[~EnlightenMe~]

I feel better today than I have in ages. I know my feelings come and go, anger, being okay, etc. Today is different. I don't feel any disturbing emotions, I don't feel blissful or euphoric, I don't have obsessive thoughts swirling around my head. I haven't really done anything today, but what I am doing is enjoying what feels like a kind of peace. It's not nothingness, it's more like a lack of intense emotions. I might feel normal, but I don't know? I haven't felt this way in so long.

I'm okay, I don't feel worried about xT, newT, or what will come in therapy. If I can feel like this more often, I won't need to call anyone for help, I don't feel abandoned, I don't feel upset about termination. I am okay with everything just the way it is. I hope this is real, not dissociation, and that I will be able to be like this more often. I wonder if it is the new antidepressant I am taking called Viibryd? I am titrating the dose and have started on the 20 mg. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Even if everything comes back, I want to change, I want to be whole, and I want to be independent. I am going to trust my new therapist to help me do this. Feeling like this reminds me of how I can feel on a more normal basis, and I know it will be hard and painful, but I don't want to be Borderline anymore. I don't want to continue the way I have been. I've endured enough pain as it is, so changing, although scary isn't going to be any more painful, just painful in a different way. I have hope

[~EnlightenMe~]

I have been distracting myself, trying to do things, and I feel okay. BUT now I feel guilty for even complaining about not being able to contact my new T. I think I wasn't complaining but detailing my experience, but now I feel bad for even feeling that way, I feel like he is so accepting in session, and I feel like I am betraying him in some way or that I am not appreciative. I am writing this because I want to remember it to discuss in therapy. Can anyone relate?

[Anne2.0]

Sometimes it feels to me like chronic issues go through stages of healing, where at first the chronic pain is just there all the time, with brief periods of relief.

Then it moves to more like where the absence of symptoms is the steady state, but the chronic pain flares up. It feels very different-- trying to ride with the flare up rather than freak that things have really changed is very hard for me.

Of course you will have another day at some point where things flare up again. I wonder if it might help to see it not as backsliding, but as if the task now is to manage the flare up, not to re-do the healing.

I'm not sure that makes much sense but that is what your post brought up for me.

Also, I sense that you are feeling more self acceptance, the likely product of the work you have been doing related to your termination and such issues. With self acceptance (in my experience), I am much more even-keeled, where I am more okay regardless of what's going on with me externally or internally. Perhaps greater self acceptance has led you to this peaceful place.

I am happy for you that you can experience this place. You deserve to feel good.

[onlytime]

Thanks for sharing this! I really needed to see that it IS possible to not feel so desperate and obsessive!

Antimatter. This is exactly how I'm starting to feel more and more. I suspect this is how "normal" people feel. I'm loving it - it feels like I have emotional regulation now - I can control it. And, I'm really happy for you.

Just curious Antimatter, what would happen if chose interdependence over independence? Im not convinced humans were meant to be independent creatures. You don't have to answer.

[Sannah]

Great news!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Antimatter. This is exactly how I'm starting to feel more and more. I suspect this is how "normal" people feel. I'm loving it - it feels like I have emotional regulation now - I can control it. And, I'm really happy for you.

Just curious Antimatter, what would happen if chose interdependence over independence? Im not convinced humans were meant to be independent creatures. You don't have to answer.

Thanks everybody, it didn't last too long, but I hope to feel that way more often

GTGT, I am willing to chose anything other than what I am now. Interdependence sounds good to me, although I have trouble trusting people because it is destabilizing going through the trust process with people. I agree with you, though, that we were meant to be interdependent. I missed the mark on that one, lol. Hopefully, one day. I'm so glad to hear about your progress! Thanks so much!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Thanks everybody, it didn't last too long, but I hope to feel that way more often

Great way to look at it!