[~EnlightenMe~]

Dear xT,

I went to see a therapist that you suggested and it was only our first session, but he seems to be kind and knowledgeable.

I know I have been enraged to the point of no return about our ending, and I know that probably the last six months or so of the therapeutic relationship was not so therapeutic or enjoyable for either one of us.

I want you to know that even though I went through the rage that I still care about you and I still miss our sessions, the ones before the rupture that ended my therapy. I am so hurt and sad over losing you and from knowing that I contributed to the end.

I wanted to have a last session where we talked and remembered about the positive things in the relationship, but I will just write it here instead. I really miss having someone that I trust like I trusted you. I miss having so much trust in you, that when I was having difficulty trusting you between sessions, that I trusted that you would be there for me when I called and most often impart some sort of wisdom or say something comforting. And you did. I miss sitting on my couch in the waiting room, I hope you are taking good care of it!

One of my favorite things you did was when you took the Philip Bromberg book home and read it after I brought it in to you. I loved that you didn't feel self-conscious about me bringing in a book from another therapist and that you used it to strengthen the therapeutical relationship. I felt intellectually validated, and I felt like I was a co-creator in my own therapy and that you were on board. I suspect that talking psychology was one way that I tried to connect with you, so thank you for humoring me.

I remember that after year one, you said, "You mean the world to me." which meant the world to me. I know that I asked you probably every month or so for quite a few years if you still felt that way. I wish I could have asked you at our last session and had you say that yes, you still feel this way - and have you mean it.

I loved it when you told me to flip the switch, meaning to turn on the fan, but I knew it was your code for me to flip the switch in my brain to a different emotion; and I called you on it. lol. You said, "No, I was just hot." BUT you had a smile on your face. lol

I really appreciated it when you told me that we both needed to accept my neediness. I asked you, "You know that means you have to change." and you said, "Yes." I am very sincere here, I knew that you truly meant what you said at the time. I truly believe that if you had known how to do this, and if your issues had allowed you to do this, that it would have been done. Your intentions still mean so much to me now, even when I say different things when in rages. I don't think you will ever understand this, that behind my rage is pain. Sometimes you saw my rage as devaluating, but it wasn't, because if I had devalued you, I could have detached from you and left. It was personalized, but it truly wasn't personal - that's what they call transference I guess.

Thank you for staying by my side for 7 years. I feel ungreatful that I'm angry about the termination, but I accept that I am. I wish that you had gotten to really know me, and not just my defenses and ugliness. You will never get to know the real me, and I had so hoped you would. Thank you for your kindness, empathy, and compassion when there was nothing but darkness. Thank you for taking the time to help me when no others would even consider it. As Ghandi said, "I will carry you with me always." I wish you the best in your endeavors and set you free from any chains that bind you from our therapeutical relationship. Your are a brilliant therapist and a wonderful person. Our movie ended with us both going crazy and maybe acting in ways that weren't true to ourselves or to the therapeutical relationship. We should have known our ending would be none other than remarkably theatrical. . .

Antimatter

P.S.: I reserve the right to call you xMachiavelliT not because it defines you as a whole (only some of your actions) but it's so perfectly dramatic that I just can't help myself. It's one of my favorite creations made from rage.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I tried more than once to delete this from my phone but couldn't. I feel so vulnerable, like I have accepted the therapeutical demise, when I actually haven't. God help me make it through this.

It's a great letter and its a step in the right direction. You may have lost your T..but the show must go on. Life:Act II

[adel34]

Hi Antimatter,
I agree with Lola. Great letter! And such a great step for you.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Thank you, and I really meant all of it. Last night, I think, I posted another enraged termination post, and I hope I got it out of my system. Was it like an infant/toddler rage? ABSOLUTELY, no doubt. I accept that a part of me is a child and I am not ashamed of this. I admit it and welcome it with open arms. I will no longer hate myself for things that are out of my control. I will no longer beat myself up because I want to hurt myself more than others do. I will no longer deny myself wholeness, and will find it myself. I plan on seeing the new therapist for help along the way, but I agree with my oldT that attaching might not be such a good idea. Plus, I have trust issues in regard to a new T. no matter who it would be. I am my own protector and I deserve to be whole. I hope this state lasts.