[delicatefade26]

Hey Ya'll

So I saw T this evening and I was really anxious about it all day-I even emailed T today and told him I was a little bit scared-and to let him know I needed help tonight in talking...He wrote back "It will be OK
So when I saw him tonight-he did something that makes me just laugh and smile and be thankful he is my T...he stuck his head into the little waiting area and he goes "boo" and was like "are you scared?" and I said "stoppp it...shutup" haha and he laughed.
Then we got into some pretty serious stuff quickly...it was an extremely intense session..and I'm exhausted. At one point we were talking about some trauma stuff-mostly about my feelings about myself (I can't bring myself to type this kind of thing out yet) but I was able to tell him A LOT tonight...I couldn't believe it. Okay...so here is where I get confused and where T is trying to help me figure things out. I know that I dissociate and get into spaces where I don't feel real...and there are times (like tonight-where I feel like myself-but not who I am right now...it's so weird-like while I was talking tonight I felt "myself" slip away and I'm in a place where I feel different-but "she" only comes out when I'm with T...so while I was crying really hard and T was sitting next to me and I was holding his hand-he asked me "How old do you feel right now" and a part of me wanted to answer him-but I just said I didn't know...and started crying and saying I don't know...he said something about needing to know what exactly is going on-to know what we are working with...which made me cry even more-because I don't know exaclty-its all so confusing. There are times when I think or do things that feel like I have no control over them-but I always remain there...aware..T asked if i can always hear him-and I can...I know he is trying to figure out if there is some DID I guess...but I've told him I don't think I do-because I don't lose time-I do have moments of extremely fragmentation and not feeling real-and stuff-but outside of T-I mostly keep it together...and until we started talking about certain things-these fragments never came out...so I just don't know...T told me "it's okay to not know...that's what we are working on"-He thinks a part of me gets scared he will leave if I let him know exaclty what is going on...and that's part of it...but then my mind will start spinning and I will think-I don't think any of this is real...I'm all me I don't have DID just some dissociation and fragmentation but there is such a switch sometimes in front of T-he says its very distinct a times...so there is definitely something going on there-but I just don't know...and I know this should probably be in a different section but i don't know anyone in other forums...I don't even know what I'm looking for...I wish someone would be able to get inside my brain and know...but regardless my T said it wouldn't change anything...so that is a comfort.
Thanks for reading...and any advice on how to figure this out would be great...but I'm so tired from telling T things tonight...I just want to sleep...so I'll have to try later!! g'night

[adel34]

Hi Delicate,
Sounds like a good but intense session.
I don't know anything about discosiation, but just wanted to write and say I hope others can help you with this. And your t sounds great! I'm sure whatever it is he'll be there for you.

[Sannah]

Hi dfade, good work! Being up front with T about how you were feeling anxious was really good and I think that it helped you do good work in session. You and T will figure this out. Trust the process.

delicatefade, you had such a productive session... I don't know what it all means and I don't have any advice to give but just to say reading about your session was inspirational... its so good you can let your T see you...all of you...your emotions whether you understand them or not...that is no easy feat...