[azizaAkos]

So I've been thinking about therapy and such the more I think on it the more afraid and panicked I an getting. Seriously think it was not a good idea but it was court appointed. I'm afraid of my therapist afraid if I tell him too much he will make me be hospitalized and I'm afraid if I shut down or can't talk he will do the same and I'm afraid if I lie he will know and I will get in trouble. I am so afraid. I told him last week I maybe homeless soon so what if I get in trouble for that? I'm afraid I can't get better in therapy and I'm afraid I will get in trouble. I'm afraid I will be hospitalized and my two doggies taken and put down because u do something wrong in therapy. So afraid.
I had told the therapist not on purpose mind you just was stupid and afraid and not thinking I wanted to kill myself a few months back I stopped myself before I totally told the truth and I'm sure he knew I lied.
I feel so sick. I go back to the therapist weds I sooo don't want to!

[Victoria'smom]

Can I ask why it's court ordered?

[azizaAkos]

It was for not having a license for a kennel and county tags at the time. What happened is I was pretty much abandoned with a buch of dogs in the middle of no where when my husband and I were in the middle of moving I managed to keep the dogs fed they were in good health but I wasn't and I couldn't drive etc. My husband was telling them and probably still is that I was a danger to myself and have Aspergers and wanted me either hospitalized and sent back to my parents. I lost my home recently and the judge ordered it. I was a little surprised by it the therapist said it was different. I do get everything wiped off my record early next year. The Ac people said I behaved fine and was more then willing to work with them. I was just stuck in the middle of no place without anything or anyone. I'm still trying to get a divorce and the reason we seperated is also very hard to talk about but I did so because I was afraid of him.

[Sannah]

I would share with your T all of these fears that you have. You aren't going to get into trouble. But sharing the fear of getting into trouble is the first step in getting it to go away.

[Victoria'smom]

I really think you need to tell your T why you are afraid of therapy. You certainly need to tell T why your afraid of your husband. best of luck I'm sorry this happened.

[elliemay]

Well, one thing is for sure, you've got to procure some sort of housing arrangement for you and your dogs. That's priority. Your therapist can certainly emotionally support you while you get that done for yourself.

Also, I think you can tell your therapist anything as long as you preface it with "I'm really trying and definitely want to stay *out* of the hospital". They can help you with strategies to do so.

That's not to say that going to hospital isn't an option for some, but it's a short term option.

[azizaAkos]

The hospital frightens me beyond belief. My father threatened me with that a one time when I was looking to mOve out on my own and again when I got married. Then my husband did the same because he knew how much I was hurt when my father did it and how afraid I was. My biggest concern being what would happen to my dogs if that happened. They are all I have left.
I agree I do need housing and fast. I feel so bad for uprooting my dogs like I have I think they must be so confused.
I'm terrified of my husband I don't really talk to him now but the idea of getting divorced and having to see him more then likely while that happens I honestly don't know how Ivan handle it. I need some sort of settlement from him to survive though. I applied for ssi but that's taking forever! I have very few people I trust and can talk to and I'm just so afraid. I don't know emotionally if I can handle reliving everything that has happened because when I do I can't function it's a debilitating guilt and fear. People tell me none of it was my fault but that's a easy thing to say. I'm also afraid of being so heavily medicated it hurts my health or ability to think. I took aderal at one time because the doctor thought I had Aspergers all I could do is sleep and after while my heart wouldn't stop beating fast and I thought I was going to die. It was horrible.
I see the therapist today and I'm worried. I don't really want to go at all between the people in the waiting room then of course having to talk to this guy. It figures it's a man I have to see because I don't trust men very easy. He seems nice so far but it's just hard!

[Sannah]

Good luck with your appt. today. I hope that you are able to share your fears with him. Let us know how it goes?

[azizaAkos]

I guess it went okay. He made me fill out a short question sheet. Then we talked about it a bit. I told him I have issues trusting men and that I am afraid of men because if my husband and father. I was surprised I could tell him. I also was surprised when he asked about my dog normally I love to talk about my dog he is very dear to me but I felt myself feeling hesitant in talking about him with the therapist and wary. I was once diagnosed with Aspergers so I think that is possibly why it's a diagnosis I don't want to have confirmed and I'm afraid if I start to brag about my dog like always the therapist will tell me I have it. I so don't want to find that out because that one diagnosis when I was 17 has severely hurt me in my life and my ability to get over my past and the way people see me and treat me when they find out is less then good. That one diagnosis has been used to threaten and abuse me many times on my life.

I too have a male T and issues surrounding men, it will add to the challenge... but try to see him as a person, not just a male....it worked for me

[Sila]

Try to turn it around- there's nothing wrong with having Aspergers, and anything people told you about it that was bad or mean just aren't worth worrying about. There's many very successful people who have Aspergers, and there's a lot of support around for it too. If you accept the diagnosis (if it's true) then it'll be a lot easier to get the right help through therapy for anything that can be impacted by it. Aspies tend to react differently to therapy techniques, because we are a lot more sensitive sometimes. I hope you figure things out. Change of any sort is hard, and finding a new place is a big change. I know the warm feelings you get from dogs too- I couldn't live without mine. I also ramble on and on about my dogs. My t has learned very quickly on how to loop me back on topic when I start rambling off topic...

[azizaAkos]

I suppose your right. It's a very bad phobia of mine just because of my father and my husband. My father would use the diagnosis to threaten me when I left home saying he would have me "locked up" both my parents looked at me different after the diagnosis it broke me I wasn't prefect and didn't meet their expectations as to what they thought their daughter should be. I don't speak to either of them now but it's caused a immeasurable amount of pain and fear at the time.
Then my husband first it started by him telling people in emails that I didn't even know that I had aspbergers I told him several times how much that hurt but he only got worse because them he started telling people on Facebook this was bad because the man has thousands of Facebook friends. Then after I left his he called me crazy and that he would have me hospitalized and sent back to my dad. He called police and social services on me thankfully they took my side but it was one of the worse most scary thing I had to deal with not the mention the other stuff I had going on.
So that is why I fear it. I really don't mean to diss people that have it at all and I know many many incredible people have it but I'm still personally afraid given my past. And given I have to go through a divorce here at some point and it will come up yet again. I do have a horrible time with change and certain situations sounds and lights will sometimes bug me. I mostly just feel extreme depression, anxiety and fear in my day to day life.
I love my dogs without them I know I wouldn't be here writing this I would have given up long ago.

[Sila]

I hope you can work things through with your T. I had to have a few male counselors growing up, and only one of them was I able to grow comfortable with even a little bit. It takes a lot of time and trust to be comfortable around a male position of 'authority' again. I know it, I feel it too. But, perhaps your T being male is actually a good thing? It may help you lower the fear around men in time, since you'll have a supporter who's there to help and guide you, not play games with your heart and emotions like your x.

Take care and I wish you good luck. ♥

[Sannah]

good work aziza talking with your T!