
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i'm fairly certain my therapist can read my thoughts thru looking into my eyeballs
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