[Chopin99]

Trigger for abuse.











T,

Wednesday is so far away. I need a safe place, but I don't know if there will be a safe place. I know what I have to start exploring. Im afraid. I want to run away and hide. Shame. Shame is like a poison deep within. I think it's the darkness inside. It needs to come out but I'm afraid, I'm so afraid of it. I've done things, bad things. I'm afraid that when I tell you, you won't love me anymore. You'll think I'm bad and horrible and you'll want me to go away. You won't want to help me anymore. I won't have a safe place anymore.

I hate those parts of me. I am so ashamed that I might be the reason others might need therapy. I've done things. I've seen things and remained silent. When I saw those things, I thought they were normal. I found out they were not and I made a vow that I wouldn't let it happen again. It's so much responsibility.

There's so much anger at others and at myself. There's so much inside. There's sadness, remorse, guilt and shame. I can't stop crying. I'm afraid to tell you. I'm afraid you'll turn your face away.*I'm not just a victim. I abused. I watched others abuse and didn't stop them. I'm horrible. I'm so horrible. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I want to make amends, but I can't. I want to make it right. All this happened between the ages of 5 and 27. When I first went to therapy in 2004, I vowed never to let it happen again and I haven't. But I did it and I can't take it back.

I don't want to bother you on the weekend. I don't. I have no right. But I know, deep down, I have to admit the truth and I'm afraid if I don't do that right now I never will. I hate myself. Oh God I hate myself. If I email it, I can't take it back. I'll have to face it because you'll know.

Chopin

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Trigger for abuse.

Am I allowed to ask how you think you abused others?

[Anne2.0]

Chopin,

Whatever happened 10? and more years ago, especially when you were a child, is in the past. It is not who you are now and you have been dealing with it in the best way you know how (in T) for a long time. You work as hard in T as anybody I have ever seen. You have done the best that you could do.

Nobody can undo or even necessarily make amends for what they have done in the past. All you can do is move forward and deal with your past, and you are. You are not horrible, you do not deserve hate, you are not unworthy of help, nobody is going to reject you for anything you did as a child or as an adult affected by abuse.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

Am I allowed to ask how you think you abused others?

When I was in college, I worked in a preschool. Twice I was triggered by children bullying other children. I did the same thing twice; I pulled the bully up from the ground and dug my nails into their wrists. The first time it happened, management let me get away with it. The second time with the second child, he told his mom what happened and she complained to management. I was asked to resign.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Chopin,

Whatever happened 10? and more years ago, especially when you were a child, is in the past. It is not who you are now and you have been dealing with it in the best way you know how (in T) for a long time. You work as hard in T as anybody I have ever seen. You have done the best that you could do.

Nobody can undo or even necessarily make amends for what they have done in the past. All you can do is move forward and deal with your past, and you are. You are not horrible, you do not deserve hate, you are not unworthy of help, nobody is going to reject you for anything you did as a child or as an adult affected by abuse.

T does not know about any of this. She just thinks I'm a victim (although she knows some of the abuse that occurred during my affair). Starting out in my field, I witnessed abuse of my clients at the hands of fellow staff in my group homes and I said nothing. I carry a lot of shame due to that.

[CantExplain]

((Chopin))

I don't care what you've done. I love the woman you are now.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Chopin))

I don't care what you've done. I love the woman you are now.

This made me burst into tears. That's a good thing. Maybe one day I can say this to myself. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

T does not know about any of this. She just thinks I'm a victim

I keep telling my T about the bad things I have done (molesting my baby brother when I was 6) and more recently, apparently introducing a cousin (9 months older) to the sexual activities I was taught by his older brother when I was 7 and he was 8. He now feels like I molested him. I feel like crap about all of it and expected my therapist to feel the same way and not want to work with me anymore. So far, she has not responded like that at all.

[taylor43]

((((((((((((((((((Chopin)))))))) ive done many horrible things in my life. I a so sorry yu feel so badly hun, you are a good person. Your t will never think of you less. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

(((((((((Chopin))))))))) please be easy on yourself. we did the best we could. no more, no less.

please be gentle with you....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

When I was in college, I worked in a preschool. Twice I was triggered by children bullying other children. I did the same thing twice; I pulled the bully up from the ground and dug my nails into their wrists. The first time it happened, management let me get away with it. The second time with the second child, he told his mom what happened and she complained to management. I was asked to resign.

Speaking for myself, I tend not to feel guilty about things I've already been punished for. Punishment contains forgiveness.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

When I was in college, I worked in a preschool. Twice I was triggered by children bullying other children. I did the same thing twice; I pulled the bully up from the ground and dug my nails into their wrists.

Not ideal behavior, I'm sure. Understandable. I'm not sure I'd label you as an abuser because of this.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

T does not know about any of this. She just thinks I'm a victim (although she knows some of the abuse that occurred during my affair). Starting out in my field, I witnessed abuse of my clients at the hands of fellow staff in my group homes and I said nothing. I carry a lot of shame due to that.

There have been times that I have stood up when others who were less powerful were mistreated, and there are times when I have not. I don't know what it's like to work in your field, but I can only imagine that starting out, you aren't necessarily grounded enough to handle all the situations that may arise nor are you trained enough to know how to handle them.

I look back on my 20+ years of working as a professional and there are definitely a lot of choices I wish I had made differently. I know that as I have grown older & wiser I have made better choices, protected weaker others better, stood up more often for what I believe in, treated others with greater kindness and offered more of myself in helping others. From everything that you have said, you have grown as a professional and as a person since you first started working in what I think is a very tough field. What you do is very hard work and the clients you work with are people that most of us could not handle working with.

I don't find it surprising that you feel shame (although it feels like guilt to me, not shame for being, but guilt for not doing, but I'm not trying to tell you what you feel); it's not like what you're feeling is irrational. But it seems to me that you are looking for reasons to beat up on yourself, and you are not offering the compassion to the you, especially the young and inexperienced you, that you routinely offer to others.

I want to tell you that you shouldn't beat up on my friend Chopin, but I don't want to tell you what to do. I only want to tell you that you don't have to trot out all your "sins" in order to heal from the shame of them. You don't need to flog yourself publicly as punishment for the wrongs you feel you have perpetrated. I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to heal; I'm just wondering if maybe you're pushing yourself too far or too fast.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

When I was in college, I worked in a preschool. Twice I was triggered by children bullying other children. I did the same thing twice; I pulled the bully up from the ground and dug my nails into their wrists. The first time it happened, management let me get away with it. The second time with the second child, he told his mom what happened and she complained to management. I was asked to resign.


T does not know about any of this. She just thinks I'm a victim (although she knows some of the abuse that occurred during my affair). Starting out in my field, I witnessed abuse of my clients at the hands of fellow staff in my group homes and I said nothing. I carry a lot of shame due to that.

You feel GUILT about these things. That's healthy, it means you have a heart and conscience. Guilt is concerned with wrongdoing, an activity, which tends to leave a person feeling uncomfortable at the very least, but powerful enough to have harmed someone and, hopefully, powerful enough to make up for it. Shame is about embarrassment, humiliation, feeling of low value and above all, powerless.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

There have been times that I have stood up when others who were less powerful were mistreated, and there are times when I have not. I don't know what it's like to work in your field, but I can only imagine that starting out, you aren't necessarily grounded enough to handle all the situations that may arise nor are you trained enough to know how to handle them.

I look back on my 20+ years of working as a professional and there are definitely a lot of choices I wish I had made differently. I know that as I have grown older & wiser I have made better choices, protected weaker others better, stood up more often for what I believe in, treated others with greater kindness and offered more of myself in helping others. From everything that you have said, you have grown as a professional and as a person since you first started working in what I think is a very tough field. What you do is very hard work and the clients you work with are people that most of us could not handle working with.

I was terrified of the people who abused my clients. In one instance, the client who I thought we were going to lose recently was dragged down the hallway by the hands.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I don't find it surprising that you feel shame (although it feels like guilt to me, not shame for being, but guilt for not doing, but I'm not trying to tell you what you feel); it's not like what you're feeling is irrational. But it seems to me that you are looking for reasons to beat up on yourself, and you are not offering the compassion to the you, especially the young and inexperienced you, that you routinely offer to others.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

You feel GUILT about these things. That's healthy, it means you have a heart and conscience. Guilt is concerned with wrongdoing, an activity, which tends to leave a person feeling uncomfortable at the very least, but powerful enough to have harmed someone and, hopefully, powerful enough to make up for it. Shame is about embarrassment, humiliation, feeling of low value and above all, powerless.

It's both shame and guilt. I feel bad for doing (or not doing, as it were) and for being. However, I do want to take responsibility for my actions and continue ensuring it never ever happens again.

[unaluna]

a previous T's favorite question - why is this coming up now? Would changing your job to being a group home leader leave you vulnerable to being put in this position again? ie responsible for abuse, whether or not you are present? And how would you deal with it differently now?

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Chopin ))))

As much as is hurts, you are making such great strides...I admire your courage...and can very much relate to the things you are feeling. So many difficult feelings to endure...but you are working towards unburdening yourself and freeing yourself....so the pain will be worth it. (( HUGS ))

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

a previous T's favorite question - why is this coming up now? Would changing your job to being a group home leader leave you vulnerable to being put in this position again? ie responsible for abuse, whether or not you are present? And how would you deal with it differently now?

Good question, hankster, but I don't think this was quite it. I was actually triggered by what occurred at the preschool...and by something T said last session. She said she had to stop watching a particular TV show because it kept focusing on child abuse and she can't stand child abuse. That stuck with me. I had put what I'd done 13 years ago to the 2 kids there out of my mind. This morning when I woke up (perhaps I had a dream?), it was in the forefront of my mind. Then the idea extrapolated out to the abuse traded by me and my ex-GF during our affair 7-12 years ago, then to what I'd witnessed and did not report at the group home 12-13 years ago, then to abuses I witnessed and experienced within a cultish school and church between 15-30 years ago.

When I became a QP within both group homes 5 years ago, I along with the group home manager at the time, and backed by my ex-boss, executed a no-tolerance policy on abuse. Any allegations were thoroughly investigated by myself and the manager immediately in-house, then reported to the local management authority, county DSS, and the North Carolina health care personnel registry. I am not afraid of any abuser when it comes to my clients. In this matter, I was backed by my ex-boss and if I return to being a manager/QP (yes, we're re-jiggering positions), my current boss will also back me up.

It's the one good thing that came of all the abuse I've endured, witnessed, and inflicted upon others...I am a crusader now against abuse. I won't tolerate it, no matter who it happens to...myself, my clients, my family, my friends, or a stranger.

[Freefall1974]

I have always enjoyed reading your threads and posts. I worried about you when you started working on shame. For me,it was very difficult. I spent 18 months working with T just getting prepared to tackle shame. But I am a slow learner. You are brave to do the work. I would not have been able to do it alone. You have SO MANY friends here that will support you in almost anything. ( there is always 1 person who will fight with everybody) Take care of yourself.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Freefall1974

I have always enjoyed reading your threads and posts. I worried about you when you started working on shame. For me,it was very difficult. I spent 18 months working with T just getting prepared to tackle shame. But I am a slow learner. You are brave to do the work. I would not have been able to do it alone. You have SO MANY friends here that will support you in almost anything. ( there is always 1 person who will fight with everybody) Take care of yourself.

Thanks Freefall. It took me 18 months to work up to this also. I'm in month 20 of therapy this go-around. I'm glad that I can have 2x/week sessions right now. I'm just afraid that T is going to hate me.

I'm braver here than I am in T. When I mentioned one area of shame last session, desiring maternal touch, I started shaking, stuttering, looking downward, and sitting in a defensive position. I told my H for the first time ever about this area of shame the same day (read him a post from last week when T provided maternal touch) and I could hardly get through it. This is the person I trust most in the entire world and I couldn't share it with him.

Shame isn't easy. Thank you for being one of those supportive friends here.

[feralkittymom]

She just thinks I'm a victim

You are a victim--and a survivor. Nothing changes that. When you could know better, you did better. That's all that really matters.

[stopdog]

Chopin - i just hope you don't use this stuff to keep beating yourself up.

Your in a different place now. I still love you and think you are one of the greatest people on this forum. You are so brave. Once you tell T you can work on it and then you will maybe be able to try to let it go. Your doing hard work. You are going to be okay. When I first read this I did not have a thought in my head that this was a horrible thing you did. I immediately thought "Wow, Chopin was so brave and open to put this out there"

[Dreamy01]

Hugs and more hugs. I've done some horrible things in my life too. There is more to abuse than we often realise. It comes from deep inner anguish. You're trying to face it and deal with it, that shows the sort of person you are.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I want to tell you that you shouldn't beat up on my friend Chopin...

Well put!

[rainbow8]

I remember a long time ago when my daughter was little, and we were at an event, some kind of dinner. For some reason she was getting on my nerves, as little kids do, and I put my hand over her mouth. At that moment I really wanted to choke her. Right away I realized what I had done and felt awful. I loved her very much but something came over me. She wasn't hurt; it was probably a few seconds only, but I never did anything like that ever again, and I do not consider myself abusive.

I hope your T will help you show compassion for yourself. You are not an abuser! We all make some bad decisions in our lives that we regret but we are only human, and must move on. You're a very kind and good person, Chopin.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I remember a long time ago when my daughter was little, and we were at an event, some kind of dinner. For some reason she was getting on my nerves, as little kids do, and I put my hand over her mouth. At that moment I really wanted to choke her. Right away I realized what I had done and felt awful. I loved her very much but something came over me. She wasn't hurt; it was probably a few seconds only, but I never did anything like that ever again, and I do not consider myself abusive.

I hope your T will help you show compassion for yourself. You are not an abuser! We all make some bad decisions in our lives that we regret but we are only human, and must move on. You're a very kind and good person, Chopin.

Thank you for putting this out there. It is brave for you to do so. I know for me it was a long time ago, but I was just so triggered Saturday. We all do things like this, I believe, but none of us are horrible people for doing so.