Finally told T how I feel about her, feel weird about it now

***Trigger warning for mention of sex

I have been feeling very intense maternal transference for me T pretty much since I started therapy. I see her as safe, nurturing, warm, etc. She is a lot older than me and dresses in turtlenecks and has gray hair and glasses, etc. I always imagine her holding me and being close to me. I also am very very curious about her and think about her a lot outside of session.

Occasionally, I also have sexual thoughts about her, but that is not really how I feel about her. I don't feel attracted to her in that way. I just think I am very curious about her, and my feelings towards her are as intense as you can feel about someone without being sexually attracted to them, but I think that very occasionally those two types of attractions "overlap" for me.

Lately, T and I have been talking about some very personal sexual things, like my discomfort with sex, in a very intimate way. It was after one of these discussions, when she mentioned something that triggered me thinking about her sex life, that I knew I had to tell her how I felt. I emailed her and told her about how I think she is so maternal and I feel so attached/dependent on her. I also told her I occasionally have sexual thoughts about her, but that those feelings are peripheral to how I feel towards her as a whole.

She emailed me back and said some stuff about transference, etc. and that she didn't feel uncomfortable or weird that I had told her this, that I have been making lots of progress in therapy, and then she wished me good luck on my first week of my new job and told me she would see me on Friday. It was a very nice email, and I didn't expect her to respond to what I had said in a super detailed way b/c it is email.

However, now I feel kind of gross for telling her this, especially about the sexual stuff. I don't want her to think I am attracted to her, because I'm not. It is just that when we are talking about my sex life in such an intimate way, it makes me wonder about hers, not in a way that arouses me, but just in a curious way. But I also think of her as being very maternal, so I don't enjoy having these thoughts at all. I feel like a sick freak, TBH. I don't know if I can work through this. I just feel like she is a mother figure towards me. I told her I feel safe when I am with her, which is true.

I am also suprised about how much I can tell her and she does not back away from me or tell me to stop coming. I was actually quite comfortable with my transference issues, until I told her about them, and now I can't stop thinking about my disclosure. AND I don't see her 'till Friday. Ugh....

I don't want to be an attention seeker or anything, but can someone please respond? I feel really distressed about this, like I am a sicko or something and I feel very perturbed that I told her this stuff, all about my feelings for her.

you are not a 'sicko' by any means! the word i'd use is brave. i shared how I felt about her to my therapist and she responded very similarly. seems like this is a normal part of your process and you are working through it!

Thanks so much rainbow rose, I feel like I need a lot of support now so I don't feel so weird about this. I feel scared of myself, like what can my sick mind think up next.

i have removed the word 'sick' from the above statement. what you feel is ok and it is ok that you shared it with her.

You are not a "sicko" or "freak". What you did was tremendously brave. Many people have these feelings about their T's and the configuration of genders, female w/male T, female w/female T, etc...doesn't really seem to be a factor in experiencing this. Many heterosexual married women can develop sexual attraction to their female T, in addition to the maternal and curious feelings that you are experiencing. It can be very confusing and alarming but you have handled it in the best way by talking about it. It is perfectly normal to feel afraid and overexposed after disclosing something so personal, but as you work through it with your T, hopefully those feelings will start to subside. Your T sounds really wonderful, supportive, and open.

I don't seem to have a filter with my T and I have felt the same way you are feeling now.

Thanks so much for this Psychicbaby. It makes me feel better to know that someone else has felt this towards their T. What disturbs me is that I feel like she is SO maternal for me, like I think about us doing mother-daughter things sometimes, but I have had these other sexual thoughts about her, but they are very peripheral to how I actually feel. But now that I told her about them, I just feel so gross.

I was kinda the same way, except it was a paternal transference. It was very odd - the way I felt and it left me feeling rather creepy.

My therapist helped me to understand that, as adults, a lot of things get conflated with sexual thoughts. It's just the way humans are wired. All kinds of thoughts and emotions fly around in therapy. There is nothing to feel sick or unusual or upset about. It's all part of the process.

I know that is very easy for me to say now, having come out the other side of it. Again, I do understand the feeling. I also know that it happens and you can work through it.

All bets really are off in therapy. If you let it be that way, I think it makes for good therapy.

Can I ask a totally non-judgmental, just-trying-to-get-insight question?

Why would you feel it necessary to share your feelings with your therapist? Is it just so that there are no secrets between you? Or do you feel like if you keep those kinds of feelings to yourself, then they just get bigger and bigger?

I feel some things about my therapist. Our relationship is something I can't really relate to anything I've ever experienced, but I know it goes beyond just a formal business/professional thing. I wouldn't fall to pieces if my dentist stopped seeing me, but I would for my therapist. However, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to her about this because I would feel like it has no place in my therapy. And I would be afraid of the very thing you're dealing with--the aftershock.

Please don't think I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I've noticed most posters here seem to be just as open as you are, so I'm obviously the strange one. I'm just trying to understand the intention.

Sexual thoughts and even arousal during session can be expected in many cases. I agree that it's best to let the T know when you are experiencing these things and hopefully they will handle it with care in most cases. Good luck to you in your journey

You're not sick at all. I think sexual feelings can get mixed up with intense emotions particularly in people who have had certain experiences in the past, but even in people who haven't. You're certainly not the first or only client who has wondered about T's sex life. I've done the same although I've quickly shifted the thoughts aside out of embarrassment. I certainly wouldn't be able to admit it to her so you're braver than me in that way. I don't have sexual feelings towards my T per sae it's more that those feelings occasionally get confused with wanting to be close to her. I can't speak for you or anyone else but I wonder if that's the same?

Also, I think it can be comforting to think about T in a sexual way when there have been frightening experiences around sex in the past. T is a safe person therefore linking her with sex can make it seem less scary, perhaps.

Whatever the reason you're not a freak and T won't think so either. As someone else said, us humans are wired for sex and so it's not strange or sick to think about it while with people we are emotionally intimate with.

Hi autotelica. At first I thought, there is no way I will ever tell my therapist my feelings towards her. Never ever. Then I started reading on this forum and reading things about transference, etc. and it seemed like the general consensus was that it is helpful to therapy to tell her this stuff. Also, she has mentioned things a couple times regarding our relationship and how I feel about her, as if she knows something is going on but obviously she can't ask me outright "How do you feel about me?" But she would say things like "I know you're curious about me and that's perfectly OK. You are not stalking me." Because once I read her dissertation and freaked out completely and told her. So I feel like she is open to it and has hinted that she knows something is going on. Also, my feelings towards her are very intense, ie feeling safe with her, feeling gratitude towards her, etc. and it felt like they were definetely not part of a normal relationship, so I felt like I had to tell her because they were so strong. What I described it in my email to her was that my feelings for her were like the elephant in the room whenever we had session.
I definetely didn't expect to tell her so soon, but when we started talking about my sex life, my feelings towards her got even more complicated, which is why I kind of word vomited all this to her via email. If we hadn't been talking about sex, I am sure I would have waited until later.

Yes Dreamy! My feelings towards her are that I want to be close to her, I want her to hug me, etc. (Although I think if she actually did I would run away! ) These are very intense feelings, and I think they do get mixed up with sexual feelings occasionally, but it doesn't mean that I'm sexually attracted to my T, if that makes sense. I think you explained what I am feeling very well.

I don't know about others here, but my T came right out and asked how I felt about him. So I answered truthfully. And it wasn't unlike what Franki_j experienced. However it happens, it is transference in action...which is another tool for therapists to understand their patients. It helps them get closer to what the patient is experiencing on an emotional level. That's why you get so close to them. An emotional connection instead of just talk.

I think it was great that you had the courage to tell T how you felt! That's what therapy is all about - a safe place to reveal our feelings and not worry about being judged, etc. My T says it's like working in a lab, and I've come to see the truth of that. You are not weird AT ALL. Transference is really strange, and very powerful. It sounds like your T handled it very well, so please don't feel like there's something wrong.

I have not been able to tell my T how I really feel about him, and I think it's hampering my therapy. Feel proud that you were able to get it out!. I can't ... yet. But I'm working on it.