[murray]

So another thread got me thinking about something and I didn't want to hijack so am starting a new thread.

The subject of guilt is a very powerful one and everyone seems to have such strong feelings about it. I hope that I don't upset anyone with this topic.

I had a T ask me once what would happen if I let go of the guilt; if I just gave it up. She wondered what I would fill that huge hole with once the guilt was no longer a constant presence in my life. She said that I carried so much guilt with me and I didn't need to but wondered why I was unable to absolve myself of it and why it was such a huge part of me.

It was an interesting question and I never really answered it for myself...and I'm still stuck with the guilt, of course. Just wondering if anyone else has thoughts or experiences or moved through this...

Hi Murray,
Guilt is something unfortunately that we all carry around and it ways us down. I think for me therapy was a great way to realise I had nothing to be guilty about, I blamed myself for other peoples behaviour all the time. Blamed myself for my partner cheating and blamed myself for my mothers moods and T said that you can't control how other people act only control how you react and you have a choice to be happy button you deserve to be happy. She made me set a time to let go of the guilt and text me that morning to remind me and to celebrate afterwards- it sounds rediculous but it actually worked.

I cling to guilt as its familiar, as much as i want to let it go...your right i know there will be a hole that would need to be filled. Its a tough one, therapy causes a shift in your entire sense of self and as much as one wants to change its hard not to grasp for the familiar during scary times. Guilt... the final frontier.

[wotchermuggle]

That's a really good question....maybe hope would fill that spot if we could let it go? Hope for a different type of life?

[murray]

In T today we were talking about a number of things, not specifically dealing with the topic of guilt. Out of the blue I said that I was starting to think that maybe I'm not to blame for some of the things and I don't feel as guilty as I used to for certain stuff. As soon as I said it, a few tears fell (not many cause I have a hard time crying). My T said that now that I am letting go of some of the guilt, I can feel the grief and mourn. He even commented on how I was finally able to have a normal emotional reaction, ie tears, to what has happened rather than blaming myself and feeling guilty.

Still processing and am not sure what to think really. Letting go of guilt feels so dangerous, after all if I don't make sure to punish myself and beat myself up, someone else will do it.

So strange that this came up today.

I like the idea that hope can fill this void at some point.

[Miswimmy1]

I think letting go is scarier than holding it in. you are so used to the guilt that it has become a part of you. the abscence of the guilt is going to feel strange, empty, wierd. You might be sad... who knows? But I think guilt is almost a coping mechanism...

[murray]

yeah it is weird, kind of a scary emptiness or something???

[SallyBrown]

I think that part of letting go of guilt is recognizing truth. When you recognize that you aren't to blame something, you can face the truth of what happened. The truth can be an awful thing to face, but I don't know... feeling like I can see the truth makes me feel more plugged in to the world. And it allows me to see myself without distortion, which allows me to trust myself. Believe me, something will replace the guilt -- hope, self-awareness, peace.

I used to blame myself for my childhood best friend, who was like a sister to me when we were little. Her mom died when we were 9. She withdrew from everyone, she was clearly suffering, and I tried tried tried to help. I didn't really know what to do. Adults saddled me with responsibility for her, because she wasn't talking to them -- except she wasn't talking to me either, constantly seemed angry at me, ended up trying (unsuccessfully) to spread rumors about me around our school. She was angry at me up until the day we left for college, and everything I did seemed to make it worse.

I held that burden with me for a long time. It helped that while we were in college, she sent me a letter apologizing for how much she had taken her grief out on me. I still blamed myself, though. I thought if I had been a better friend I would have done something right and she wouldn't have been so sad. It wasn't until a few years ago that I told my T about it, and he did everything he could to make me see that it was not my fault. I was just a child. I hated me as a child, I wished I could forget everything about me as a child, but seeing that I would not hold any other child to this standard did a lot for me. He also pointed out how long I had tried to help her. 9 years. Half of my life at that point. "That's a very long time to try to help someone who gives you nothing but anger and spite." What can I say? She was like my sister.

But letting go of that guilt -- that's been priceless. We talk about loving our child selves all the time. It's very healing to replace my impression of me as an inept, stupid, selfish child with one of a confused kid who wants to help someone she loves and doesn't know how. Letting go of the guilt will allow you to grieve your loss and achieve acceptance, but it will also allow you to give yourself credit for the resilience you showed by enduring the things you went through.

[lostmyway21]

Good question. In fact a really good one. I am going to ask my T next session. He ALWAYS tells me I need to let go of the guilt. I've never thought of what would replace that HUGE space.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I am going to ask my T next session. He ALWAYS tells me I need to let go of the guilt.

that is so much easier said than done. sigh..

Murray, this came up in my session yesterday. We talked about how logically I understand the guilt isn't mine. But knowing isn't enough. To let go of guilt means I am letting my defences down also & I don't trust the void it would leave. But just talking about it actually helped me to begin to want to risk it.

guilt.... the gift that keeps on giving...

letting go of guilt is a tough one, right up there with shame for me..

sending safe hugs

[mcl6136]

Get this: I even had guilt about going to therapy to deal with my guilt.

Now that is wacked!

[stopdog]

I don't think I usually feel guilty. I just feel wrong. The therapist labels it shame.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think I usually feel guilty. I just feel wrong. The therapist labels it shame.

Do you see it as shame or just agreeing with her label?

[stopdog]

I don't have a firm grasp on the definition of shame and how it presents itself. I never agree with the therapist on labels.
Or anything else really.
Guilt sounds different and so I am fairly certain I am not so wrapped up in guilt.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't have a firm grasp on the definition of shame and how it presents itself. I never agree with the therapist on labels.
Or anything else really.
Guilt sounds different and so I am fairly certain I am not so wrapped up in guilt.

I hear ya... guilt, shame etc... its all just bad feelings for me...I cant express them let alone name them and differentiate from them.

[mcl6136]

I was told once that shame is a sense of being intrinsically bad....and guilt is more situational regarding behavior or choices.

Here is the toast I will offer during tonight's release ceremony:

Here's to you, as good as you are,
Here's to me, bad as I am
But as good as you are,
And as bad as I am,
I'm good as you are,
Bad as I am.

Seems like I've got the shame thing licked?

Hmmmmmm....

And don't take my word for these definitions, that's just what I heard somewhere....

[stopdog]

I even watched Brene Brown on TED and read her book. MC I think that is the definition that I have seen and been told.
Good job on release ceremony chant.