[~EnlightenMe~]

I was really upset the day before today in my Pdoc's office about being terminated, of course. I flooded her office. So I decided to call my new therapist today, right?

So, when I called his office number the first time, he called me back a few days later. He gave me a different number and told me that it was easier to reach him there. So, I put that number in my phone.

I called him this morning but didn't leave a message. He called back, and I told him who I was, and that I didn't know his contact policy, and he said, "This phone is not to be used except for emergency situations." I said, "Okay, I had no idea, thanks for telling me." (stunned) He said, "Did I give you this number?" I said, "Yes, when you first called me." I said, "Sorry, I'm fine now." He said, "Well now that I have you on the phone, what's going on?" I told him I was really upset about the termination, blah blah. He asked me if I was afraid of him leaving. I said no, I'm afraid of myself breaking down. He said, Well, I don't know you but so far I don't have any concerns about you so we can continue working together."

I just started flooding the place again with tears. I crossed a boundary and it wasn't even my fault. I am not going back to him. I don't think I can trust anyone. I don't know if anyone might think this is not a big deal, but I'm in crisis and it is a big deal to me. I shut down as soon as he told me no one could call his number except in emergencies, because again I had crossed a boundary that I had no idea was there. He's human, I get it, it's me. It is me.

I called my Pdoc, I am in such a crisis it isn't even funny. I hope she calls back. I want my old T back. How much longer do I have to pay for what I did? This will never abate and the one person who I trusted

[Sannah]

This T didn't reject you. It is okay to bump into a boundary.

[lostmyway21]

I wouldn't beat yourself up. You did not cross a boundary. He was simply establishing his boundary's. he actually sounds like a pretty decent T from why I've read so far. Be gentle in yourself.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I know, but I am so distraught, I guess I'm emotionally in the past, and anything that anyone does feels horrible. I don't think I can tolerate a new therapist and therapy now. Nor can I tolerate not having it. How do I stop reliving the past? Now any little thing brings up pain.

Have you heard back from Pdoc yet? Can you check yourself into a hospital for the weekend, just to get stable?

[~EnlightenMe~]

Hopefully, or see if there is an intensive outpatient program. My response to my new T was because I basically was calling because I couldn't deal with my emotions, because I was so upset. I felt like he automatically assumed it was BPD abandonment related, and it wasn't. I told him in therapy that I had to accept the BPD label as it was already out there (and fits), but that I didn't want to be treated like a BPD. I don't always see things in black and white, my phone calls are not always dependent related. I want to be treated like a person. I'm so reactive and emotional now, that I can't even think about the bigger picture. My triggers are stage front at the moment. This is me at the moment.

I'll post when I know.

[Miswimmy1]

(((((((antimatter)))))))) that was the worst timing for that to happen. But it sounds like u *were* in an emergency! That's what confuses me. If what your going throught isn't a crisis, then what is??

[~EnlightenMe~]

I feel like nobody believes me. Like I'm really not experiencing all of this, I'm just faking it. I feel like I'm allowing everyone to drive me crazy. I'm composing a post as I have a new plan. It will be out in forums soon

[Miswimmy1]

I think you should get a new therapist and a new dr. Because they should always take into account the view of the patient. You know? In the end, you are the only one who knows exactly how you feel... And obviously you are going to be the most credible one...