I don't know what the hell is going on. I am wishing that I had never gone to T in the first place. This whole thing is breaking me and has made me suicidally depressed. My life has become a train wreck and therapy has not helped. Things have been in a consistent downward spiral for some time now. There was a moment when I thought things were improving, but that moment has passed. I feel like T has been trying to dump me, but I have been too stupid to realize it.

I sent T an email on Friday night letting him know how I am doing that I am depressed and feeling hopeless...nothing. No contact over the weekend. I sent him an email Monday morning letting him know that I was angry at him and that I feel he only validated one concern regarding my H situation. I expressed how hopeless and depressed I am...nothing. I sent three more emails on Monday and he finally responded with this at 10 pm:

Psychicbaby -

There is no need to be sorry. I was away this weekend and on the road
today so I did not have email access. I'm sorry you have been having a
rough time. I think you raised some issues in your emails that we
should talk through when we meet. I should be easier to reach tomorrow
if you need to.

- T

I felt like I needed more than this. I have been consistently feeling like I want to die and this wasn't enough. I emailed him back at 1 am this is part of my reply. The other content was too personal:

I would have felt much better if you had said don't email me anymore because I am not going to take the time to address them in a caring manner. I would feel much better if you would just say that you are going to give me the same pat answer every time I do. This has destroyed me. Life and therapy have destroyed me. Therapy has made it excruciating to exist. I am in such a bad way. Much worse than I have ever been. It keeps getting worse and darker with each day that the passes. It is too painful to be here and to bear it anymore. It is too much. I have really tried so so hard. I feel a sense that my life will end in tragedy and no one will have understood. I will be gone and I will have meant nothing. The tragedy will be that every second here hurt. Every moment was painful even the beautiful ones and those sometimes more because they are so few and fleeting and live inside me with HD clarity to remind me that they are lost. No one will understand this. I just can't take anymore pain.

He did not respond at all to this email. At five pm I sent him another email apologizing for the angry ones and apologizing for hurting his feelings if I did.....he did not respond.

I texted him at 7 pm and asked why he was ignoring my emails. He said he was not in the office (Duh!!!!) and to call him if I needed to talk. I could not do that. I texted him back to ask if he did not have access to email all day....no response.

I emailed him this at 10 pm last night:

T -

I did not know what to say, so I didn't call. I don't know what to think. I don't know if I want to go to my appointment tomorrow.

- Psychicbaby

No response. Then I emailed him at 1 am and asked him to cancel my appointment because I am confused and I don't know what to think about this. I am too depressed to go and I don't understand what he wants from me anymore. I feel completely abandoned when I need him most and am so close to the edge. I feel like my life is a f*#king joke. He has still not responded to any of my emails or the text I sent. Not even to confirm my cancellation. I want to hate him but I feel like I deserve this treatment and I am too numb to feel much of anything right now.

Maybe he really isn't looking at the emails, psychicbaby. I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. I really think you should go to your appointment. Really. Please go and at least talk to him. Is there something we can do here on the forum to help?

T's really can't address these kinds of deep issues/feelings in emails, and most simply won't. It is completely usual and normal for a therapist to respond saying that we need to talk about these things personally in session or in the least over the phone because email really isn't the appropriate venue for such serious and in-depth discussions. T's simply can't do therapy via email. Try not to take that as not caring about you. On the contrary, he's telling you he wants to work with you on these things in the best environment possible -- in his office, face-to-face.

He's asking you to at least phone him when you are in this kind of despair so he can hear your voice, ask questions, you can ask questions, you can clarify what each other are saying. You DO know what you want to say because you said many things via email and right here on PC, but for some reason you aren't wanting to talk to him on the phone. Do you know why that is?

I can't go. I haven't even showered today. I am supposed to be doing homework. I can't concentrate to get anything done. I know he has his phone and got the text I sent him. I know he has seen the emails I sent him by now. I don't want to go to school today. I am so tired. I am still too terrified to act on anything right now. I am just a pathetic useless waste. I don't understand why he is doing this. He knows how I feel and cannot summon anything to say to try to help me? I don't understand why I always make everyone hate me.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

T's really can't address these kinds of deep issues/feelings in emails, and most simply won't. It is completely usual and normal for a therapist to respond saying that we need to talk about these things personally in session or in the least over the phone because email really isn't the appropriate venue for such serious and in-depth discussions. T's simply can't do therapy via email. Try not to take that as not caring about you. On the contrary, he's telling you he wants to work with you on these things in the best environment possible -- in his office, face-to-face.

He's asking you to at least phone him when you are in this kind of despair so he can hear your voice, ask questions, you can ask questions, you can clarify what each other are saying. You DO know what you want to say because you said many things via email and right here on PC, but for some reason you aren't wanting to talk to him on the phone. Do you know why that is?

When I talk to him on the phone he says the same thing. We can address these things in person. What is the point? I need to address some things when they surface. I cannot afford to see him two or three times a week every time something comes up. He just does not care.

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

I can't go. I haven't even showered today. I am supposed to be doing homework. I can't concentrate to get anything done. I know he has his phone and got the text I sent him. I know he has seen the emails I sent him by now. I don't want to go to school today. I am so tired. I am still too terrified to act on anything right now. I am just a pathetic useless waste. I don't understand why he is doing this. He knows how I feel and cannot summon anything to say to try to help me? I don't understand why I always make everyone hate me.

Woah. Lots of emotional thinking going on here. First, take a shower and go. Go without taking a shower. He won't care. Hop to it. When you are in this much distress, sometimes you have to make yourself do exactly the opposite of what you seem to want to do (which is isolate and waste away). Second, he isn't doing anything to you. He has already said he wants to see you in session and help you with what is going on. You already have his response; it just isn't the one you wanted. And it's a good response from him. He's telling you to come in and talk to him directly about what is going on with you. He's put the ball in your court, so go see him so he can actually try to help you. Third, nothing in his response or lack thereof says he "hates" you. Nothing at all. Sounds like old stuff coming through that needs to be handled in session. Go, go, go. You can do this.

I just don't think i can. I have had a complete relapse of T feelings. I dream about him almost every night. I don't want to wake up from them because in them he loves me so much. Right now I wish my T would just love me back. (Sorry for the romantic mention on this side of the forum, but this is mainly about therapy) I am so sick. He is a disease in my psyche and it is making me so sick. I can't get rid of it. I was awake most of the night. I don't want to dream. I think I need sleep though because my body aches and my mind is slow. I have time to think about it. My appointment isn't until 5:30 pm.

[mcl6136]

I want to underscore what FG said....go, go,go.
You can do this.

[Gadgetsmile]

I feel for you

But I agree with those above, it is times like this when you want to break away you have to push yourself forward. And you are strong. You got this far and you can do this.

Grab a shower, try to find something to get distracted by until your appointment. (music, tv, a book, what ever works for you)
Then get going because you need support right now, and however much we all really, really want to support you we can't do it in the same way as your t. So let him help you and we will be here after

Phychicbaby..... go go go ...... shower or not, whatever..... just go. He never responded either because A) he isn't taking your cancellation request seriously or B) he has been busy, he told you he was out of pocket this weekend, they are people too with lives and other patients. I have done this same thing before and it made me want to dig my eyes out with sporks versus face T. But I went and It was one of the most open and honest sessions ever. You will regret not going, you know you will. I am here to tell you... you will regret it. Better to get in there and clear the air and survey the damage and repair it verses sitting in this pool of blackness and sorrow. You may even want to contact him and MAKE SURE he didn't cancel your appointment ( I've had to do that one too ).... Trust me , from an old pro at the " I love you , get away " game... go to your appointment. You cant win if you don't play.

OMG! I f*#king HATE HIM!!! he responded to me like a robot! I was not going to go but now I want to go just to tell him how much I absolutely hate him! He didn't answer his phone when I called him and I'm sure he will try to punish me and not let me have my appointment now. Ughhhhh!!! I hate this. I never thought he would be this way. I don't know why I ever trust anyone!

Thank you for being so supportive all ! I am going for a shower now. I am just not made for this stuff.

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

OMG! I f*#king HATE HIM!!! he responded to me like a robot! I was not going to go but now I want to go just to tell him how much I absolutely hate him! He didn't answer his phone when I called him and I'm sure he will try to punish me and not let me have my appointment now. Ughhhhh!!! I hate this. I never thought he would be this way. I don't know why I ever trust anyone!

Relax..... this could be skewed thinking and they typically don't set out to punish us. Did you leave a message? How did he respond like a robot if he didn't answer? You don't HATE him either, you are upset because you have felt needy and he wasn't there for you. So, you WANT to hate him but chances are you really DON'T WANT to hate him, you just want him to acknowledge your pain and help you.

I'm not understanding how he responded to you like a robot if he didn't answer his phone. ?

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Relax..... this could be skewed thinking and they typically don't set out to punish us. Did you leave a message? How did he respond like a robot if he didn't answer? You don't HATE him either, you are upset because you have felt needy and he wasn't there for you. So, you WANT to hate him but chances are you really DON'T WANT to hate him, you just want him to acknowledge your pain and help you.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I'm not understanding how he responded to you like a robot if he didn't answer his phone. ?

He finally responded via email after I posted here. He said feel free to call and he didn't answer.

The email response was robotic and unfeeling, twenty four cancelation....blah blah blah....email has become unproductive...blah blah...are you kidding me? It was unproductive because he decided to ignore me for 36 hours AND he never even acknowledged the fact that HE said he would be available.

I sent him a bunch of angry texts and he called and left vm while I was in the shower so I called again...no answer...then texted...then he texted me back and said I could have my appointment. I seriously don't even know why I am going at this point.

Your words are wise Lola...I know this...but I hate him for hurting me. I feel like he drew me in and we were so close and now he is cutting me off. I hate myself more than anyone for maki people hate me. He will probably terminate me over the texts....

Originally Posted by Psychicbaby323

Your words are wise Lola...I know this...but I hate him for hurting me. I feel like he drew me in and we were so close and now he is cutting me off. I hate myself more than anyone for maki people hate me. He will probably terminate me over the texts....

ok dude.... your gonna hate me for saying this... I cant even believe I'm going to use this word.... but its a BOUNDARY issue. I know, leaves a bad taste in my mouth too. You need to have a conversation with him about what you need to do in the situations where you feel like you need to reach out. Ask for a second chance on the email/text front.... maybe he will agree. If he's a good T he will know exactly what's going on. You are lashing out and have really put him in a position that HE CANT WIN, you will read words differently depending on your current mood. So when he texts or emails and your already pissed off at him, it doesn't matter what he types it will feel cold and unfeeling. He said to call, but he also works.... he called you back. If you truly like this T you can work this out....this is a great opportunity to agree on some boundaries regarding outside session contact, be it he will never respond or only when you ask... or whatever. If he cuts you off completely ask him if its negotiable later, its not to punish you but to save his sanity. I've had email time outs.... the only reason I feel like I can say this to you is because this behavior was mine a little over a year ago with xT, I mean spot on mine. I didn't invent it nor perfect it , but I'm starting to understand it.... If you like him you can fix this and it will make you stronger. PM me if you ever need to.

[Sunne]

PB - I know what you mean by drew you in and now is cutting you off. It's very hard to go through. It sounds like he made a mistake in doing that with you.

I hope you go and you can get all of this out on the table and I hope he will clear things up.

Sometimes though, the way we perceive another actions can be way off. I'm bad with this and T challenges my thinking a lot. I perceive rejection and abandonment very easily where T is just actually busy.

But... it could also be that he does think email has gotten out of hand. It did for me too! I'm taking a forced break right now to think things through and see how I actually feel about things.

*hugs*

[mcl6136]

posst-shower, I'm assuming you're going?

You can do this!

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

ok dude.... your gonna hate me for saying this... I cant even believe I'm going to use this word.... but its a BOUNDARY issue. I know, leaves a bad taste in my mouth too. You need to have a conversation with him about what you need to do in the situations where you feel like you need to reach out. Ask for a second chance on the email/text front.... maybe he will agree. If he's a good T he will know exactly what's going on. You are lashing out and have really put him in a position that HE CANT WIN, you will read words differently depending on your current mood. So when he texts or emails and your already pissed off at him, it doesn't matter what he types it will feel cold and unfeeling. He said to call, but he also works.... he called you back. If you truly like this T you can work this out....this is a great opportunity to agree on some boundaries regarding outside session contact, be it he will never respond or only when you ask... or whatever. If he cuts you off completely ask him if its negotiable later, its not to punish you but to save his sanity. I've had email time outs.... the only reason I feel like I can say this to you is because this behavior was mine a little over a year ago with xT, I mean spot on mine. I didn't invent it nor perfect it , but I'm starting to understand it.... If you like him you can fix this and it will make you stronger. PM me if you ever need to.

I have loved my T so much and it hurts now that we are having all of these problems coming up. My perception is wonked out right now. I am really surprised he even said he will see me. I feel like he didn't have any boundaries, everything was cool with him and now after the first one it seems like it is going to be boundary after boundary. Clearly I don't know how to deal with any of this. I am a psychotic rager. I told him I was just coming to tell him how much I hate him...I seriously suck so much!

Originally Posted by Sunne

PB - I know what you mean by drew you in and now is cutting you off. It's very hard to go through. It sounds like he made a mistake in doing that with you.

I hope you go and you can get all of this out on the table and I hope he will clear things up.

Sometimes though, the way we perceive another actions can be way off. I'm bad with this and T challenges my thinking a lot. I perceive rejection and abandonment very easily where T is just actually busy.

But... it could also be that he does think email has gotten out of hand. It did for me too! I'm taking a forced break right now to think things through and see how I actually feel about things.

*hugs*

I guess he must think I am out of control with it.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

posst-shower, I'm assuming you're going?

You can do this!

Yes, I am going. Thanks...

Although I don't know how productive it will be. I need to run out and I will let you all know how it goes when I get back this evening.

T session rewind....

So when I got there I apologized to him for my raging and he said well wait, how can we discuss anything if you're going to dismiss it as you were wrong. He said I would leave feeling the same. So we got into it and I told him how I felt about him not responding. He explained his side and said that I don't want to talk to him/am still afraid of talking to him and that is why I didn't call. He is right. He asked me why I wanted to apologize and I told him that I don't really hate him and I didn't want his feelings to be hurt. He said the feelings I had were valid. He said that when we are together I can get all of the information I need about where he is at. He said my "tests" to determine rather or not people care "suck and are the worst possible measures for if someone cares about me" ....yikes T that was kinda harsh....but I guess all of my WTF's and "I hate yous" were harsh too, so we'll call it a wash.

We went around about email, I suggested he get an iPhone, to streamline his ability to be reached....he didn't bite. I told him he was becoming a boundary Nazi and that I felt tricked by the lack of boundaries before and now the fact that they are suddenly popping up everywhere. He said, "that's ok you don't have to like me, but I am going to do what is best for you". He said the emails used to work and now that they have become destructive we are not going to use them....! He said that I can email issues I wish to discuss and he will review them before session, but no emotional stuff. He said if I need him I can call him. I said what if I need to call you as much as I email you..."then I will have to start charging you for phone calls!"....it made me feel like a number so I thanked him for treating me like Psychicbaby4379. He laughed.

I told him he has changed and he said he knows he has and he knows how to help me. He said I was already doing better with eye contact during the session. At one point he called me out and said I know he really cares but I want to prove he's a jerk sooner rather than later...he's right. I asked if he pushed my buttons and was looking for the rage. He said no that it would have been fake if he'd done that and he wanted me to trust him with it and he is glad that I did. I told him I didn't want him to see that. He said he knew it was there and after seeing it he still doesn't feel like there is anything unlikable about me.

I accused him of being a robot several times during the session for his response. He said he is not a robot and he doesn't always have an answer for things. Apparently there is no list of things for T's to say. He said that the emails were making me feel totally alone out there and asked me why I felt that I deserved to feel that way and I told him I didn't know and then said that it is because I suck. He said that he is going to continue to push me and that I won't always like him. I don't really care for his "tough" T shenanigans, but he is really good and cares a lot and I right now I am happy he's "my T".

There was a bunch more, but these were the points that stick out right now. It was a good session. A really good session. We both laughed a good bit and I feel like it was productive. I have such a great T. I really love him and when it gets it right it makes it feel worth the angst. I am so glad I went. I hate that I am so so fearful and have sheer terror about going sometimes, but hopefully in time it will subside.

I left feeling happy and with a sense that we are someplace we haven't been before. It's really really scary, but I think today showed me that I really am willing to trust him...even with the ugliest parts of me.

I know I would not have gone if I did not get a push from you all on here. I can't say how much I appreciate it. Thanks y'all...

I feel like this right now...

Good job darling, same time next week ? Ill push you every week...good session.

Yeah..hopefully with a little less angst next week..hopefully...maybe

So glad you up and went. Good work.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Psychic,
I'm glad you went and were productive Good for you!

[Sunne]

Glad you had a productive and open session. Sounds positive Good work!