Rules on saying "I love you"

Nov 01, 2012, 02:40 PM

Do you think saying "I love you" to someone implies that you expect it to be reciprocated? (In platonic relationships not romantic.)

Or can you just say "I love you" because you feel it, and not be hindered by societal expectations that you only say it to people who you think will say it back?"

I have been feeling lately like I love my T and I want to tell her. I was advised not to, bc she might not say it back, but I do not really feel like I am expecting her to say it back. I just want her to know that I feel it.

franki_j · Nov 01, 2012, 02:45 PM

I would also like to tell my T I love them, but I am scared she will think I am weird (god knows what she thinks of me as is.) or that I mean it in a sexual way.
I too would not expect her to tell me that she loves me back, which I think would be OK. I think if she said "I love you" back I would be a little freaked out.

Wren_ · Nov 01, 2012, 03:40 PM

I've said it to two t's without having it reciprocated; neither was a planned telling or thought about; it just came up ... in neither case did they make it feel awkward or inappropriate

or seem to think it was an implied response from them to reciprocate

I think it's ok in t, although some might want to them therapise what you meant and why you said it

yes it would be nice to hear it but I have no expectations there just the desire

adel34 · Nov 01, 2012, 04:37 PM

I think you should say it. I'm so glad you're feeling connected enough to her right now to even ask about this. And I think your t will realize what a good step this is, and respond well.

Nov 01, 2012, 04:58 PM

I prefaced it by telling him that I didn't mean it in a sexual way, but was afraid I would just blurt it out sometime at the end of session when we were saying goodbye and then spend all week worrying he would think I mean something I don't by it. So therefore, I just wanted to tell him I love him and that I might say it sometimes, but I don't mean I am trying to seduce him and I am fully cognizant that we are never running away together.

Anne2.0 · Nov 01, 2012, 05:35 PM

I think that since you are real clear that you want your T to know how you feel and you aren't expecting anything back, it makes perfect sense for you to tell her.

I think this is one of those therapy disclosures that T's have had training on, have had experience with, have thought about, and it ought to be easy from her perspective. It's also a great opportunity to talk about the meaning of love and connection and what it means to say it out loud.

My clients (I am a lawyer) often say they love me to me, and their mothers, fathers, children, also occasionally say it to me. Yesterday I had a meeting with a client and her mother and father and brother and her Mom said "I love you" in this very loving but kind of on the edge of creepy way when she first came in, and when they all left. I smiled back at her and said thank you. I do often work with clients in prison, and they are quite prone to saying "I love you" too. Most of my clients are very heavily into religion and as I understand how Christianity gets played out in the prison culture, saying I love you is very consistent with this. Sometimes I say it back to clients, when I feel it (I don't always, but after working with someone for 5 years or so I do often feel that way). I do always admire them for saying it, and I feel the niceness of having love directed at me (and not in a creepy way).

I guess this is all to say that I think it is a privilege to be able to help people in a way that promotes love directed at you, and it is an honor to be the subject of someone's love, whether you return that exact sentiment or not. I don't think it's ever really against the rules to say you love someone, when you say it without expectation of "getting it back" or something else (e.g. s*x or the like).

I also say that getting to the point where you feel love for anyone is a good place. When I am having trouble with whatever I am having trouble with, I find the effects first in that my ability to have loving feelings for the people in my life is smaller, reduced. So I in part track my progress in therapy as whether or not I can feel, and sometimes express, love to those around me.

granite1 · Nov 01, 2012, 05:45 PM

hi tentativeconnection i tend to be the kind of person who says i love you because i feel it .i don't expect to hear it back at all.i don't say it to my T at all because i don't feel that way.i do like her. for me love has no sexual meaning at all.so i will say it to anyone i feel that way towards .and when someone says that to me i feel it is because that is how they feel

autotelica · Nov 01, 2012, 05:46 PM

The closest I've come to saying those words is "I care for you a whole lot." Even though she has said she loves me and has even told me that she knows I love her too, I still can't say it. It just feels too close and personal.

rainbow8 · Nov 01, 2012, 06:45 PM

After much struggling with those words and not saying it directly to my T, I finally did tell her "I love you". She thanked me and said that she doesn't use the word "love" except for close friends and family. I was still glad that I told her. It made me feel good even though she wouldn't say it back to me. She did say that I'm very special and she cares about me very much.

Asiablue · Nov 01, 2012, 06:47 PM

It would be a brave move to say "i love you". And great if you feel you can and not expect her to say it back and be ok with that. x

CantExplain · Nov 01, 2012, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

I have been feeling lately like I love my T and I want to tell her. I was advised not to, bc she might not say it back, but I do not really feel like I am expecting her to say it back. I just want her to know that I feel it.

She might indeed not reciprocate. But if that doesn't bother you, I say go ahead.

Chopin99 · Nov 01, 2012, 08:09 PM

My T told me she loved me first. We don't say it that often, but when one of us does, the other responds.

If you truly don't expect her to reciprocate, I say go for it. I'm all for honesty anyway, so if you honestly love her, tell her so!

stopdog · Nov 01, 2012, 08:22 PM

I think it is not unusual for therapists to hear it from clients from what I have read.

Nov 01, 2012, 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chopin99

My T told me she loved me first. We don't say it that often, but when one of us does, the other responds.

If you truly don't expect her to reciprocate, I say go for it. I'm all for honesty anyway, so if you honestly love her, tell her so!

well... she already told me that I have wormed my way into her heart and if I was younger she would try to adopt me. I think "I love you" pales in comparison.

I just don't want my feelings to be discounted by being explained away through transference.

And she HAS said I am having transference issues with her. But I think those issues are firmly centered on her saying she likes me, and me feeling unlikable and questioning repeatedly HOW/WHY she likes me. She says I am bringing in to therapy/placing on her the way other people in my life treat me (poorly) and expecting her to do the same, but she isn't so I don't know what to do with her. So I can understand and accept that as transference and work on it.

I just don't want her to say or suggest that me loving her is just another bit of transference because I don't think it is.

stopdog · Nov 01, 2012, 08:28 PM

If there was a reaction from the therapist I did not want, I personally would probably not say anything.

autotelica · Nov 01, 2012, 08:38 PM

I'm like stopdog. If there's any chance she could say the "wrong" thing, I wouldn't say it. Your relationship is still fragile.

You've got plenty of time to say the magical words. And there are other things you can say that communicate "I love you" without being "I love you".

I think my therapist said "I love you" after about three years. At that point, we'd seen enough of each other so that it didn't feel contrived or like she was just saying something to make me feel better. And it was around that time where I finally started echoing with "I care for you". I think that if I had pulled out those words earlier, I would have worried that I was getting carried away with a "new" thing.

But I am not a "I love you" type person. Even towards people who I love, I find it very hard to say so. Don't know what that's about.

Nov 01, 2012, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by autotelica

I'm like stopdog. If there's any chance she could say the "wrong" thing, I wouldn't say it. Your relationship is still fragile.

You've got plenty of time to say the magical words. And there are other things you can say that communicate "I love you" without being "I love you".

I think my therapist said "I love you" after about three years. At that point, we'd seen enough of each other so that it didn't feel contrived or like she was just saying something to make me feel better. And it was around that time where I finally started echoing with "I care for you". I think that if I had pulled out those words earlier, I would have worried that I was getting carried away with a "new" thing.

But I am not a "I love you" type person. Even towards people who I love, I find it very hard to say so. Don't know what that's about.

I don't think she will say the wrong thing. My problem is that in our conversations more than once I have been about to say it before I catch myself and realize what those words are and stop talking. In those moments I just sit and look at her, and when it first started I looked at her trying to puzzle out what is was I was feeling and I was confused at first, but now I've labeled it/accepted what it is and I want to just be able to say what I'm thinking w/o having to stop in the middle of a sentence to eliminate it from my thoughts.

Maybe I can just replace "love" with a different word and say that when love pops into my head. Something silly.

Nov 02, 2012, 12:57 AM

I think its ok to say

especially if you dont expect it reciprocated. But what a nice surprise it would be if she said something positive back!
My t and i say i love you quite often. I think its ok to say to your t.

CantExplain · Nov 02, 2012, 02:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by autotelica

Your relationship is still fragile.

My T says relationships are made stronger by being broken and repaired.

Brightheart · Nov 02, 2012, 06:31 AM

I said it to my therapist right before leaving therapy. I never needed it reciprocated. I felt it, and so I expressed it. I try to think of the love I felt for him as a gift to myself. I share that love by honoring myself now. Expressing my feelings verbally was huge for me. It was a good experience for me.

I hope you will do what works best for you and your therapy. Best of luck and take care.

10:17 AM

I think it´s great saying I love you and not expect anything back.

I may be a bit twisted. I prefer actions over word. Meaning ..how do we act towards/ and treat the ones we love.

I don´t need the sentence " I love you" I need to be treated as someone who is loved and validated

Then again...TC I think it is really nice that you have those feelings and want to share. Progress...Just saying if we really love someone ..we treat them as if we love them. If that makes sence?

Edit to ad: Obviously it´s a nice thing to be told "I love you"..."LBC personal baggage", involved in the post...Ups..Glad you have reached this point in your T relationship.

feralkittymom · Nov 02, 2012, 09:54 AM

I think stating any of our feelings out loud is empowering. To freely express love with such clarity can have a ripple effect. It's not just the effect it has on the other person, but also the effect it has on us.

Miswimmy1 · Nov 02, 2012, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

I was advised not to

Lol loaded quote right there (heehee).

Yes I do think that you should not. It puts her in an awkward position. However, if you do end up telling her, hopefully she will know how to handle it and respond aprropriately. I think you should trust urself. You know her best and if you think that it wont cause trouble in the relationship between you and ur t, then go for it.