[lostmyway21]

Ok so I never screwed up so bad in my life. I was doing great with boundaries, and everything until yesterday. Yesterday I felt like the world was falling apart. I emailed T and begged for help and he did email me back once right away. I was still in a state of panic ALL day. I was blind to everything including boundaries. But oh no then it got bad. At 1030p I started texting him and this went on a good half hour. I was drinking earlier in the night and although I was then sober I was an emotional wreck and needed his help. I was taking all his texts out of context and the all of a sudden at like 1115pm he calls me and well first is like HELLO look at the time. Stop misinterpreting my texts, and wait until session. Then I started crying really hard and he stopped his attack. He started trying to figure out what was wrong, but then his little kid started crying so he hung up. He texted me back after that she was sick and he was the only one there to take care of her because his wife was away. Then he texted me if I was feeling too overwhelmed and impulsive and was going to do something to call 911, or we would see each other in session.

I feel like I have to quit therapy after last night.

[Fixated]

I don't think you've screwed up. At worst, it's a setback.

I think your T will understand and they you can work through it. You just have to get back on the horse.

I really think it would be helpful to have some other outlet to turn to besides T. Other strategies to employ before it gets to explosiveness. Help lines that will just listen maybe. I know this is easier said than done.

Best.

[Miswimmy1]

I think that you can take the opportunity to learn from this. I think ur t will understand and that you can work through it. Therapy is a process and its not a straight path up. You are going to have setbacks, or as I like to call them, detours (because you aren't really going backwards, you are just having a few things that you didnt intend to have happen).

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Fixated

You just have to get back on the horse.

Oh i love horse metaphors

[wotchermuggle]

I think it was a bad night for you and your therapist. It happens. What will make the difference will be how you both handle it from this point forward.

I think it will be a good experience to learn from.

[mcl6136]

You spiraled out of control, sounds like. I am so glad you are posting here. In the future, I would encourage you to post here rather than text so much. Post early and often, and join me in being one of the people who is not above replying to my own posts!
Please try to give yourself a break for slipping!

Last night is behind you. You are digging out. Keep going. You can do this.

[lostmyway21]

I thought about reaching out here but I couldn't focus enough to to do that. I was only able to post after it all had happened. I spiraled so bad and fast I couldn't stop myself. T was the only safe place I went with it all.

I all afraid what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to be lectured or yelled at about him not being a 24hr service again, and to only contact him for emergencies.

Which he established WAS halfway through our convo and almost called 911 on me.

I texted a little bit ago and asked him if he was mad and if he would forgive me for last night. His response was.."I'm not mad, no need to forgive, see you tomorrow"

I'm still really scared to go.

[mcl6136]

Lack of focus...why that has NEVER happened to me! ; )

Keep in mind, this guy works for you. While I'm not encouraging you to keep someone on a 24 hour retainer, it's also not his job to "yell" or "lecture" you...and putting this kind of scenario into play in your head isn't all that helpful, in my view (but I do it all the time...hehehe!)

Hang in there. And try to breathe your way through this!

[lostmyway21]

I know I am going to get in some sort of trouble tomorrow.

[karebear1]

Lost- it's true. You might get in some sort of trouble tomorrow- who knows? So, if you do, then how can you be prepared to deal with it? Try to come up with a plan together so that the next time it happens you can work the plan you and T ahve come up with.

For instance- When you start to spam T, do you tell him you're spiraling? Do you tell him specifically that you feel a need to text and text and text?? What can T do or say to help you gain control in those moments? Sometimes we just need to be that specific when this stuff happens. I know you don't like it when this happens- neither does T. You can come up with solutions to help you both. Please work hard on it Lost. I'm so afraid that he's gonna get burned out if this continues and then if he does his response will be fast and definite. ((((((HUGS)))))

[lostmyway21]

Well he just ignores my spam email. And the texting was an actual convo. Out of know where he called me. It all would have ended at 1pm if he had called me then, but I didn't know he would do that. I didn't ask for it. I thought by me spamming him he would have figured out I needed that.

I've gone 2weeks without a mistake...I AM makin progress. Until this happened.

[karebear1]

You are definetly making progress- and believe me he knows it! T's expect some back sliding so don't worry too much about it.

Open up a real conversation about what happened lost. Tell him you worry when what happened last night happens and then tell him you need some kind of buzz word that he will recognize as a word that tells him you're feeling out of control and you need a response from him to keep yourself grounded and in control.

He'll see even more progress if you can do that and then put it into practice. It will take trust on both parts, but it cand be done. Also- if he can't reply with what you need immediately, maybe he can just send you back a word that implies he got your message, he really busy, but he will reply asap. That would help too wouldn't it?

I've been where you are- it's so hard. But you can do this! Try your best to come up with a plan that will assist you and T . What do you think you could do? Any ideas??

Can you try looking at it as that your T is not your parent and therefore will not "punish" you? Just try looking at the situation differently? You are not going to go in there and "get in trouble" You will probably have to have a talk on the boundaries and be reminded of other coping strategies, but you will not "Get in trouble". T is there to help you. Not to punish you, shame you, yell at you, make trouble for you. But to help you. Hugs Hugs Hugs.

Originally Posted by Jersey01

Can you try looking at it as that your T is not your parent and therefore will not "punish" you? Just try looking at the situation differently? You are not going to go in there and "get in trouble" You will probably have to have a talk on the boundaries and be reminded of other coping strategies, but you will not "Get in trouble". T is there to help you. Not to punish you, shame you, yell at you, make trouble for you. But to help you. Hugs Hugs Hugs.

This is a very good point. Yes, your T will probably want to talk again about boundaries, but talking isn't punishment. It is working through whatever the issue is and hopefully coming to some insight or skills to help you next time you feel out of control. He's not going to stand you in the corner. He's not going to make you wear a scarlet "B" because you didn't maintain boundaries. He will probably go back over the rules about texting, etc. which will probably seem like punishment to you, but really it isn't. If he decides to firm up the boundaries, even that isn't punishment. He will be doing what needs to be done to help you manage your anxiety, etc.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I all afraid what tomorrow will bring. I don't want to be lectured or yelled at about him not being a 24hr service again, and to only contact him for emergencies.

Which he established WAS halfway through our convo and almost called 911 on me.

I texted a little bit ago and asked him if he was mad and if he would forgive me for last night. His response was.."I'm not mad, no need to forgive, see you tomorrow"

I'm still really scared to go.

Lonely, I think you and I are twins and that your T is secretly mine.... I have done this and continue to do this every so often. I am doing it less then I did at the beginning, it will become easier. If T said he wasn't mad and nothing to forgive then so be it.... we have to learn to trust what they say. Now that doesn't mean you wont talk about it , but if you apologized and he said no need...then you have to trust this. I am sure you are not the first client to have done this... ((((lonely)))))

[Miswimmy1]

I dont think you are going to get in trouble. therapy is all about expressing emotion and feelings. It sounds like your t isn't mad at you. sure he may not have been happy but it was more likely that he was venting his exasperation at you from being home alone with a sick kid, etc. it was an inconvenient time, but its over and i think he will be able to help you move on... (((hugs))))

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I know I am going to get in some sort of trouble tomorrow.

Sorry your in so much pain Lost. I really hope you and your therapist can find away that gets you on a path to healing that works for both of you.

Please don't feel offended by this question: " How does a grown adult get in [trouble] with a therapist?" I'm quite confused.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Lonely, I think you and I are twins and that your T is secretly mine.... I have done this and continue to do this every so often. I am doing it less then I did at the beginning, it will become easier. If T said he wasn't mad and nothing to forgive then so be it.... we have to learn to trust what they say. Now that doesn't mean you wont talk about it , but if you apologized and he said no need...then you have to trust this. I am sure you are not the first client to have done this... ((((lonely)))))

Ahhhh that makes me feel better I have session in 10 minutes. Ill let you all know what happens.

[lostmyway21]

He never once mentioned what happened.

But worst night ever should be continued by worst session. I can't even tell you how terribly bad it went. The worst was at the end when we were talking about being wreckless and self medicating.... He told me a story of a kid he had just like me that said he wouldn't do it again and went home and OD'd. My answer? You wouldn't care if I did the same thing. He got so ANGRY, he turned his chair away from me so he could keep some composure. He was like do you not know how much I care about you by now?!?!

Yeah fail session. It was that little part 100x worse. I never want to go back. He's swers that within like two to three weeks I'm going to have some huge emotional breakdown and end up in hospital. WTF.

[pbutton]

Do you really think he doesn't care about you?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

H You wouldn't care if I did the same thing.

This, to me, sounds like an indirect way to push buttons to see if someone cares...I'd imagine it would be important for you to explore why you feel the need to do that, when you can get that in a healthier way.

[lostmyway21]

I honestly just blurted it out.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

I honestly just blurted it out.

I understand....and it's the beauty of therapy, to be able to explore the hidden meanings of what we say in the moment. What tends to be blurted out is ripe for evaluation, as it's not filtered by our brains.

[lostmyway21]

I always wanted to know if me dying would have any impact on him. He gave me the opportunity to ask. And was PISSED when I did.

[pbutton]

It doesn't sound like you asked him. It sounds like you told him how he felt.