Even after 9yrs I still watch the clock in T so I can say "we're finished". T has never had that chance. Last week T asked me a question about a negative coping behaviour she knows about and I admitted it is still an issue & then asked her "what are you thinking?" In relation to my admitting to it. T replied "I'm thinking its time". Oh gosh I left feeling terrible. The feeling of rejection grew & grew. Something from my past was becoming conscious and I knew this was transference but still the feelings were real.

Friday was a very difficult session. I couldn't talk. I kept going to but I just couldn't. T said that she feels as if I am going to say something is that how I felt? I nodded yes, she asked what was stopping me. I said I can't talk.

Most of session went this way, T said I want her to know what was going on. I said but I'm not playing a game where I want you to guess its just I can't tell you incase you dismiss the thing you did that has hurt me so much.

I got home and emailed T the 2 sentences that triggered me and she replied saying would it help if she told me that the rest of that senstence was "I'm thinking its time........AND not a good time to be finished after asking you that question". I replied yes that does help and I need things like that spelt out. She apologised (hate it when she does) and said she will try too in future.

I can't belief rejection is such a painful wound. This morning going over in my mind with all this stuff I suddenly remember an incident in the summer when my daughter had arranged to get her nails done by my sons gf. My sons gf came round and had miss understood what kind of nail treatment my daughter wanted and there was this moment when my daughter realised this, when my sons gf realised this and I couldn't bear it. I had to go upstairs because I felt so uncomfortable. I didn't know what it was about. I wanted to rescue my sons gf but at the same time respected my daughters abilty to be able to say "no actually it's this I want" and not feel awkward doing that.

This morning I realised to me that felt like rejection. I was projecting my feelings of rejection into my sons gf. I have no idea if she was feeling like that. I mean for "normal" people it's just a misunderstanding - end off - for me it was huge. So painful.

Sorry for lonnnnng post

I'm glad you were able to email your T. I've had situations like this that took weeks for me to be able tell T about.

Thanks for sharing the story about the misunderstanding...it helped me to realize that I project my feelings onto other people. I have to try so hard not to do it.... I realize that I get embarrassed for other people about a situation and they just brush it off...

I totally understand both of these situations. Even implied rejection feels CRUSHING to me, and misunderstanding what someone else has wanted makes me feel so horrible also. Even the feeling of wanting to rescue someone else from the feelings you think they are having makes total and complete sense to me. I don't think I even really thought about it as a therapeutic issue.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Yeah, I agree with the others, thanks for verbalizing your feeling of rejection, it all makes so much sense to me.

T says regarding this topic perhaps we need to work on reality checks. I am terrified of asking her for a realty check. I know she will say that's how it felt with my mother but I don't have any memories of being scared of her. Oh wait a moment, that's because I repressed feelings of terror.

I am determined to talk about how afraid to ask T what she is really thinking compared to what I think she is thinking. Even though it scares me to do so.

[rainbow8]

I can relate to feelings of rejection. I'm so sensitive that the slightest hint of being rejected makes me feel terrible. I also get embarrassed for other people's mistakes when they seem to let it go.

I'm glad you were able to tell your T what bothered you and that she finished the sentence for you. Reality checks are important, but hard to do when you don't want to take the chance of getting rejected.

[unaluna]

good catch! I used to feel this way about my work, that I couldn't STAND for anybody to see it. then after a few years, I got pretty cocky about it and wanted to show it off. I also read a classic at the time, "egoless programming". i'm so glad your T finished her sentence! very interesting topic. also your total dismay at the nail snafu. I was just thinking this morning, how my mother forced me out of the house I grew up in, then a while later, when it hadn't sold, she was begging me to return until it did sell. I totally didn't understand. What were her needs, what were my needs? I finally decided that she couldn't be honest about any of them, but I could, and I would go with mine.