[~EnlightenMe~]

When I was in a crisis the other day, I called my new T, then my Pdoc, and Pdoc asked if I needed to go to the hospital, told me I needed a therapist, and that was it. I called xT, and he asked if I had connected with my current therapist, and if I needed another referral. I haven't connected with my new therapist yet, I tried two others before. So, when I'm in a non-sui. crisis, do I just deal with it on my own.? It didn't feel like just grief, it felt traumatic. Although, at a point I got past it, I felt like a nonentity, like if I wasn't going to commit sui., I wasn't important enough to get help. I don't know what kind of help. Is it because I have OCD and they want nothing to do with it, is it because I'm dependent and they don't believe me? Is it because I have BPD and they don't believe me? It's so disheartening. I feel like I **** everything up and don't deserve help. This is what I get for not doing whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing in therapy. My xT and Pdoc are telling me that it was a mutual termination. Thank you for informing me. I feel like I have been asking, begging, screaming for something and it's all been a waste of time. I have no faith in myself or in my future. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling deceived, manipululated, and invalidated, and having no one who will believe me. I HATE myself with a passion. I have emotions that come and go, along with corresponding thoughts/ideas. I am not whole. I blame myself for my therapy ending, because if I've been trying to find myself for this long, I clearly have no idea what I"m doing. Any ideas I have at how I think I'll get better are worthless just as I am. I want to isolate myself and never attach to anyone else again. I destroy people, that's what I"m good at. That's it.

[Miswimmy1]

Maybe you should stop thinking. Us OCDers over think and analyze things to much a lot of the time. It really sounds like you are having an anxiety attack. Anxiety is a spiral. It alternates body, thought, body, thought or vica versa. A thought comes to mind (I'm so angry about my xt and termination), the body reacts (sweating, nerves, etc), the another thought (getting riled up about it all), more body reactions (anger), and it continues to cycle downward. That is where medication comes in if u have any. Try breathing. Go distract yourself. Take a bubble bath. Try and break it.

Your thoughts and feelings may seem irrational to someone, but they are 110% legit. You are feeling it, and it so awful that your doc and your t are invalidating your emotions. I know how it is to feel like the world is crumbling around u. you don't deserve this and I am so sorry that you are suffering like this.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

Maybe you should stop thinking. Us OCDers over think and analyze things to much a lot of the time. It really sounds like you are having an anxiety attack. Anxiety is a spiral. It alternates body, thought, body, thought or vica versa. A thought comes to mind (I'm so angry about my xt and termination), the body reacts (sweating, nerves, etc), the another thought (getting riled up about it all), more body reactions (anger), and it continues to cycle downward. That is where medication comes in if u have any. Try breathing. Go distract yourself. Take a bubble bath. Try and break it.

Your thoughts and feelings may seem irrational to someone, but they are 110% legit. You are feeling it, and it so awful that your doc and your t are invalidating your emotions. I know how it is to feel like the world is crumbling around u. you don't deserve this and I am so sorry that you are suffering like this.

I was actually thinking that it was OCD, so I am going to take my Ativan, even though I hate it because it makes me tired. Better than angry, I guess. Thanks for your reply.

[~EnlightenMe~]

It's really strange, I have to be honest here, I am going to take my Ativan, but a part of me is kind of afraid to take a pill and to have my anger go away. Maybe I'm afraid of the pain behind it if there is any? Or maybe I am OCDing again and just need to take a pill, lol. I'll do that. I guess disregard?

[Miswimmy1]

It doesn't sound like OCD. It sounds like anxiety. But OCD is a subtype of anxiety, so... Yeah take the Ativan. I take for anxiety attacks too, and if one makes u tired, bite off half a pill. That way it will calm u down but it won't ruin your day

[autotelica]

Living life without anxiety and missing out on self-righteous anger is much better than being both anxious AND angry.

As much I hate being behind a glass wall, I do have to say it is a lot better than worrying and freaking out over everything. Not all feelings are worth experiencing.

So disregard your overthinking mind and just take the Ativan already.

[Rapunzel]

Times like this are what you have the Ativan for, right? It is okay to use it when you need it, according to your prescription and the instructions you have been given. Going to the hospital is for when you are not able to cope on your own. Therapy is for helping you to learn the skills that you need so that you can cope on your own. Crisis calls can help you to sort out whether you can or can't cope, and figure out what you could do to cope that you might not have remembered. A lot of the responsibility for coping and for improving your coping skills and for getting better does fall on you, even though it is hard, but it has to be that way because it isn't possible for anyone to do it for you. All that anyone can do is keep you safe and give you tools that you can use to help yourself. I'm sorry that you are in a crisis, or multiple crises simultaneously. Having someone to talk to and posting here is also a good way to get through it. It's easier when you aren't alone.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Living life without anxiety and missing out on self-righteous anger is much better than being both anxious AND angry.

As much I hate being behind a glass wall, I do have to say it is a lot better than worrying and freaking out over everything. Not all feelings are worth experiencing.

So disregard your overthinking mind and just take the Ativan already.

I did disregard, and did take the Ativan already

LOL "missing out on self-righteous anger"

It's more like the fear of finding out what is truly behind my rage because it is usually pain. I guess I feel more in power with the rage and more hopeless with the pain. I'm not saying it's right/good, but it is what it is.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Rapunzel

Times like this are what you have the Ativan for, right? It is okay to use it when you need it, according to your prescription and the instructions you have been given. Going to the hospital is for when you are not able to cope on your own. Therapy is for helping you to learn the skills that you need so that you can cope on your own. Crisis calls can help you to sort out whether you can or can't cope, and figure out what you could do to cope that you might not have remembered. A lot of the responsibility for coping and for improving your coping skills and for getting better does fall on you, even though it is hard, but it has to be that way because it isn't possible for anyone to do it for you. All that anyone can do is keep you safe and give you tools that you can use to help yourself. I'm sorry that you are in a crisis, or multiple crises simultaneously. Having someone to talk to and posting here is also a good way to get through it. It's easier when you aren't alone.

Rapunzel,
Thanks for your reply. My title was referring to Friday, when I was in a crisis and couldn't cope, and trying to get help felt like another crisis. It felt like, being that it was my perception.
I'm not in a crisis today, and the Ativan talk was merely me saying how I felt, someone noticing it was anxiety, and me realizing what I should have known, and taking an Ativan. Me being angry is definitely not a crisis, it's more like the norm, although it is getting better. Thanks for your reply.

[Miswimmy1]

How r u doing now? Better?

Originally Posted by Antimatter

When I was in a crisis the other day, I called my new T, then my Pdoc, and Pdoc asked if I needed to go to the hospital, told me I needed a therapist, and that was it. I called xT, and he asked if I had connected with my current therapist, and if I needed another referral. I haven't connected with my new therapist yet, I tried two others before. So, when I'm in a non-sui. crisis, do I just deal with it on my own.? It didn't feel like just grief, it felt traumatic. Although, at a point I got past it, I felt like a nonentity, like if I wasn't going to commit sui., I wasn't important enough to get help. I don't know what kind of help. Is it because I have OCD and they want nothing to do with it, is it because I'm dependent and they don't believe me? Is it because I have BPD and they don't believe me? It's so disheartening. I feel like I **** everything up and don't deserve help. This is what I get for not doing whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing in therapy. My xT and Pdoc are telling me that it was a mutual termination. Thank you for informing me. I feel like I have been asking, begging, screaming for something and it's all been a waste of time. I have no faith in myself or in my future. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling deceived, manipululated, and invalidated, and having no one who will believe me. I HATE myself with a passion. I have emotions that come and go, along with corresponding thoughts/ideas. I am not whole. I blame myself for my therapy ending, because if I've been trying to find myself for this long, I clearly have no idea what I"m doing. Any ideas I have at how I think I'll get better are worthless just as I am. I want to isolate myself and never attach to anyone else again. I destroy people, that's what I"m good at. That's it.

ativan is not going to hep you. try going to the gym, or fora long walk or a run, go do a sport. something physical that will leave you breathing hard. you need to EXPEL the emotions, not stuff them with ativan. they will just resurface.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

ativan is not going to hep you. try going to the gym, or fora long walk or a run, go do a sport. something physical that will leave you breathing hard. you need to EXPEL the emotions, not stuff them with ativan. they will just resurface.

Ativan isnt going to make the issue go away. But it *will* take the edge off anxiety for a while

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

Ativan isnt going to make the issue go away. But it *will* take the edge off anxiety for a while

with emotions this strong, thats like putting a bandaid on a huge gash. the key phrase here is "for awhile." It isnt really doing anything except perhaps creating a drug dependence.

Ativan is good for mild anxieties that have no real source, just...anxiety.

For out of control rageful painful emotions a drug just cannot compete with physical exertion. its only stuffing it. imagine how many pills it will take to "take the edge off" over and over and never getting the feelings out?

I speak from experience when I say to at least try the physical activity. Give it a good go. When you are in the middle of those feelings, dont stuff it, go do something with your body and let it out. Not only is it cathartic, but you will also feel better in general just bc of the exercise.

I am losing my mind not being able to exercise anymore. my feelings of self harm were so strong, so instead of taking pills to chill out, I started jogging and hiking. my cholesterol levels dropped 33 points, my blood pressure went from high to perfectly normal, I lost weight and I felt better physically and emotionally. it was easier to get a handle on my emotions.

sans exercise opportunities due to my broken ankle, I am absolutely a pressure cooker and have begun cutting again and landed in the hospital. the loss of it is being felt in a huge way.

if you have the physical ability to work out, TRY IT, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. if it doesnt work theres always the ativan, it isnt going anywhere.

[mixedup_emotions]

My t also encouraged physical activity to help release the excess energy.