[SUNNY2009]

Hey...
Just needed to release some pent up anxiety.
I was with my T for about 2+ years. Worked through SA issues. well...worked thru some of them. Not really sure if I should have continued. However, didnt have a choice in whether I went back to him. I mean I may have ... I know I would have....at least sometime ...wanted to. But he lost his license cuz he was accused of having an affair with a patient. Its a temporary loss I think for him. But wat are the implications. I mean ... he is human....maybe he did...maybe he didnt. Either way I think T's are just people trying to help others. Most of them have a gift...If they are good at what they do.
I loved him. I still do. At one point I thot I was in love with him. Sometimes I still feel confused about that.
But now its been a couple years. I sent him messages on and off.
He finally responded. Says he is doing well, and asks about me.
I wish I could talk to him openly. I want to tell him Im still messed up and I am just living and I still have not fixed my life. I still have not done what I had set out to do.
Now I have this major anxiety. Thinking about how disappointed he might be about what I have not done...in the absence of our sessions.
He checked out. And I feel like I did too.
Disappointed in myself too.
just venting

[CantExplain]

((Sunny))

I'm afraid this is beyond my experience. I don't know what to say.

It's sad that it's been several years, and you're still feeling bad. Yeah, our T's are human. They have high ideals to live up to, but I really think most of them are in it for the satisfaction of helping others. They're not perfect, but at least they're motivated to help - unlike me.

I'm really sorry that you feel disappointed in yourself. Healing can take a long, long time - years, really. Are you seeing a T now? You've stayed in touch with your old T, could you see him again? Is his license still gone? Please don't feel like a failure. We didn't get messed up overnight, and we can't fix ourselves overnight. Could you ask him for a referral, if he doesn't have his license? You still want to fix yourself - you haven't given up - that counts for a lot. What are your options?

I don't think he would be disappointed, as he obviously had his own stuff going on back then. Are you wanting to reach out to him to have as a T or friend?