[mixedup_emotions]

Finally.

Had my individual session with T, and I finally feel somewhat connected again.

He knows I've been struggling with feeling distant. So, he said, "well, how are you experiencing being here with me right now?"....and I told him I felt comfortable being here with him. He said he looks forward to seeing me.

I did absolutely no work in therapy today...but at least I feel less distant.

As I was walking out, the receptionist mentioned that I reached my cap on my sessions...so from now on, all sessions are out of pocket until January or February. Not sure yet. I asked her what my out-of-pocket cost would be, and she will get back to me on that.

This is when reality should hit. No full time job, unemployment running out in a couple months, mortgage, single mom....and now, no coverage on therapy....which could result in 25% of my current income going to therapy if something doesn't change.

I am still in denial....

[Focus62]

I'm glad you felt more connected today . You will figure things out.

Mue, glad you and t were able to reconnect. somedays i suspect we do nothing in therapy where actually we are doing more than we know. we are having a collaboration with someone else in the most healthly way.... does that make sense???

sending safe hugs and a happy heart!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

This is when reality should hit. No full time job, unemployment running out in a couple months, mortgage, single mom....and now, no coverage on therapy....which could result in 25% of my current income going to therapy if something doesn't change.

I am still in denial....

((MUE))

[Sannah]

[rainbow8]

I'm glad you reconnected with your T. Things will work out financially. I'm sorry you have to face it, though.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone.

It means a lot to me. You have no idea.

Being in denial was way easier than facing reality.....Blech.

T said to let him know what I can afford for therapy and he will accept that. I just can't do it that way. I can't deal with the imbalance that would cause to the relationship.

I hate this.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

T said to let him know what I can afford for therapy and he will accept that. I just can't do it that way. I can't deal with the imbalance that would cause to the relationship.

No one can do you any favors?

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks, everyone.

It means a lot to me. You have no idea.

Being in denial was way easier than facing reality.....Blech.

T said to let him know what I can afford for therapy and he will accept that. I just can't do it that way. I can't deal with the imbalance that would cause to the relationship.

I hate this.

In a similar situation my therapist told me "you just need to ask" but I couldn't ask! I put myself through hell because I couldn't ask. Talk to him about it again. I went through such an awful time because I wasn't even willing to consider it, even though my therapist was. It took a long time for me to bounce back. After talking about it more, with me barely able to say a thing out loud about it, I accepted the offer. I'm working towards being able to pay the full fee again. Paying less might mean something really different to him than it does to you, so I'd really encourage you to think about it and bring it up again. I do know that it brings up a lot of awful feelings.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

No one can do you any favors?

It's very difficult for me to allow someone to help me. There are circumstances when I'm ok with it - like asking my neighbor to help me with watching my daughter. But even then, I feel hesitant and guilty for asking - and then figure out ways that I can help her as well...

But when it comes to therapy, my T owns his private practice which includes other T's and other services (like massage, nutrition, etc.)...I realize that he wouldn't offer to help me if he wasn't comfortably able to. I just feel awful about the idea in so many ways...

...I would feel ashamed because I would see myself as "less than" due to my situation;

...I would feel as if I owed him, or at least would need to work really hard to make his time more worthwhile;

...I would feel guilt about how he could be using that time to help someone else and be getting paid more for it.

...I would worry that he would feel differently about me;

...I would have to let go of the "I can take care of myself and don't need anybody's help to make it through life."....

...I'm sure there's more, but that's what I came up with, off the top of my head....

[sunrise]

MUE, since your funds for therapy are limited (I am there too), do you think you might choose differently in how you distribute them between individual and group therapy?

I'm glad you had a good session of reconnection with your T. You wrote that you did not get any work done in therapy, but I think that reconnecting and building the T relationship is very important work!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

MUE, since your funds for therapy are limited (I am there too), do you think you might choose differently in how you distribute them between individual and group therapy?

I'm glad you had a good session of reconnection with your T. You wrote that you did not get any work done in therapy, but I think that reconnecting and building the T relationship is very important work!

Thanks. I agree that reconnecting with T was important, so I don't feel as though the session was wasted.

About group and individual T, I am torn....Instinctively, I would choose to leave group T before leaving individual T.

But, I realize that group T is helpful to me in many ways. There's more opportunity to learn and grow...and I am able to utilize many resources in the room if I choose to. Leaving group T would save me $40/week.

I realize that I haven't been doing much work in individual T....but the fact that I have someone by my side while I'm treading through bumpy terrain in life is invaluable to me. The idea of not seeing T depresses me, and leaves me feeling incredibly alone in life. I have no real support in my life, and I'm in a difficult predicament - having divorced my husband, lost my job and lost most of my close friends (as they were all unhealthy for me).

It's not a good time for me to not be in therapy, even though people in my life think that I should be ready to leave - I've accomplished a lot by shedding those awful relationships. I haven't worked through past traumas yet. I still struggle with very low self-esteem, urges to SI and many, many fears. Plus, facing possible crisis with my job situation which could lead me to losing my home.

My T's rate I think is $130/session. But his negotiated rate with insurance companies varies - and I believe my current insurance caps T at $73 per session.

So, ultimately, letting go of therapy altogether could save me $113/week which adds up....but doesn't make my financial situation workable with that change alone.

I don't have very many non-fixed expenses that I can cut. No cable. No internet. No home phone (only a single cell line). No car payment. Just the run of the mill necessary expenses. I am looking to refinance, but I'm not sure that's possible while unemployed. I wanted to do a loan modification so I could get a lower interest rate on my mortgage, but I would need to default on my payments...which I don't want to do.

I could sell the house and my daughter and I could move in with my mom until I get back on my feet. I really don't want to do that, because the relationship is unhealthy. But, it's an option.

I make handmade jewelry that I sell on the side, which is worthwhile...but it also adds to my expenses in order to get supplies.

Sorry I'm rambling....just needed to get it out somewhere....Thanks for listening.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

...I would feel ashamed because I would see myself as "less than" due to my situation;

...I would feel as if I owed him, or at least would need to work really hard to make his time more worthwhile;

...I would feel guilt about how he could be using that time to help someone else and be getting paid more for it.

...I would worry that he would feel differently about me;

...I would have to let go of the "I can take care of myself and don't need anybody's help to make it through life."....

Good insight! I'm thinking that the last one is the big one? Can you talk to T about these?

[mixedup_emotions]

I certainly will talk to T about this. Thanks, Sannah, for encouraging me to figure this out....(( HUGS ))