How do you know T is sincere?

I KNOW my T is sincere just by watching her face when she talks to me. I knew it from my first appointment with her. Maybe it's not always that clear, but in general, like others are saying, Ts have to be sincere or they wouldn't be good at what they do. I say to trust your T!

I find this really sad. Of course, there's a realistic aspect of life and truth in this. But is this really the sum of the relationship for you? Because for me, the quality, sincerity, consistency, integrity of the relationship was everything and was worth far more than I could have ever paid for it. I wasn't paying the T to do a job: I was paying for his time, attention, training, experience, and wise judgment--and his willingness to invest in me.

And my T has continued to support me past therapy--not in the same ways as through therapy, I wouldn't expect that and it wouldn't be possible; but of value, nonetheless.

For me, much of t's sincerity is relayed through her non-verbals. She has very caring facial expressions.

In reading these posts, I also realized that t doesn't heap on the praise. She will compliment me sometimes or point out progress, but it's not over the top. And often she will ask a question to get me to acknowledge the progress myself. (One of my issues is self-esteem and being able to feel good about myself without the approval of others.) And while I certainly like it when t praises me, I think the fact that she doesn't compliment me all the time makes the times does compliment me feel more sincere.

It is for me - and I think it is a good thing.

Well, you seem to have very clear and tight boundaries in your life. Whether that's a good thing or not, no one else here can say.

You're comfortable with this, but it still leaves me puzzled about what benefits you get from therapy. Perhaps I can't conceive of a definition of therapy that doesn't include a seeking to enlarge one's perceptions of life and self, and seeing that pursuit as furthered largely through relationship.

Yeah I mean I have a mentee who has been in my life for the past 5 years.. and she is the sweetest thing ever. I love her to death.. but we aren't "Friends" Because I don't expect things from her... you know. I don't call her if I need help, or if I'm sad.. I am there to help her.. but I am equally invested in the relationship.. because I love who she is and it brings me happiness to help her. So It's an intimate professional relationship. She's 16 now.. In 20 years it may change the face of the relationship.. but right now.. it's perfect, and genuine and real.

I can see in my T's face and in his mannerisms that he is sincere.

I keep looking at this thread & being amazed at how many people watch the T's face. I've been trying to look at him more often, but it's annoying because he keeps smiling.

I don't look at the one I see unless I am angry or if she is laughing at me. I don't usually sense sincerity from the woman, but I am not usually looking for it either.

It took me a very long time for me to believe my T was sincere...and that is mostly because of my own issue with self-worth. I did not feel worthy of the good things she was telling me. Now that my self-worth is increasing, I can see that I am worthy of the things she is telling me.

I think my T has told a few white lies, but mostly in regards to herself. That is a reflection of her issues, not of my own.

I look at t's face more than I used to, but I think I just have a hard time reading expression accurately in general. He's even sent me home with computer games where you pick out happy faces from groups of faces. I'm not sure this game helps me much but he's insistent I do it.

I'm also surprised how many say they know t is sincere because he/she shows it through actions. Like what actions? Hugging and such? My T is not actiony like that.

Making eye contact and looking at T's face is very difficult for me. I can't read people's faces at all so that is no help for me when determining someone's sincerity. For me it's more in his voice and his presence. I can't really explain it but I guess I just sense it somehow. There is nothing specific that I can put my finger on, I just feel that he is safe and trustworthy. Granted, I tend to discount anything positive he says after some time has passed, but in the moment I feel he is sincere. So, I am beginning to think that those doubts are merely my own internal self loathing and not at all an indication of T being insincere.

Starting again is often very scary. As an Aspie, I know how long it would take to build a relationship with a new therapist.

People say I'm loyal, but I'm just afraid strangers.

Feralkitty...sorry if this sounds sad to you. It really is the sum of how I view therapy....I wasn't paying the T to do a job: I was paying for his time, attention, training, experience, and wise judgment--and his willingness to invest in me. However you view it, you're still paying for it.

I agree. I've invested too much time with current T to be going out and starting over. While I have doubts about how to read him at times, starting over with a new person would be worse. Also, I just feel he is the most qualified to help me, out of all the other Ts in this area.

When I can't pay he sees me for free.
He is honest.
He shows he cares.
He is consistent.
He is gentle, understanding, and accepting - always.

Ts never get sick of anyone who is trying their best.

I'm afraid you've lost me with this last line. Can you explain?
ETA: Oh--wait a minute. Maybe I see. I first read "still" as meaning time--like I'm continuing to pay for it now. My mistake.

Yes, the reality is therapy is a service business. But I think it's a mistake to see that as meaning it does not, by definition, have characteristics unique to it, separating it from the mechanic who fixes your car. The mechanic is going to charge me $2000 to replace my transmission whether or not he likes me, he knows I also had to pay for a new roof this month, he knows I'm sad because a friend died. The rest of my life simply doesn't effect how he provides his service. And if I can't pay the $2000, then I have to go find another mechanic.

But a T's profession makes all of those concerns relevant. And if the T is ethical, it also means he can't just decide one fine day that he doesn't want to provide you the service anymore, so bye-bye. He must, according to his professional ethics, accommodate your life situation as much as is possible. Of course, he has to earn a living, and how he sets up his practice reflects that. But there has to be a flexibility built into the arrangement once he has accepted a client.

For about 2/3 of the time I saw my T, I couldn't pay his full fee. I first saw him through my University, so I didn't pay him directly. But when I was no longer eligible through the University, I continued with him in his private practice. He could have very easily decided at that point to no longer see me. He would have helped me find another T, I am sure, and from a financial standpoint, it would have benefited him to do so.

If it were just a job, then he made a bad business decision. He could easily have filled the hour with a higher paying client. His sincerity in wanting to help me, and his investment in our therapeutic relationship is the only reasonable explanation for his decision.

For me, that is of value beyond the monetary savings because it indicated that something about me, or about the relationship, or about the work itself was valuable in his eyes.

But I agree that it is a value judgment.

I think it does take time to trust that t is sincere. I think it also needs to be backed up with actions. Does t say one thing and act another way? Or do their actions back up their words?
Do they try to keep their word? Does their face and nonverbal cues match what they say? Do they give the same general message over and over, over time?
my first t was not sincere-- her messages would change from week to week or year to year. It confused the heck out of me, and i never did trust her. New t has been consistent from day one. Her voice and tone and face match her words. Her actions (being loving, supportive, going above and beyond, even though she has been handling a family emerge cy out of the country for over a year, having me come visit her) have backed up her words. If there were times when she couldnt do as she said and it confused me, she has had a good reason for it every time-- it was always, consistently, something that was completely out of her control (family member in the ER, car accident, phone broke,etc). She is sincere.

not meaning to hijack this thread but I saw this.
CE I don't think you give yourself enough credit (she said, who is also called 'loyal' and also afraid of strangers).

btw it's probably a liability in therapy; can make a person stay too long when they might need to make a change.