I literally don't think I can take it

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUI:

Since the middle of August, I've been back to seeing T weekly. We had some leftover things to work through from this winter, and it felt like we were connected and the trust was there and the love was there and it was good. I LET MY GUARD DOWN, I was vulnerable and trusting and honest and hopeful.

And then last week, he said something so out of the blue, that bascially told me that there is still someone in there lying about me AND THAT HE IS STILL BELIEVING THIS PERSON.

I literally, LITERALLY thought I was going to kill myself. I had to talk myself out of it again and again. T suggested THE HOSPITAL.

I can't believe I let my guard down again and this happened AGAIN. After all of these years of building trust and telling my story.

I know there are so many child-triggers involved...just being blindsided out of nowhere over and over again, being "good" but still having bad things happen, being powerless to make the bad things stop.

Since then, T said he has finally realized "the truth". He has apologized. He says it's really over now, that things have changed and that he's grounded in what's true and that he won't not believe me again.

Part of me wants to work through it with him...because if it was successful, I guess it would be healing, and we have so much history and it would be sad to just walk away now.

But part of me knows he's said this before...it's over now! things have changed!...and I've let my guard down and it WASN'T over.

I don't even know if T is capable of working through this with me. I feel absolutely alone and lost and confused.

Therapy has made my life suck so much this year.

I know i haven't been around much, because I'm just at a loss for words. I cant blog, I just want to hide in my room. I don't feel safe ANYWHERE. Nowhere.

So, if there aren't many responses I totally understand. I just needed to say this somewhere.

Wait why in the world would he be believing this other person to begin with?

i'm SO sorry, nightsky.

many hugs....

Nightsky, I thought of you and was hoping things were better. I am so very, very sorry this is happening again. You deserve better.

Oh, nightsky, I'm devastated for you--yet I so understand how it could happen, knowing the history you two have. And he's been your therapist for so long ... if there is anyone I'd trust to learn from his mistakes and not to violates that trust again--

Yes, in your place I probably would have been contemplating sui also. That, in context, makes sense to wonder about. I would certainly be wanting to hide in my cave, pull the sheets over my head and sleep until the end of the world. Short of that, I'd be going for long walks on the beach and asking my gut which I could handle better: turning my back on him, never knowing? or trusting again, and being wrong?

You are so, so strong to be walking upright, still putting coherent sentences together. I'm glad you're posting. I admire you to continue on your path. This is your life, and you keep right on living it, nightsky. You are going to get beyond this ... at that point, you will make sense of why this man has so intruded and caused you all this stumbling. You will grow, but my--it must be a huge & important Life Lesson for all you are suffering.

We are here for you. You do have friends. * gentle hugs, as needed *
Roadie

I am sorry you feel betrayed, and I hope you can find a way to do what is best for you in the long run. Do not hurt yourself just because someone else is making mistakes. Let him own it, and not you, it isn't yours to pay for.

::huggs::

Hang in there, my friend

It may be 'over' for him, but it isn't for you, yet. But I think you can get back there, and work toward where you are both past it, and can build on the relationship again.

I'm so sorry you have been hurting

(((((((((Nighsky)))))))))
I was just thinking about you the other day. I was hoping that everything was going well for you. I wish your posting here was with better news. It hurts so much to reach out and trust and then be hurt when you open up. I am so sorry this keeps happening. I hope you can find a way through this. However that may be. It sounds like you are dealing with it better than you would have in the past. And that is a major achievement for you, not giving in to negative coping strategies.. Something to be proud of!
We are always here for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that things are so incredibly difficult. I can imagine how difficult it would be to have the source of great healing be the thing that also causes so much pain. Though I didn't post much when you were regularly posting, your posts, insight, and advice was always so helpful. It helped me. So I wish I could say something helpful to you, instead I'll just send support. Keep noticing all the little positive things each day has to offer. You really deserve some happiness, and a break from dealing with this. I know you've been working hard. It feels so unfair that you've been doubted.

((((((((((((((((((((((( nightsky )))))))))))))))))))))

so glad that you decided to post here. We care about you !!!!!!

I am beyond words right now. You have my prayers, you know that.

I'm very sad to hear about this news. I'm very disappointed in your therapist. Very very disappointed.

What do you think that you are going to do?

Sending wisdom and peace your way.

hi night sky sending lots of love your way.and also clarity.the decision has to be yours to make. it must be so hard as others have said to have the person who is so helpful also cause so much doubt and confusion. it's hard to trust what is real.sometimes you just have to go with it. does a deep level of you trust this guy or is the trust gone forever.
night sky nice to hear from you again but i am sorry it is for these reasons again (((hugs))

Sorry to hear things went way wrong again. Does sound like it is time to end it with your T; too much pain there despite all of your efforts. I know this must be devastating for you.

hi nightsky,

i'm so sorry to hear you're struggling right now. like a few others have said, i'm very surprised by your therapist! it's taken so much work to undo the damage from earlier in the year and to rebuild trust, and then he goes and effs it up again!

anyway, i had two thoughts:

1) it sounds like he was either thinking aloud or working out his own thoughts/feelings regarding that other person and what she's been saying about you. it almost as if he's treating you as the therapist (or at least as a friend) and is trying to figure out how he feels about the whole thing, with you as his helper or something. i'm not saying it's right, but just that since you're "there" (and can understand) he's using you in this way. either way, he shouldn't be telling you what he's thinking! the good news is that he's not keeping anything from you, and you know exactly where he stands on this whole issue. maybe it's a place to start when trying to process it with him.

2) i don't know the nature of the lies, but i'm wondering if it's the lie itself or the fact that she's lying that's bothering you. is what she is saying bad? or are you just bothered that it's not true? the only reason i ask is because if it's something like she is saying you're a vegetarian (lame example) and you therapist says, "yeah, i could see that being true," then it's really not that bad (like it doesn't make you a bad person). but if it's something that's damaging to your character then i can definitely see why it'd bother you, and why your therapist believing it makes it a thousand times worse. i'm sure it's the latter, but i just thought i'd check to make sure.

i disagree that this is the end of the road for you and him. yes it sucks and yes it's been (and is probably going to be) painful to work though, but i think it's important work that should be done. i think the potential for growth and healing far outweighs anything else (although i get that you might not be interested in that, and just want t to be t!)

sending lots of 's your way..

Ugh. That is incredibly painful. I am so sorry that you're going through this, especially after so much effort you've put into allowing yourself to trust and be vulnerable. Know that you are cared for here.

Nightsky--

I've really missed your posts, and I'm sorry that things have become so painful again, just when you were feeling safer.

I think of you as one of the wisest people here, and I really look up to you. And I trust that you'll be able to trust yourself to do what's best for you. And you're so tenacious and brave that I know healing will eventually come, whatever path to continue to take toward it.

That said, I know I don't get a vote, but I have always found your relationship with your T to be beautiful and inspiring. I hope you can continue to work together. You're a gift to him, and he's been a gift to you in the past. Of course you're under no obligation, except to yourself. Still, it seems like there's so much more potential growth with him, so I hope you can be as brave as you have been and continue with him. He's messed up a few times, but it really does seem like his heart is with you.

Take care, Nightsky. I hope you check back in when you can. There are lots of us here who really care about you and are rooting for you.

Nightsky

no wonderful words of wisdom from me....

trust yourself to do what is right!

you are stronger than you believe!!! (part of a quote)

sending tons and tons of safe hugs

please keep yourself safe.... if not for you, for your three kids!!
that is what keeps me hanging in most days, my kids

((((Nightsky)))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this again!

theres nothing wrong with taking control over your own life/therapy and honoring your feelings and doing what is best for YOU.....it seems to me your t is not honoring you or your feelings

also, maybe this is a healthier you being able to see things from a different perspective than from the past; the child that has no control over her circumstances because you are empowered now to choose what and who is good for you and your life

your t, nor this other person has your power....YOU do

You guys...

I want to come back and respond in depth later, but for now I just want to send out a big thank you for the caring and helpful and heartfelt responses. I'm seriously touched. I wasn't even sure if anyone would remember me.

I appreciate being heard so, so much. I'll come back later when I have more than a minute so I can write a better reply. But for now, thank you