[trdleblue]

Possible trigger for talk about SA. (only briefly mentioned)



My T's office is in the area that I grew up, and now within walking distance to where I live. Overall I like where I live, and I like that T's office is close to my home, but there is one problem. The office is on the same street as a house of a boy I went to school with. He is the same boy that did some things to me in junior high. It never bothered me too much before, but now I found out that he bought the house from his parents, and will be moving back into it with his family (he has a wife and a baby girl) once he has done some remodeling. It looks like a lot of progress has been made, and my guess is he will be moving in within a month. Today, right before I got to T I saw him get into his car and drive off from the house. It has me more freaked out then I thought it would. My session wasn't good, and I wasn't able to bring up why I was upset to my T. Now not only am I stressed by the thought of next weeks session, but I am also starting to realize that there is a great probability that I will run into this guy at some point. In short of moving and changing T's there is nothing I can do.

[WikidPissah]

trdle...that sux. I would tell you to talk to T, but you already know that. Do you have alternative means of communication? email maybe?

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

trdle...that sux. I would tell you to talk to T, but you already know that. Do you have alternative means of communication? email maybe?

He's made it clear that I can call or e-mail, but I don't know if I could actually contact him outside of session. I'm not even sure if it's something that I will be able to bring up next week.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by trdleblue

He's made it clear that I can call or e-mail, but I don't know if I could actually contact him outside of session. I'm not even sure if it's something that I will be able to bring up next week.

Yes. I get this. I always like email because you can hold on to it, write it and rewrite it, and possibly send it if it gets to a place you approve of. It's total control of how you present something. Maybe write it out in a word document? And just let it cook a few days?

I find it easier and beneficial to email the hard stuff in the moment, then its "out there"and we can talk about it next session or when I'm ready. Keep in mind you are no longer in junior high and he cant hurt you again, your stronger now. If T said it was ok then its ok.

[Anne2.0]

I'm not sure whether you are interested in experiences about the broader issue of interacting with a former perpetrator. Many of us whose CSA perps were family members have to consciously (or I suppose one could do it less than consciously) choose when and how to have contact with these folks. Some people know when they are going to interact with them and/or othertimes the interaction just happens, even if superficial, as you seeing him did.

For me, there was a gradual period where I realized that I was no longer under a threat from him. As an adult, I knew that I could verbally and physically defend myself if I needed to. So when I still felt threatened, I knew that I was bringing in the threat from the past, that it was not in the present. So working on not feeling threatened and bringing that past threat into the now was what worked for me. I was able to see my perpetrator as the person he is now, and interact with him based on that. A slow process but the added benefit is that I don't generally feel threatened by anyone, once I stopped feeling threat from him.

I do not believe you are in any danger from this person. You may see him from time to time if you choose to look down the street towards where his house is. You may see him driving by in his car. But you may never see him more than that and more importantly, he may never see you. But I think that the task for you is to not bring in the threat from the past and to work on feeling safe there in T, no matter if you ever see him again or not.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Yes. I get this. I always like email because you can hold on to it, write it and rewrite it, and possibly send it if it gets to a place you approve of. It's total control of how you present something. Maybe write it out in a word document? And just let it cook a few days?

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I find it easier and beneficial to email the hard stuff in the moment, then its "out there"and we can talk about it next session or when I'm ready. Keep in mind you are no longer in junior high and he cant hurt you again, your stronger now. If T said it was ok then its ok.

Even though they are opposite, I like both of these ideas. I'm going to see how I feel in the morning, and decide then if I will write to T. Contacting him goes against all my instincts though.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I'm not sure whether you are interested in experiences about the broader issue of interacting with a former perpetrator. Many of us whose CSA perps were family members have to consciously (or I suppose one could do it less than consciously) choose when and how to have contact with these folks. Some people know when they are going to interact with them and/or othertimes the interaction just happens, even if superficial, as you seeing him did.

For me, there was a gradual period where I realized that I was no longer under a threat from him. As an adult, I knew that I could verbally and physically defend myself if I needed to. So when I still felt threatened, I knew that I was bringing in the threat from the past, that it was not in the present. So working on not feeling threatened and bringing that past threat into the now was what worked for me. I was able to see my perpetrator as the person he is now, and interact with him based on that. A slow process but the added benefit is that I don't generally feel threatened by anyone, once I stopped feeling threat from him.

I do not believe you are in any danger from this person. You may see him from time to time if you choose to look down the street towards where his house is. You may see him driving by in his car. But you may never see him more than that and more importantly, he may never see you. But I think that the task for you is to not bring in the threat from the past and to work on feeling safe there in T, no matter if you ever see him again or not.

Thank you for sharing. As for the house, it is impossible not to see it when I go to T. It's quite close. I know I'm not in danger now, and I'm not even sure what emotion I was experiencing when I saw him. I just know that I'm anxious, and feeling a little sick about it right now. You are right that I need to work on feeling safe in t (and in general). Safety is a big issue for me. It's hard for me to think of any instance when I truly felt safe.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you take a less direct route? Like walk on a parallel street until you bypass the house.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can you take a less direct route? Like walk on a parallel street until you bypass the house.

No, the house is on the corner. My options are to either walk on the same street as it's on, and go right by it, or to walk on the main street, and then it's in direct view when I turn to walk up to the office.

[sittingatwatersedge]

do you have a car? If it were me, I wouldn't walk there, I would drive there and come to T's building from the other direction (and go home by same opposite route).

that way you never have to pass the house at all,

and being in the car will remind you that you are not small and defenseless any more, you are grown up and can run over someone who tries to get in your way!!!

[seventyeight]

hi trdleblue. i think this is a perfect opportunity for you to work out some of this issue, with the help of your therapist. instead of disliking the fact that your perpetrator's house is so close to his office, maybe you can see it as a blessing. now you have the opportunity perhaps to go to/near the house with your therapist and deal with whatever feelings come up (like exposure therapy or something). also, it might be possible for your therapist to help you feel like it's a safe environment. just some ideas.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

do you have a car? If it were me, I wouldn't walk there, I would drive there and come to T's building from the other direction (and go home by same opposite route).

that way you never have to pass the house at all,

and being in the car will remind you that you are not small and defenseless any more, you are grown up and can run over someone who tries to get in your way!!!

Thank you for your response, but no I don't have a car, and regardless of which direction I come from I would still see the house. It's just something I'm going to have to learn to deal with.

Originally Posted by seventyeight

hi trdleblue. i think this is a perfect opportunity for you to work out some of this issue, with the help of your therapist. instead of disliking the fact that your perpetrator's house is so close to his office, maybe you can see it as a blessing. now you have the opportunity perhaps to go to/near the house with your therapist and deal with whatever feelings come up (like exposure therapy or something). also, it might be possible for your therapist to help you feel like it's a safe environment. just some ideas.

I guess that's a good way to look at things. It's not that I think this person will ever do anything to me again. I'm sure he's much different now. I also still went to school with him through high school. During that time I would just keep my distance and I was very good at pushing emotions away. I think now since I'm trying to deal with my feelings this is effecting me more then it would have before.

Right now I'm still debating e-mailing my T. I really don't want to, but if I don't then I'm not sure if I will bring it up in session.