[QuietCat]

Last session I had with T he asked me if I believe that HE believes I am a person that other people would be interested in pursuing a relationship with (friendship, love, whatever). And I had to tell him that I don't really believe that this is genuinely his opinion. That this is a thing he has to say as a T. That he must say this same type of encouraging thing to his other patients too.

T became visibly upset about this. He doesn't usually show much emotion. He tried to explain that he's there to encourage me but not there to sugar-coat things. That he doesn't tell his patients things that he doesn't believe to be true.

Sadly, even this explanation from him doesn't convince me that he believes I have much hope. I've been seeing him for 2 years now. My progress is so slow. He must be sick of me already.

So my question is: how can a T see patient after patient and actually see them as individuals and not just another patient sitting there? How can I trust that he's telling me what he really believes as an educated T and not just telling me empty words to encourage?

[stopdog]

I don't think a client can know if a therapist is sincere. I also do not think it matters if they are sincere or not in a specific way. But if the therapist does not usually lie to you as far as you know, why not go along with what he is saying if it might help.

My T once said that it was essential, in his line of work, that he liked everyone he worked with. But he said he didn't like everyone who walked in his door. I asked him how he did it, and he said, "I find ways to like them." I think what he meant was that we all have likable qualities, and as a T he just has to find them. And I really believe this. Even though any specific person might not be particularly likable to me, it doesn't mean that they aren't that way to other people. So a T's job is to figure out what positive aspects there are to each person, whether they're things that are personally appealing to the T as an individual. They are human, just like we are. I think your T is telling the truth. He's not going to say things he doesn't believe. He's trained to find the positive in people and reinforce it. He doesn't make up positive stuff when it isn't there.

Believe him. He's seeing the positive parts of you, whether you can or not, and giving you positive feedback. The fact that he asked the question makes me think that he thinks you don't believe him, that you have a lot of negative self-regard. I think most of us are able to detect when a T is being phony and lying, and they know it. They are all about "authenticity".

I hope you can believe that your T is not just blowing smoke. You DO have positive qualities that people can relate to, and if you keep working to improve yourself, you'll have even more.

Originally Posted by QuietCat

Last session I had with T he asked me if I believe that HE believes I am a person that other people would be interested in pursuing a relationship with (friendship, love, whatever). And I had to tell him that I don't really believe that this is genuinely his opinion. That this is a thing he has to say as a T. That he must say this same type of encouraging thing to his other patients too.

T became visibly upset about this. He doesn't usually show much emotion. He tried to explain that he's there to encourage me but not there to sugar-coat things. That he doesn't tell his patients things that he doesn't believe to be true.

Sadly, even this explanation from him doesn't convince me that he believes I have much hope. I've been seeing him for 2 years now. My progress is so slow. He must be sick of me already.

So my question is: how can a T see patient after patient and actually see them as individuals and not just another patient sitting there? How can I trust that he's telling me what he really believes as an educated T and not just telling me empty words to encourage?

I have the same problem, I tell my T the same thing. She has given up trying to explain with words and instead she shows me through her actions...and that I have to learn how to cope with it (her being nice to me, caring about me, thinking I'm a good person, etc).

It is hard... but I guess only time can drive home something that we have such negative core beliefs about...

::huggs::

[CantExplain]

I know my T is emotionally sincere because I've seen her tears.

But does she really know anything about human nature? Are her insights any better than mine? That's not so easy to see.

I've always felt that my T's (the ones that I stayed with and worked long-term with) are some of the most sincere individuals I know. They've always been pretty straight-forward and honest with me (sometimes downright blunt). They've never given me the impression that they are being "nice" in any kind of false way. They tend to say what they mean and mean what they say. (Of course, I have picked my T's because of this quality. I've always wanted that sincerity rather than someone who just tells me what I "want" to hear. Just never seemed like I'd get anywhere that way.)

[QuietCat]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

Believe him. He's seeing the positive parts of you, whether you can or not, and giving you positive feedback. The fact that he asked the question makes me think that he thinks you don't believe him, that you have a lot of negative self-regard. I think most of us are able to detect when a T is being phony and lying, and they know it. They are all about "authenticity".

I hope you can believe that your T is not just blowing smoke. You DO have positive qualities that people can relate to, and if you keep working to improve yourself, you'll have even more.

Yeah, I have a lot of negative self regard. According to T I'm "lacking hope" so it's hard to believe positive things. I don't know how to get hope, or how to even cultivate it. I keep Googling "Hope" and trying to figure out how to get it. Haha!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by QuietCat

Yeah, I have a lot of negative self regard. According to T I'm "lacking hope" so it's hard to believe positive things. I don't know how to get hope, or how to even cultivate it. I keep Googling "Hope" and trying to figure out how to get it. Haha!

For me, the hopelessness was the worst part of depression.

I can still get low and paranoid, but I don't lose hope any more. If this doesn't work, there are plenty of other things I can try.

[Asiablue]

For me, i can always twist my T's sentiments by thinking "she's just saying that to make me feel better" Or "she doesn't really think that, she's got to say it cos it's her job" etc but i've kinda learned that words can be twisted to match my inner critic, i know she's being real in what she says because i can FEEL and SEE it in her face and in her actions and i find it hard to argue with that.

[feralkittymom]

I don't know except that I've always had a strong ability to see/feel insincerity. I may not have agreed with every statement, but I never doubted that he is the most honest person I know.

[Miswimmy1]

I go with gut instinct. I have nvr doubted that my t has been sincere. Yes I hav questioned, but in the bottom of my heart, in the back of my mind, I know she has good intentions. She shows me through her actions that she is true, as well as her words. and i think that is the most important thing. I hang on to that

[Anne2.0]

I haven't really wondered about the sincerity of my various T's, but I have been concerned about whether or not they are deluded somehow or are relentlessly optimistic about me or people in general.

I know that when working with people long term, you can't really be inauthentic because it will catch up with you. It is very difficult to remember how you might have snowed someone before with false praise or encouragement before and continue that for some length of time. Unless you are a psychopath, it's also difficult to fake matching your words and your nonverbals. I find that if I both listen to my T and look at him (which I can't always do both at the same time; it is often one or the other), I don't doubt that he really believes what he is saying. He is responding to me in an authentic way and after a childhood where people were not authentic, I sure as h*ll know the difference now. But it's in the consistency of his response to me over time (I've seen him for almost 2 years) for me that is the real test of sincerity, because he doesn't have that great a memory (most people don't) to be able to state the same kinds of lies over and over.

But one thing I wonder-- and this may not be true for you-- but anytime that I "fish" for positive feedback I very rarely believe the answer. It's kind of crazy-making for the people in my life, like "tell me you like me" and then I say "I don't believe you, because I had to ask!" And one of the ways I fish for positive feedback is to say something negative about myself, anticipating that the person will correct me. It's a bit of a paradox to me, but the less often that I fish for something that I want from people, the more likely I am to get it. It is as if by freeing people from my desire to have them say particular things that I think I need to hear, I actually find that they say them spontaneously more often.

[anneo59]

I have seen many T's over the years. For me, it is often a question of time, although some first impressions have been pretty accurate. The best to all in your quest, here!

[mcl6136]

oh ye of little faith!

You will never KNOW, of course, whether T is sincere, so what's the percentage here of just taking this good news, this check with no expiration date...to the bank and cashing it?

There is no downside to assuming your T believes in you, in your progress, in your ability to make even more progress. Why not do so? You gain absolutely nothing by questioning your T's sincerity, it seems to me.

Go with this....even if it means pretending it is true (from time to time).

You get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Thinking your T is INsincere is its own punishment.

Believe.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

oh ye of little faith!

You will never KNOW, of course, whether T is sincere, so what's the percentage here of just taking this good news, this check with no expiration date...to the bank and cashing it?

There is no downside to assuming your T believes in you, in your progress, in your ability to make even more progress. Why not do so? You gain absolutely nothing by questioning your T's sincerity, it seems to me.

Go with this....even if it means pretending it is true (from time to time).

You get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

Thinking your T is INsincere is its own punishment.

Believe.

Thank you so much for this! It really gave me new perspective.

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I go with gut instinct. I have nvr doubted that my t has been sincere. Yes I hav questioned, but in the bottom of my heart, in the back of my mind, I know she has good intentions. She shows me through her actions that she is true, as well as her words. and i think that is the most important thing. I hang on to that

Ditto for mine: We clicked well. I went with my gut instinct and never doubted the sincerity of my T. And her actions also showed me that she meant what she said.

Plus, it helped a lot to just jump all in and be open to possibilities Sometimes I had doubts, but I also admitted outloud it was superhard and maybe later it would sink in (meaning, open to it; although, wasn't feeling it. Maybe will take time)

[seeker1950]

You're paying the T to do a job. That's it, period. If you're not getting good results, maybe look elsewhere. If you feel the therapy is beneficial, then don't worry if he/she is sincere. Would the T continue to offer support if you were not a paying customer? You know the answer to that one.

[EeyoreSmile]

Originally Posted by QuietCat

So my question is: how can a T see patient after patient and actually see them as individuals and not just another patient sitting there? How can I trust that he's telling me what he really believes as an educated T and not just telling me empty words to encourage?

You know, I asked my T the same thing.. and realized that it was so much about me not feeling worthy of her caring about me because she pointed out to me that as a teacher, I care about my students individually. I care about all of them truly. Not just because they are kids, but I get to know them so I can help them and work with them and understand who they are. Some let me in a lot, some are just nice and polite, but I do believe in them and I never lie. I don't say things to make them feel better..It's all true...

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by EeyoreSmile

You know, I asked my T the same thing.. and realized that it was so much about me not feeling worthy of her caring about me because she pointed out to me that as a teacher, I care about my students individually. I care about all of them truly. Not just because their kids, but I get to know them so I can help them and work with them and understand who they are. Some let me in a lot, some are just nice and polite, but I do believe in them and I never lie. I don't say things to make them feel better..It's all true...

That is a really meaningful analogy. Thank you for that. I haven't seen it that way, but that makes sense to me. It is easier for me to wrap my head around that idea of "professional" than it is to understand the fine line between t and friend. But... yeah. I guess I see what you are saying.

[autotelica]

Whenever I suspect my therapist is blowing smoke up my skirt, I ask her to defend her assertion. For instance, if she says I am a kind person, I ask her how she knows this.

But there are some things she says that I don't believe are true. I don't argue with her or ruminate over it, but I don't allow her words to penetrate my skepticism either. I know that there are some things that I will not fully accept without seeing them for myself. And I think this OK as long as I don't let it turn into wholesale distrust. Trust is not an all or nothing thing.

[rainbow8]

I KNOW my T is sincere just by watching her face when she talks to me. I knew it from my first appointment with her. Maybe it's not always that clear, but in general, like others are saying, Ts have to be sincere or they wouldn't be good at what they do. I say to trust your T!

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

You're paying the T to do a job. That's it, period. If you're not getting good results, maybe look elsewhere. If you feel the therapy is beneficial, then don't worry if he/she is sincere. Would the T continue to offer support if you were not a paying customer? You know the answer to that one.

I find this really sad. Of course, there's a realistic aspect of life and truth in this. But is this really the sum of the relationship for you? Because for me, the quality, sincerity, consistency, integrity of the relationship was everything and was worth far more than I could have ever paid for it. I wasn't paying the T to do a job: I was paying for his time, attention, training, experience, and wise judgment--and his willingness to invest in me.

And my T has continued to support me past therapy--not in the same ways as through therapy, I wouldn't expect that and it wouldn't be possible; but of value, nonetheless.

[sconnie892]

For me, much of t's sincerity is relayed through her non-verbals. She has very caring facial expressions.

In reading these posts, I also realized that t doesn't heap on the praise. She will compliment me sometimes or point out progress, but it's not over the top. And often she will ask a question to get me to acknowledge the progress myself. (One of my issues is self-esteem and being able to feel good about myself without the approval of others.) And while I certainly like it when t praises me, I think the fact that she doesn't compliment me all the time makes the times does compliment me feel more sincere.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

. Of course, there's a realistic aspect of life and truth in this. But is this really the sum of the relationship for you?

It is for me - and I think it is a good thing.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It is for me - and I think it is a good thing.

Well, you seem to have very clear and tight boundaries in your life. Whether that's a good thing or not, no one else here can say.

You're comfortable with this, but it still leaves me puzzled about what benefits you get from therapy. Perhaps I can't conceive of a definition of therapy that doesn't include a seeking to enlarge one's perceptions of life and self, and seeing that pursuit as furthered largely through relationship.