[rainbow8]

I'm ashamed and embarrassed about what's going in my therapy lately. I know my T understands and doesn't judge me, but this "body" stuff maybe is too difficult for me. At the same time, I think it's good for me and my T says repeatedly that I'm too much in my head.

I'm ashamed of my pattern--my feelings for her, and that she knows all about them. I'm ashamed of breaking the email rule, and for calling her and sounding so pathetic on the phone.

I know I shouldn't judge myself, and that I'm in an important stage of therapy but I can't help feeling so embarrassed about it all. I feel so exposed, like my T is looking at me with no clothes on.

I go from being terribly angry with her to feeling very depressed. I want to go to therapy but I don't. I don't want to face all of these feelings. I don't want my T to see me this way.

[Chopin99]

Do not be ashamed of what is happening in your therapy, because I think what you are going through is a period of tremendous growth. She is doing the body work to get you out of your head. My T does not do this with me, but encourages me to exercise, get out of the house (or work on occasion), and be with other people to get me out of my head. Friday before last, I had to ask a friend to please not leave me alone and help me stay out of my head, which was not a good place to be that day. He did. Stayed with me at work and talked with me for 3 hours. When his wife got off work, she joined us, and when H got off work, we went out for dinner. It is good to be out of our heads sometimes.

Also, I've told you already not to beat yourself up over the email and phone call. You made what you feel is a mistake. Don't beat yourself up over it. Move on. I emailed my T several times the week that ended the Friday I mentioned above; however, I tried not to email over her weekend. So when I apologized for emailing so much, she said she appreciated that I did not continue over the weekend. Really, it's all par for the course. Even the part about feeling "naked" in front of T is normal. T assured me of that; it happens to almost anyone when they disclose information they are ashamed of for any reason.

I think we are in similar places in therapy right now. For three weeks, I was having angry crying fits following session, then I would be depressed until I went back...rinse and repeat. T finally confronted me and asked what was I not accepting. She said childhood fits happen when we don't get our way. She said adults (herself included) can be "brats" too. She was right. I was not accepting that for whatever reason, I perceived her to be distant when she was not. I was projecting my mother's behavior onto her.

I understand not wanting to appear that way to T; however, what I am learning is that her acceptance of me wherever I'm at is unending. She has an uncanny sense of discernment when it comes to people's motivations, and because of that, she is certain I am putting forth an effort to change. Knowing this, she is patient through my setbacks, stumbles, and outright stubbornness.

However, I do tell her on occasion that my "crazy" embarrasses me.

[layla11]

Hi, I feel this way alot also. Just wanted to say your not alone.

[granite1]

i think you are doing awsome rain you are trying differnt things and also giving the DBT group a try.good for you girl keep it up .i'm sure your T feels the same way

[Anne2.0]

I think that you might find yourself unexpectedly moving forward if you would accept that this is difficult for you and that this is the way you feel RIGHT NOW. How you feel will change, especially if you can find the kindness and compassion to accept where you are right now.

[rainbow_rose]

Rainbow, i really like what Chopin wrote ... i would add try not to resist what you are feeling right now... in my experience, resistance tends magnify the feelings i am having. you recognize how not judging how you feel can help ... just don't add the 'but'. there is no 'but'. you feel how you feel and that's ok. it's all a part of your process.

keep workin' hard and learning and growing, rainbow.

have you done any art lately?

It is hard to face these feelings, let alone let someone else in on them. But we do keep on going. I think because underneath all the ego mess we know this other person is trustworthy and understands.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Do not be ashamed of what is happening in your therapy, because I think what you are going through is a period of tremendous growth. She is doing the body work to get you out of your head. My T does not do this with me, but encourages me to exercise, get out of the house (or work on occasion), and be with other people to get me out of my head. Friday before last, I had to ask a friend to please not leave me alone and help me stay out of my head, which was not a good place to be that day. He did. Stayed with me at work and talked with me for 3 hours. When his wife got off work, she joined us, and when H got off work, we went out for dinner. It is good to be out of our heads sometimes.

Also, I've told you already not to beat yourself up over the email and phone call. You made what you feel is a mistake. Don't beat yourself up over it. Move on. I emailed my T several times the week that ended the Friday I mentioned above; however, I tried not to email over her weekend. So when I apologized for emailing so much, she said she appreciated that I did not continue over the weekend. Really, it's all par for the course. Even the part about feeling "naked" in front of T is normal. T assured me of that; it happens to almost anyone when they disclose information they are ashamed of for any reason.

I think we are in similar places in therapy right now. For three weeks, I was having angry crying fits following session, then I would be depressed until I went back...rinse and repeat. T finally confronted me and asked what was I not accepting. She said childhood fits happen when we don't get our way. She said adults (herself included) can be "brats" too. She was right. I was not accepting that for whatever reason, I perceived her to be distant when she was not. I was projecting my mother's behavior onto her.

I understand not wanting to appear that way to T; however, what I am learning is that her acceptance of me wherever I'm at is unending. She has an uncanny sense of discernment when it comes to people's motivations, and because of that, she is certain I am putting forth an effort to change. Knowing this, she is patient through my setbacks, stumbles, and outright stubbornness.

However, I do tell her on occasion that my "crazy" embarrasses me.

Thank you, Chopin. Everything you wrote is helpful to me. I know that my T will accept my setbacks; she accepts everything about me. She doesn't judge; she just says we will be "curious" about why I do what I do. I'm glad your T is the same way. Hopefully, that's how all our Ts are. It's when I'm in my head that I obsess about my shame, of course. Yoga, meditation, and mindfulness--all recommended by my T, help me, and I think DBT will too.

Originally Posted by layla11

Hi, I feel this way alot also. Just wanted to say your not alone.

Thanks very much, layla. It always helps to know I'm not alone.

Originally Posted by granite1

i think you are doing awsome rain you are trying differnt things and also giving the DBT group a try.good for you girl keep it up .i'm sure your T feels the same way

You're right, granite. I don't think my T ever gets angry with me. Yours doesn't either, you know! I like my DBT group!

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think that you might find yourself unexpectedly moving forward if you would accept that this is difficult for you and that this is the way you feel RIGHT NOW. How you feel will change, especially if you can find the kindness and compassion to accept where you are right now.

I'm going to try, though thinking about my session next week makes me want to bring a blanket and cover myself in it! I don't want to look at my T but she wants me to. Then I get . She says to look at something in the room first. The confusing part is that I like to look into her eyes, but now I'm too embarrassed. I am where I am. And it's okay. I'm going to repeat that, and write it down for myself.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

Rainbow, i really like what Chopin wrote ... i would add try not to resist what you are feeling right now... in my experience, resistance tends magnify the feelings i am having. you recognize how not judging how you feel can help ... just don't add the 'but'. there is no 'but'. you feel how you feel and that's ok. it's all a part of your process.

keep workin' hard and learning and growing, rainbow.

have you done any art lately?

Thank you, rainbow_rose. I'm not going to resist. If I'm embarrassed, then that's how I feel. T accepts all of my feelings, so I can too. I hope. I have to try hard, though.

I drew a birthday card for a friend (she loved it) but I haven't got into painting yet. I have to make time to do it, and also a place to do it. T will let me paint in the session but it upsets me to think I would pay her for something I can do at home. I like your icon! Cute.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

It is hard to face these feelings, let alone let someone else in on them. But we do keep on going. I think because underneath all the ego mess we know this other person is trustworthy and understands.

Thanks, earthmamma. Yes, I trust my T with all of my feelings. It's just hard for me to be embarrassed in front of her. I'm ashamed of feeling.

[taylor43]

(((((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))) Rainbow you have made Allot of progress, therapy can be overwhelming. it's called healing from life hurts But try to live at the moment and be thankful for little things in life. Do not beat yourself up. Call your t when it is too over whelming! Raunbow you have made a huge step in your healing im in with your journery keeping you in my thoughts/prayers!

[Dreamy01]

(((((Rainbow)))))

I really feel for you as I understand how painful all this is. It's really hard to feel so exposed and vulnerable in front of T.

I think it shows a massive layer of growth that you can face these feelings. It reminds me how I could feel resonably okay with former t but I can hardly look current t in the eye. There's something about being 'seen' which is horrible yet so wonderfully healing at the same time. Being known and understood can be wonderful.

[Sannah]

You are making such progress Rainbow. Yes, all of this is progress. Can you talk to your T about your shame and embarrassment?

[rainbow_rose]

i learn from you, ya know that?